what would you do? Private vs. public - son doesn't want to go

[Anonymous]

Op, suggest you post in the kids with special needs forum.

My younger DC has ADHD and the best thing we every did was move them to private school (mainstream) from public. Not sure if you have another child in private, but the level of feedback and support is so much better than public. It’s not only that the school admin/teachers were helpful with DC, it was that the communication and investment in my child meant that we (parents) could support them better.

My DC doesn’t need a private school which focuses on ADHD but if their mainstream school wasn’t working, would move them in a heartbeat. Kids spend too many hours on school to then feel like they are failing.

Also, particularly if your child isn’t that academically driven, the ability to play basketball and shine at something is great for their self-esteem.

Perhaps you could ask your DC to at least try the new school for a year, and make concete plans to make sure they see their old friends. My oldest DC went to a k-8 and they all scattered for high school but DC still hangs out with friends from k-8 — phones/social media make staying in touch easier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, suggest you post in the kids with special needs forum.

My younger DC has ADHD and the best thing we every did was move them to private school (mainstream) from public. Not sure if you have another child in private, but the level of feedback and support is so much better than public. It’s not only that the school admin/teachers were helpful with DC, it was that the communication and investment in my child meant that we (parents) could support them better.

My DC doesn’t need a private school which focuses on ADHD but if their mainstream school wasn’t working, would move them in a heartbeat. Kids spend too many hours on school to then feel like they are failing.

Also, particularly if your child isn’t that academically driven, the ability to play basketball and shine at something is great for their self-esteem.

Perhaps you could ask your DC to at least try the new school for a year, and make concete plans to make sure they see their old friends. My oldest DC went to a k-8 and they all scattered for high school but DC still hangs out with friends from k-8 — phones/social media make staying in touch easier now.

+1

[Anonymous]

What special ed school has a basketball team that is better than public? I would be careful that you are being honest, because private school isn’t worth destroying your relationship with your child.

[Anonymous]

Private. Hands down. He will thank you later. I promise.

We know several kids who did this and they were all much happier by half way through freshman year. It was a huge win for each one of them. It seems scary to him right now but the pain is fleeting.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT hold him back. I would keep him in public and get tutors and a better therapist/psychiatrist for medication.

My child didn't want to go to private. They were in private, did well, aged out, looked at other privates while in public and child didn't like any for good reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private. Hands down. He will thank you later. I promise.

We know several kids who did this and they were all much happier by half way through freshman year. It was a huge win for each one of them. It seems scary to him right now but the pain is fleeting.

It depends on the child. OP is saying they don't have the activities and other stuff. My child is much happier in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If he decides to stay in public, then I would spend money on executive function tutors or whatever he needs to be successful

OP here, we were just discussing this. Answer to the question about his grades, his grades are Bs-Es with A TON of support from us. he would likely get all Ds & Es if we didn't provide a ton of scaffolding.

He will struggle more in a regular private. I would get him tutoring and ask the school to put him in different easier classes.

[Anonymous]

Do not make him switch. Save your $$ to pay for private tutors. He will hate you for making him move. Private is hard enough for kids without learning issues much less ones who have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If he decides to stay in public, then I would spend money on executive function tutors or whatever he needs to be successful

OP here, we were just discussing this. Answer to the question about his grades, his grades are Bs-Es with A TON of support from us. he would likely get all Ds & Es if we didn't provide a ton of scaffolding.

Be the parent and decide. Too many oaks let their kids run the show. School is too important to let friends and an immature kid decide. He is almost failing, if this school gives more support and works with kids with ADHD, then that’s the route to go.

[Anonymous]

Why would a 13 or 14 year old, an immature one at that, get to make any decision like this? It's asinine. My husband's father sent him away to boarding school for 9th grade and my husband vowed to never speak to his dad again. He refused to go blah blah. A week into boarding school he realized it was the most amazing opportunity and loved his dad for sending him. Kids are dumb, kids are emotional, kids can't fathom making new friends. Kids don't get to make decisions like this, ADULTS do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a 13 or 14 year old, an immature one at that, get to make any decision like this? It's asinine. My husband's father sent him away to boarding school for 9th grade and my husband vowed to never speak to his dad again. He refused to go blah blah. A week into boarding school he realized it was the most amazing opportunity and loved his dad for sending him. Kids are dumb, kids are emotional, kids can't fathom making new friends. Kids don't get to make decisions like this, ADULTS do.

+1

[Anonymous]

My son has ADHD and there were years, particularly in 9th grade (transition to high school), where despite an IEP with extra time accommodations, stimulants for ADHD, a resource class, a case manager (all in his excellent public school), DAILY tutoring with his father in math and DAILY executive coaching with his mother, that we thought he wasn't going to make it.

And now he's turned it around,has all 5s on his AP exams, with a 4.7 gpa.

But it took ENORMOUS effort, on his part and on ours, to get him there. There were years of tutoring before that 9th grade year, years of tutoring after. He's in 11th grade and it's the first year we don't check in with him anymore. His tutors are from a well-known tutoring company and one costs more than $250 an hour. The tutor is totally worth it.


1. High schoolers really need buy-in and agency. They need a social group of their choosing. Having friends is incredibly important. Please don't take him away from decent friends!

2. Are you sure you've got the money for private AND extensive tutoring and coaching? Or can you do it all yourselves outside of school? Privates are not necessarily better than publics, even and especially the ones for kids with ADHD, you've got to get that into your mind. All they do is lower expectations, despite their strenuous claims they don't.

3. Being held back at this age is not a pleasant experience for children and if the school insists on it, is definitely a red flag for them trying to get away with less one-on-one instruction and coaching. I would be wary of a school that suggests this unless the student is failing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a 13 or 14 year old, an immature one at that, get to make any decision like this? It's asinine. My husband's father sent him away to boarding school for 9th grade and my husband vowed to never speak to his dad again. He refused to go blah blah. A week into boarding school he realized it was the most amazing opportunity and loved his dad for sending him. Kids are dumb, kids are emotional, kids can't fathom making new friends. Kids don't get to make decisions like this, ADULTS do.

+1

In punitive and authoritarian households where trust and open communication have never been fostered, sure. How sad that you married into such a family, PP. Does your husband now expect to treat his children that way?
Do YOU think kids are dumb?

We do not treat our children that way. They have been raised to be self-aware and have a measure of self-control. We have taught them to think about short-term goals and long-term goals. They do not expect to have their every whim gratified immediately. They understand the value of hard work. When they communicate preferences, and present valid arguments, we listen, because we know they've thought about it.

I cannot quite believe you just wrote what you did, and someone else responded with a +1. Shame on both of you (maybe just you!).

[Anonymous]

around here, kids get recruited through club sports more than high school sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a 13 or 14 year old, an immature one at that, get to make any decision like this? It's asinine. My husband's father sent him away to boarding school for 9th grade and my husband vowed to never speak to his dad again. He refused to go blah blah. A week into boarding school he realized it was the most amazing opportunity and loved his dad for sending him. Kids are dumb, kids are emotional, kids can't fathom making new friends. Kids don't get to make decisions like this, ADULTS do.

Your FIL didn't want to deal with parenting a challenging kid so he sent him away for someone else to do it.