Tips for having good relations with daughter-in-law & son-in-law
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Anonymous
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Be positive and supportive of their child’s relationship. MIL was constantly raising concerns with DH when we were dating. Then when we moved in together. Then when we got a dog, got married, bought a house. She once asked me when I was dating DH how much money I made - as if I was a gold digger. I didn’t tell her the amount, but hinted that I make more than her son. The constant skepticism didn’t feel welcoming at all.
And MILs should live their own lives. MIL wanted us to visit all the time during COVID and had a running calendar in her mind, where she’s remind us every time we talked of how long it’d been since we had seen her last. |
Anonymous
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Don’t be a narcissist like my POS MIL.
Don’t pick fights with your grown son and try to make him feel terrible because he’s not doing exactly everything you want him to. Don’t be jealous of your DIL’s family WRT grandchildren and their relationship with them. Don’t assume your son/his wife/their children want to celebrate holidays in perpetuity the exact way you always celebrated them before your son was married. Don’t be a POS like my MIL. Oh, did I say that already? She is the WORST. |
Anonymous
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Wow these truly nail it. It's about boundaries and basic respect. It's also about treating your mental health issues.
My MIL early on alienated anyone who married in with her neediness, drama, skepticism, gossip, guilt trip and manipulation. She refused to ever stay on meds or stay with therapy and it impacted every relationship she had. We had a good relationship with my parents because they had a life, my dad was a buffer and we all respected boundaries. Even when we moved to the area, they made it clear there would be no dumping the kids overnight on them and a million other things and we respected it all. We had a great run until dad became ill. Mom's boundaries went out the window and she had a long list of demands. No matter how much i did it was never enough. We got her plenty of help and told her we were at peace if she put him in Memory care and we would visit often. Nope. Her anxiety and rage grew and it came out on us. Then the dramas (she was in fights with all sorts of people). Then the manipulations, gaslighting and badmouthing. Her mental health was on the rocks and stayed poor after dad died. If she had just gotten help and stuck with it maybe the relationship would be salvageable. Now we have major boundaries and just make sure she is OK.There is no connection, just some obligation to be there in some capacity. It's one sided and a chore. |
Anonymous
This was so my mother. Each time we visited there was a guilt trip for not visiting sooner, which just made us spread out visits more. She made phone calls so unpleasant we stuck to text. A simple "nice to see you. Thanks for coming" is the best way to keep people coming. Guilt trips, complaining and manipulating are repellents. |
Anonymous
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I wish my mother in law called, sent cards, visited, knew anything about my kids beyond their age and whatever they were into during our last visit, etc. Basically act like she cares about me and the kids beyond just when we visit her. She says her house is always open to us visiting- but then when we schedule a visit she will double book and cancel on us. Other little things, like noticing and remembering to grab favorite drinks or snacks when we do visit or favorite meals, or offer to watch a kid for a minute so I can shower. Full on babysitting would be nice- but honestly I feel like I have to watch my kids so much closer at MILs house. Even getting a shower stresses me out because I don’t know what will happen in those minutes.
Basically- show you care. In little and big ways. It doesn’t take a lot of money or time to simply be a part of our lives. |
Anonymous
Yes! My MIL acts like I’m trying to get her to see Satan, when all I wanted was a freaking family brunch w my parents. She sucks, my parents are great, and now everyone knows it. She’s also NEVER been interested in ME as a person. Has never asked a question or gotten to know about my family and my past. She just wants to lecture me on her own family. My mom always pays attention to what food/snacks and drinks her kid-in-laws like, and then she makes sure to have it on hand the next time they come. A certain beer, a special cracker, that type of thing. It’s a sweet way to make someone feel welcome. |
Anonymous
| Don't assume they want to follow your traditions |
Anonymous
Yes this is big. Don't act SHOCKED when they do something slightly different at the holidays. Encourage your family to try new things because you have a new family member. Add in the new family member's traditions if you can. My MIL was so dismissive about things like this during the first 2 Christmases I spent with my in-laws. And damn it hurt. I was really emotional my first Christmas away from my family (I was 30, and we'd just gotten married) and I brought a special dessert that we always have. The next year, when I brought it again, my MIL didn't remember and acted annoyed I'd brought something new. It was 15 years ago and I still remember how hurt I was that she couldn't remember this one silly little tradition my family had. It's a small thing really. But I have extended family who ask about this dessert because they know we always have it around at Christmas! After that I stopped bringing it when we celebrate with them. It's a silly thing really, in the grand scheme, but if she had been gracious and accepting of it, it would have meant a lot. Of course there were plenty of other issues around blending families, and this is just one small example. But it encapsulated her entire attitude that I was an outsider who had to get to know THEM. And that my own family, my own life, did not matter while I was in THEIR house. The only reason I'm grateful for it is so that I can remember to be an open, loving and gracious MIL one day. |
Anonymous
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Don't decide that their decisions to do things differently than you did/do are a criticism of your choices.
I think my MIL was pretty unhappy with her life, and her insecurity took the form of wanting me to do everything the way she had. I'd have been happy to talk about why we made the choices we did, but constantly being asked why I wasn't quitting my job to stay home, why we bought a house in our neighborhood rather than theirs, why we weren't taking the sorts of vacations they did . . . . oof. "Don't you think you should" is not a good way to start a conversation. |
Anonymous
+1. My MIL is great about not handing out unsolicited advice. In response, I do seek her advice and value her opinion. My own mom... not so great. |
Anonymous
| Don’t criticize my family of origin. My parents and siblings aren’t perfect but neither are yours. If you criticize my family, I will never tell you anything more about them nor arrange any gettogethers. |
Anonymous
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Don't take offense on small things. Let it go. Find qualities to like in others and praise them on that. Accept people as they are and do not compare with other people.
Do not be sarcastic or put other person down. People can sense the passive aggressiveness. If you love and care for people and become their cheerleaders, they can sense it and they start liking you back. If you cannot like them even if you try your best then - be very polite, diplomatic, hospitable and courteous. There are ways to marginalize the toxic close relatives but it must be done with class. |
Anonymous
My own MIL was very welcoming and inclusive towards me. She did advice me on lot of things but these were gentle suggestions instead of orders. She shared a lot of her recipes and childhood memories, and stories but she was also very interested in me as a person. Not in my relationship with her son (and she never commented about that at all), but rather what I liked to eat, what I thought about things etc. She is really a very sweet and caring soul who will always think of others. She has looked at me like a daughter (she has two sons) and she was so happy when my DD was born. When I got married I did not know how to cook at all. She would cook all the meals and she let me hang around in the kitchen watching her cook. She would ask me what I wanted to eat and took genuine pleasure if I liked any dish she made. I have been married for 35 years and will be going to my country of origin in a few days and I will see her after 4 years. I yearn to hang out with her and listen to her stories. I cry when I think that she is getting frail and perhaps I don't have much time with her. |
Anonymous
| I have noticed that you and FIL often praise DS in front of his cousins much more than the others. It is creating resentment where there shouldn’t be any and affecting DS’s relationship with his cousins. Please be equitable with your attention. |
Anonymous
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Stay in a hotel when visiting, stay at their home only if offered and no more than 2 nights; “guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days”!
Do take our or eat out, period if possible. Otherwise, prepare light/healthy easy meals everyone can enjoy (big salad with sides, pizza night, chill night, or bbq). Offer to babysit and Yes to date night encourage they do this. Agree about gossip and nagging, just NO! Yes! to open communication & add joy or avoid adding more stress is the key to good relationship. You are already ahead of the game for thinking about it OP. 
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