Tips for having good relations with daughter-in-law & son-in-law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

Yep. My mom was very critical of my husband after the first few years of marriage. It was unfounded and it really damaged our relationship.

Same here. My husband got laid off when our second child was a month old and my mother said a bunch of things that I'll never forget. Our relationship will never be the same. And all because of something that wasn't even his fault! Your child's marriage has to come first; your parent-child relationship is secondary now.

My MIL had a problem with me when I gave birth. Never forgot it. The way she totally picked on me and was so abusive to a new mother - I kind of wish everyone knew her true colors - truly ugly person. Whatever happened before I was in the picture was bad, and I had nothing to do with it. Come to think of it, any time there was any event in the family (wedding, funeral, whatever) - MIL was there to turn on me - kind of rotten human, in general. I keep my distance, understandably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never criticize your DC’s partner before or after marriage to anyone unless it is to your own partner confidentially. It will get back to them and poison your relationship with them from that point on.

Flip side: compliment your in law to your child because kind comments will get back to him/her too!

+1

Smart!

It pays big dividends!

[Anonymous]

Since all this advice seems to be directed at women, here's some for the men:
Never compliment your DIL's figure, legs, etc. It is unbelievably creepy. Treat her exactly as you would a daughter, even if you find her attractive. She doesn't want to know.
Don't tell your SIL he should be making more money because when you were his age, blah blah. There is nothing good that will come of this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since all this advice seems to be directed at women, here's some for the men:
Never compliment your DIL's figure, legs, etc. It is unbelievably creepy. Treat her exactly as you would a daughter, even if you find her attractive. She doesn't want to know.
Don't tell your SIL he should be making more money because when you were his age, blah blah. There is nothing good that will come of this conversation.

wth??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL told me, when I was struggling with a colicky newborn, what a good mom I am. It means the world to me, even all these years later (baby is now a teen). I really needed to hear those words at a vulnerable and scary time in my life.

Yes! My Mil told me something similar.

After she passed away, fil started dating a very nice woman who said v"I can tell you're a good mom by the way your little boy is so sweet." She broke up with my fil soon after. Good for her. FIL has always been more like a bad fussy MIL to me, giving unsolicited outdated advice and rolling his eyes and clicking his tongue when I'd politely decline his advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL here: I found the best practice I came up with was to never offer advice to my adult children or their partners unless someone specifically asked me what I thought or what they should do, etc. That includes every topic from jobs, homes, kids, their relationship, vacations, Sunday dinner, etc.

Yes. Thank you. My MIL does not insert herself at all, and I appreciate that. My mother, on the other hand, has had to learn the hard way that nagging and haranguing are NOT conducive to seeing the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Be interested in them and ask about their family.
Listen to their answers.
Respect that their marriage might look different than yours did. Both my DH and I work full time. Our mothers did not. My mother can not understand that I can not do everything she did as a stay at home mom because I work full time! My MIL does understand this. As a result I call my MIL for advice more than I do my mom.
Respect their choices. From how they keep their house, to rules for the kids to what food they eat. My MIL has grandchildren from 4 of her kids. She loves them all and manages to keep straight all of the different ways each household works. As a result we all love and respect her.

[Anonymous]

Be nice to them even when you think they’re just a temporary relationship and not your future daughter or son in law. Because after several years of nasty comments and open disapproval, your child might announce an engagement. And then you’ll have to deal with gritting your teeth through a wedding, and be faced with the consequences for your behavior when that person becomes the parent of your beloved grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Make an effort to have a good relationship with their family. Or at least be nice to them. My parents and ILs get along incredibly well and it makes a world of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear communication. Don't assume any intention.

Help them with childcare etc.

When your own kid is doing something wrong, counsel them.

Include their relations - mom, dad etc - in celebrations.

Help them go on date nights.

Help in getting their domestic chores done. ie - pay for a house cleaner or a lawn maintainence guy after taking the input from them.

Don't gossip about them.

Have your own life.

Kinda contradictory, no? If I am having my own life, I am not helping anyone do their chores. I did that for the first 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be nice to them even when you think they’re just a temporary relationship and not your future daughter or son in law. Because after several years of nasty comments and open disapproval, your child might announce an engagement. And then you’ll have to deal with gritting your teeth through a wedding, and be faced with the consequences for your behavior when that person becomes the parent of your beloved grandchildren.

+1

Be a nice human, and don't think people won't find out, quick, if you are not - and react accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear communication. Don't assume any intention.

Help them with childcare etc.

When your own kid is doing something wrong, counsel them.

Include their relations - mom, dad etc - in celebrations.

Help them go on date nights.

Help in getting their domestic chores done. ie - pay for a house cleaner or a lawn maintainence guy after taking the input from them.

Don't gossip about them.

Have your own life.



Some of this is hilarious. Help them as much as they help you. Be supportive. Invite them over for casual lunches/dinners on a regular basis if they are close. Hopefully they will reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Love them. Respect boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love them. Respect boundaries

+1

And be lovable - not perfect, just not a bitter byotch.

[Anonymous]

Keep your own life drama-free. My relationship with my in-laws fell apart when they started putting us in the middle of their own issues.

Your adult children will have enough to deal with—they don’t need your problems, too.