what would you do? Private vs. public - son doesn't want to go

[Anonymous]

There are so many factors at play here but essentially he told us adamantly today that he does not want to go to private school if he gets in.

- He has ADHD and is always behind his peers with school and maturity - COVID exacerbated this
- We have had a terrible year academically and he requires SO much help from us on a daily basis
- The school we've applied to specializes in ADHD
- He would repeat 8th grade in private school -would not have him repeat in public
- He has shifted around so much due to rezoning in our school district and he's finally settled into a group of friends that he would essentially go to high school with
- His reason for wanting to remain in public school is for his friends -we fully understand and support this but also know that many people do not stay in touch with their high school friends
- He plays on elite basketball teams - AAU, PYBL. We know he can potentially get recruited through private school to play in college but not likely in public. Given his size right now, he would likely be able to play Division 2 or 3, not 1.

We are torn and know he's been through a ton with all previous changes but also have the life experience to know that this opportunity will likely be better for him for his future.

[Anonymous]

If he plays basketball on such an elite level now, he should know other kids doing this. They are dam near all reclassifying.

Maybe have his coaches talk to him or other kids doing it, but if he still doesn’t want to, I wouldn’t make him.

[Anonymous]

I’d compromise and say if he still wants to leave and go back to public after one year he can. Likely he will not after settling in. Help him see that the smaller environment will make his life less stressful and people make friends more easily there than in public.

[Anonymous]

I would give a high school kid a decent amount of leeway, assuming he goes to visit the private and meets some kids and has some basis for a decision/

If he decides to stay in public, then I would spend money on executive function tutors or whatever he needs to be successful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give a high school kid a decent amount of leeway, assuming he goes to visit the private and meets some kids and has some basis for a decision/

If he decides to stay in public, then I would spend money on executive function tutors or whatever he needs to be successful

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d compromise and say if he still wants to leave and go back to public after one year he can. Likely he will not after settling in. Help him see that the smaller environment will make his life less stressful and people make friends more easily there than in public.

Yeah, but by then he’d have already reclassified. He will go back to public a year behind his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many factors at play here but essentially he told us adamantly today that he does not want to go to private school if he gets in.

- He has ADHD and is always behind his peers with school and maturity - COVID exacerbated this Is he failing out? I'm not sure why maturity matters if he has friends that he doesn't want to leave - obviously maturity isn't a problem.
- We have had a terrible year academically and he requires SO much help from us on a daily basis You and DH have had a terrible year it sounds like, but has he?
- The school we've applied to specializes in ADHD Maybe that's not the most important thing. Are there other ways you can address the ADHD. I would be careful about the labeling.
- He would repeat 8th grade in private school -would not have him repeat in public Are you certain this wouldn't make him feel worse? That ADHD was a curse. Many adults can learn to appreciate their unique minds.
- He has shifted around so much due to rezoning in our school district and he's finally settled into a group of friends that he would essentially go to high school with
- His reason for wanting to remain in public school is for his friends -we fully understand and support this but also know that many people do not stay in touch with their high school friends I'm not clear on this reasoning? Why is important to stay in touch with friends, when presumably they will be hanging out for next four years? Can you just keep this in the positive for him column?
- He plays on elite basketball teams - AAU, PYBL. We know he can potentially get recruited through private school to play in college but not likely in public. Given his size right now, he would likely be able to play Division 2 or 3, not 1. This sounds like terrible reasoning, and should be eliminated. You can't manufacture success.

We are torn and know he's been through a ton with all previous changes but also have the life experience to know that this opportunity will likely be better for him for his future.

OP - I've added some comments for you to think about it. If we don't get buy in from our teens on anything, it's a disaster. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Repeating a grade sucks. What month was he born in?

If he really doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t force it.

[Anonymous]

Social connections mean so much at this age. I’d be hesitant to move him if he is so strongly opposed. What are his grades like currently? Is his current situation untenable?

[Anonymous]

Wonder how much the year delay is an issue for him. My brother was held back for private school HS start. Think that really did a disservice to him and feelings he was capable. If the school is strong for ADHD, do they really need to hold him back? Really need to think this through with him, unlikely to apply himself at private school if he doesn’t sign onto the plan , perhaps in part to prove to you it wasn’t a good fit.

[Anonymous]

It's important that he be in a place he likes for high school. I'd do with what he wants.

[Anonymous]

I’m not clear on why you think his recruiting options will be better if he goes to a private? Lots of kids from our large public have been recruited for basketball.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a bad idea to force a kid that age to go to a school he doesn’t want to go to.

[Anonymous]

Starting a new school in 8th grade is a bad idea - it is not a private school entry year so he might be the only new kid.

[Anonymous]

The most important piece in all you said is that he has a strong friend group he wants to stay close with. Unless you think these friends are genuinely bad for him (like, as into violence kind of bad, not "maybe won't go to an Ivy" kind of bad), you should listen to that. Things like being more likely to get recruited for basketball? C'mon, OP, that's just not a big deal. I'm truly sorry this past year has been so rough on you and your DH with remote schooling, but that's not going to be an issue in the coming year whether you go private or public. Please, listen to your kid and his own reasoning/wants/needs.