Tips for having good relations with daughter-in-law & son-in-law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends highly on the culture but I always liked that my MIL treated me like a new friend when we first met; polite and interested in getting to know me, not overbearing, respected boundaries and the fact that her son had a nuclear family. She was warm and kind but didn’t expect that we would immediately have a mother daughter bond or speak to me as if I was her child and provide constructive criticism, unsolicited advice etc.

I view her now as a close friend and I like that relationship dynamic. When we meet up for coffee or she comes over for dinner we talk about life, hobbies, and work. We aren’t in a competition for who is a better wife or mother or who did things “right”. We have lived very different lives but I have the utmost respect for her. I think there needs to be that mutual respect and a desire to really know and care about the other person for the relationship to thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends highly on the culture but I always liked that my MIL treated me like a new friend when we first met; polite and interested in getting to know me, not overbearing, respected boundaries and the fact that her son had a nuclear family. She was warm and kind but didn’t expect that we would immediately have a mother daughter bond or speak to me as if I was her child and provide constructive criticism, unsolicited advice etc.

I view her now as a close friend and I like that relationship dynamic. When we meet up for coffee or she comes over for dinner we talk about life, hobbies, and work. We aren’t in a competition for who is a better wife or mother or who did things “right”. We have lived very different lives but I have the utmost respect for her. I think there needs to be that mutual respect and a desire to really know and care about the other person for the relationship to thrive.

Very well said.

[Anonymous]

Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

[Anonymous]

Treat your DC like an adult and stay out of their business.

[Anonymous]

Don't lose control.

Don't yell.

Don't call names.

Don't go low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

Flip side: compliment your in law to your child because kind comments will get back to him/her too!

[Anonymous]

Remember that your DIL is a fully formed person with her own mom and dad with whom she wants to spend time. You are not the only person competing for the couple’s time.

[Anonymous]

Show interest in your grandkids

yet recognize that you already raised your own and aren’t the parent.

[Anonymous]

This is probably controversial but….

When xH and I were having problems due to xH being unwilling to compromise on anything, MIL had a talk with him and persuaded him to compromise with me on some things. She was a very kind, loving woman and didn’t do it in a way that caused drama or made xH feel ganged up on.

The marriage didn’t work out but I always remembered her kindness and appreciated her intervention. I wish I could have maintained a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't lose control.

Don't yell.

Don't call names.

Don't go low.

Well, I doubt a polite person would do that to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Talk to them as a fully formed adults outside of just being a person married to your ds/dd.

This is what I would have wanted (although in the IL's phase, I've been lucky), but there was never an effort to get to know me as a person with ideas, interests, opinions etc. I was an appendage to just come into a new family and get to know them, but not the other way around. And to think that "this is the person my dd/ds has chose, so they must be amazing" as a foundation to a relationship, and not "they have to earn my trust to be with my baby".

[Anonymous]

I don’t have an SIL but DD has a steady boyfriend of 2.5 years, who is finishing up college with her. I’ve met him a couple of times but never asked anything about his future plans. I figured, it’s being nosy to ask questions but reading posts here, am I not showing enough interest in him as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

Yep. My mom was very critical of my husband after the first few years of marriage. It was unfounded and it really damaged our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

Yep. My mom was very critical of my husband after the first few years of marriage. It was unfounded and it really damaged our relationship.

Same here. My husband got laid off when our second child was a month old and my mother said a bunch of things that I'll never forget. Our relationship will never be the same. And all because of something that wasn't even his fault! Your child's marriage has to come first; your parent-child relationship is secondary now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear communication. Don't assume any intention.

Help them with childcare etc.

When your own kid is doing something wrong, counsel them.

Include their relations - mom, dad etc - in celebrations.

Help them go on date nights.

Help in getting their domestic chores done. ie - pay for a house cleaner or a lawn maintainence guy after taking the input from them.

Don't gossip about them.

Have your own life.

+1

Be a (TRULY) helpful and positive force - don't be one to "keep notes" with your bridge partners (ie: "nasty DIL comments"). Don't be persnickety or hold a grudge about how bad you think you had it (admitting it or not).

If you have a DIL that loves your son and treats him well, be grateful - don't make inaccurate assumptions about the new DIL in your life. Maybe her chose her because she is opposite you, and that is okay.

I know MIL's who literally gave birth in a hallway (military, and they did not rank) - and held it against their future DIL (the DIL who wasn't even in the picture at the time, obviously); or MIL's whose husbands treated them as bumbling idiots, so the MIL took it out on the future DIL. Note to MIL: your DIL is not you, and your grudges are not for her. Talk to your husband about it, not your future DIL - a little communication goes a loooooong way.

Be helpful, but overly involved. Be there for the grandchildren. DIL's know that terrible moms make bad grandmothers - it is obvious.