"My daughter is my best friend" - Explain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

This is wonderfully said. Just back from a mother/Daughter trip with my college first year DD. The distinction between friend and mother when your daughter is a young adult is not that stark. I worry like a mother, but young adults don't like to be "mothered," so you have to respect their independence and park your judgement quite a bit.

PP here and well said, that's exactly how I feel -- thinking of my DD as a friend as she enters her teen years has actually helped me learn to step back a bit and let her make her own mistakes and not be judgmental. I think people assume that being best friends with your DD means that you are over-involved in her life, but it actually means seeing her as more equal as a person, and being more respectful of her space and choices.

Also this reminds me that in my adult life I've had a few friends who tried to mother me or who were very judgmental and nosy about my choices, and how toxic and unproductive that was -- those relationships always fizzled. I prefer friends who take a more live-and-let-live approach to friendship. I wonder if that's why I think of my DD as a friend -- I think of friendship as just people who love and respect each other and like spending time together. It does not indicate heavy involvement in each other's lives or dependence on one another.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

So just imagine it's the opposite. If your daughter had a very similar personality to you and loved hanging out with you and it was just easy and fun on both your parts. That's all the "best friend" mom is trying to convey.

[Anonymous]

I think it conveys the mother really enjoys doing thing with the daughter and enjoys her company. And that they get along well. Which is awesome.

I do think it's a bit of an odd way to think about things. I don't think your non-adult child should ever be your best friend because hopefully we all have a best friend in life who knows all our vulnerabilities and past stories and can relate to us peer to peer about same life stage issues. I can see developing more of a best friend relationship when both are adults, I guess.

It also rings a bit to me that the mother is possibly wanting to really let you know how close they are so just gushing and using some hyperbole. For lack of a better word, she is bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

This. I don't ever say it because I can hear what it sounds like, but I understand the sentiment, assuming this is what is meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

Oh. You don’t understand it because you don’t have that type of relationship with your daughter, and don’t see it developing. That doesn’t make the mom you referenced co-dependent, it just means they have a relationship you don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

My mother became my best friend when I was well into adulthood - like 30 or so. We were close growing up but it wasn’t an equal friend relationship.

[Anonymous]

There’s some old movie that one of the characters said, “if your daughter is you best friend, your kid has a child for a parent”.

[Anonymous]

I think that is inappropriate. It’s not healthy for a teen to feel responsible for or involved with their parent’s feelings about things like work, marriage, adulthood. It’s not healthy for a teen to tell their parent everything and depend on them for all advice - they need to develop independence.

You can be close and have a relationship where your child feels comfortable sharing difficult things with you without being “best friends”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

OP - I’m in my 40s and my mom and I are very close but not best friends. We were not close until I had kids. As a teen I barely tolerated her and in my 20s I cut her off because of her poor boundaries (always complaining about my dad to me). Don’t give up, just don’t smother her and continue to be a parent - not a friend. Your daughter is establishing her own personality and that involves creating some distance from you. That is healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be so judgemental; it's not that deep.

+1
I remember the look of shock on a friend's face when I said my dog was my best friend. It's just a sweet honor that their company makes me so happy. I would assume a mom saying that just really enjoys their dd's company and I wouldn't immediately tut tut that they must not be a mature responsible parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

Oh. You don’t understand it because you don’t have that type of relationship with your daughter, and don’t see it developing. That doesn’t make the mom you referenced co-dependent, it just means they have a relationship you don’t understand.

NP. Nah, I have a great relationship with my teen daughter, but I think a mom referring to her kid as her best friend is weird and out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

I only have boys, but while I'm pretty clear that I'm their parent and not their friend.

Having said that, I do think that for me, with my oldest who is 14, there has been a shift in our relationship so that it feels more friendlike. To me, a friend is someone I choose to spend time with doing things that we both enjoy. I spend a lot of time with my younger kids. I love and cherish that time with them. But most of the time, I am doing things that I only enjoy because of who I am doing them with. The activities I do with my younger kids are, for the most part, things I'd never do with a friend. If I read a book with them, it's not a book I'd ever choose to read otherwise. If we go somewhere, it's probably someplace I wouldn't go otherwise (e.g. soccer practice, a place I'd never go if I didn't have kids, or minigolf) or we're doing something there that's different than what I'd do without kids (e.g. I might go to the pool and swim laps without kids, but I wouldn't play sharks and minnows).

But with my teen, there are suddenly more times when I'm doing something, and sharing the experience with him, that I'd do anyway, or I'd do with an adult friend. He likes musical theater, and we'll watch a show together. He likes to listen to audiobooks, and the books he chooses or that I suggest are things I'm actually interested in reading. He likes to hike, and when we hike I feel like I'm also getting exercise and going at a pace I might otherwise choose.

And I do honestly ask his advice for stuff. Not personal stuff, like my marriage, but I'll ask a question that I might ask an adult friend like "what should I get an elderly aunt for Christmas?" and he's got really good ideas, or I'll say "What was the weather like when you walked the dog, do you think I'll want a cardigan?"

So, while I don't use that "my best friend" language, I can think of ways that our relationship is more like a friendship than it was a few years ago. Of course, there are other ways that it's still totally different.

[Anonymous]

I don’t consider my daughter my best friend for the reasons you state. However, I remember thinking that of my mom at that age and my teen daughter has also said it to me many times.

I feel fortunate to be close with both of them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dad and I'd say my 18-year old DD and 24-year old DS are my best friends in the sense that they are my favorite people to spend time with (or talk to on the phone) and we share a lot of common interests and do many things together. They are very appreciative and supportive. I might not divulge as much to them about some things as I do to my wife or adult friends. I do worry about not having any conflicts with them, as some people cite conflict with parents as a necessary part of achieving true adulthood.