what would you do? Private vs. public - son doesn't want to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private. Hands down. He will thank you later. I promise.

We know several kids who did this and they were all much happier by half way through freshman year. It was a huge win for each one of them. It seems scary to him right now but the pain is fleeting.

1) The child isn’t unhappy; the parents are.

2) He’s already changed schools 1+ times; it’s not “scary” — it’s an experience he knows and doesn’t want.

[Anonymous]

We do not have all the things you listed to consider, but are facing a similar decision.

Our son (a "young 13yo") is not interested in moving from public middle school to private high school for the sole reason of fear of losing his current friends. He's not vehemently opposed to going to the private but if it were entirely his choice it's very clear he would go to the public high school.

We consider this to be a decision we need to make on his behalf. We see the benefits of the private to be significant in many ways, including areas that he does not recognize.

He sees that the private school we're looking at is a good school and has good programs and good people (we know several families who go there, including, ironically, one of his best friends since he was 5). From our perspective, he and his current friends are likely to grow in different directions/have different interests, and his middle school friends will be going to 4+ high schools and some friends will be dispersed in that way as well. We have a strong "village" in place with families that we know well and see that continuing, regardless of where the kids attend school (some at various privates, some at various publics), and while there will be additional work required to maintain those relationships, we're willing to do what we need to and believe our son will continue to remain friends with his peers that have common interests. Perhaps all of that is rationalization on our part, but, well, it all seems rational.

And so we are faced with a decision where we see many, many reasons for the change and one reason against, and we need to consider how strongly we weigh his vote in our decision. At the moment mom is more sensitive to his perspective than dad, but we're leaning toward having him go to the private.

[Anonymous]

This is so tough. We moved our MS kid to private this year as a reaction to covid and it's been really hard socially but good academically. We didn't anticpate that, and knowing that there is a developmental need/importance for increasing social connections and they're already behind b/c of covid, we're feeling very guilty for not weighing the full picture before making the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so tough. We moved our MS kid to private this year as a reaction to covid and it's been really hard socially but good academically. We didn't anticpate that, and knowing that there is a developmental need/importance for increasing social connections and they're already behind b/c of covid, we're feeling very guilty for not weighing the full picture before making the change.

I hear you. We did the same and are moving back to public. We have been in private for two years. The academics are great, but honestly they were also great in public. Plus, my son had a much better social life with wider social opportunities and neighborhood friends. I give him credit for being a good sport about this detour but we all agree that it’s time to return.

[Anonymous]

It’s the grade changing that’s the issue, otherwise you should make the call.

[Anonymous]

So many kids with ADHD struggle socially, so something is clearly working well where he is if he has friends he doesn't want to leave. That's huge. Enormous. I'd really consider if the benefits of the private school are worth leaving that.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this above given you can pay for outside help of you can afford private. Stay where you are and hire a tutor for almost daily check-ins after school/evenings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many factors at play here but essentially he told us adamantly today that he does not want to go to private school if he gets in.

- He has ADHD and is always behind his peers with school and maturity - COVID exacerbated this
- We have had a terrible year academically and he requires SO much help from us on a daily basis
- The school we've applied to specializes in ADHD
- He would repeat 8th grade in private school -would not have him repeat in public
- He has shifted around so much due to rezoning in our school district and he's finally settled into a group of friends that he would essentially go to high school with
- His reason for wanting to remain in public school is for his friends -we fully understand and support this but also know that many people do not stay in touch with their high school friends
- He plays on elite basketball teams - AAU, PYBL. We know he can potentially get recruited through private school to play in college but not likely in public. Given his size right now, he would likely be able to play Division 2 or 3, not 1.

We are torn and know he's been through a ton with all previous changes but also have the life experience to know that this opportunity will likely be better for him for his future.

Don’t switch him. Listen to him. Sometimes they know best. If he has friends and is happy be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Has he visited? My kid was very resistant to the idea of going to a new school, which specifically serves kids with language based learning disabilities, but when she went to the open house she was totally won over. It's a lovely school, but after we visited it wasn't the amazing playground, but "Mom, at that school if I need a break I can just take it!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We thought we could use private school to solve a lot of our son's ADHD challenges, and it was a mistake. Admissions completely oversold what the school was capable of. The place was dense with kids who needed more attention than the school could provide. The small classes were helpful, but the teachers were a mixed bag. Some of them were downright annoyed by the amount of ADHD and other "light" learning disabilities being admitted. Behavior problems and bullying were rampant. I would really, really investigate a move like this, especially in middle school, especially if your son is against it.

+1 Our dc had similar issues in a private that claimed to be good for kids with learning issues. We still had to pay extra for tutoring and the small class size made it hard socially because there were not a lot of friend groups to become part of. The extracurriculars were limited because the size of the school they couldn't do as much.

Went back to public which wasn't easy in the beginning but the larger opportunities for academics, friends and after school activities helped a lot. There is a lot of maturing from MS through HS and that did happen.

We use the private school funds to pay for tutoring all the way through. We also found the private school teachers not as well trained as the public ones. Behavior problems exist in all schools, the teen years are just tough.

[Anonymous]

My idiot pushover parents let my dumb*ss 13 or 14 year old self refuse to get braces. Then at 23 I got them and had to pay out of pocket for them. You don't let your dumb*ss teens make decisions like this. And anyone who does is either a pushover parent or just looking for a reason to weasel out of spending the cash.

[Anonymous]

OP - and to be there a nuances which would make me push for private school. Agree DC should be able to weigh in but not on the decision. Part of it would depend on their decision making and maturity. High school is where some previously unknown problems start and sometimes kids who have learning differences can get pulled into social train wrecks. Two families I know have had issues and at mid-point through their junior year realized that schools and learning differences aren’t just about academics. I am not sure how to determine if this might be in your future though because it obviously isn’t true for all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - and to be there a nuances which would make me push for private school. Agree DC should be able to weigh in but not on the decision. Part of it would depend on their decision making and maturity. High school is where some previously unknown problems start and sometimes kids who have learning differences can get pulled into social train wrecks. Two families I know have had issues and at mid-point through their junior year realized that schools and learning differences aren’t just about academics. I am not sure how to determine if this might be in your future though because it obviously isn’t true for all kids.

Yup, he will soon be at the crossroads. We don’t want him to get on the wrong track and a private school that is more invested in your child’s success sounds like a good track for him to be on.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher in a private HS and a parent to one teen who chose public and one teen who chose private. They are both happy and thriving (academically, socially, and in a range of activities).

Please, listen to your children. Nothing is more important than their happiness, and for so many of our stressed-out, exhausted, pandemic-shaken kids, finding happiness is the biggest challenge in their worlds right now. Teenagers are people with opinions that are worthy of our respect. Years from now, your children will remember how they felt above all, whether they understand the rationale of the decisions you made or not.

For the OP, I'd ask you to consider that weighing the prospect of an 8th-grader's eventually playing DIII basketball is something that may not be realistic or even something that child is interested in four years from now. In regard to ADHD, I'll admit under anonymity that I think quite a few of the students in my private school would be better served in public, where the schools are legally required to provide specific accommodations and all the teachers have education degrees. It sounds as if the OP is frustrated by the help they "have" to provide their child in public, and to that I'd ask two things: 1) What would happen if you didn't provide all that help? and 2) Are you certain that you won't have to provide substantial help even at private?

Again, I'd put kids' happiness above all. If your kid is willing to try something different, great. If you have to force them, I think it's just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I know that you’ll regret your son resenting you. So anything but that