what would you do? Private vs. public - son doesn't want to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not clear on why you think his recruiting options will be better if he goes to a private? Lots of kids from our large public have been recruited for basketball.

He can be recruited from his AAU teams if he’s good enough, but he can reclass in a private and will be more mature for his class and private schools are usually more invested in the success and future of this kind of kid. Besides I know of a lot of public schools that have really messed athletes up. Has to be a good one to really help your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeating a grade sucks. What month was he born in?

If he really doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t force it.

OP here, his birthday is end of June.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If he decides to stay in public, then I would spend money on executive function tutors or whatever he needs to be successful

OP here, we were just discussing this. Answer to the question about his grades, his grades are Bs-Es with A TON of support from us. he would likely get all Ds & Es if we didn't provide a ton of scaffolding.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion: It's not up to him. You know him best and where he'll thrive. My DD is opposed to change and if I left things up to her, she wouldn't be where she is now. She was adamant that she didn't want to goto a school with a uniform, based on absolutely nothing, just that she wasn't used to it coming from public and also didn't want to leave her friends.

[Anonymous]

We thought we could use private school to solve a lot of our son's ADHD challenges, and it was a mistake. Admissions completely oversold what the school was capable of. The place was dense with kids who needed more attention than the school could provide. The small classes were helpful, but the teachers were a mixed bag. Some of them were downright annoyed by the amount of ADHD and other "light" learning disabilities being admitted. Behavior problems and bullying were rampant. I would really, really investigate a move like this, especially in middle school, especially if your son is against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We thought we could use private school to solve a lot of our son's ADHD challenges, and it was a mistake. Admissions completely oversold what the school was capable of. The place was dense with kids who needed more attention than the school could provide. The small classes were helpful, but the teachers were a mixed bag. Some of them were downright annoyed by the amount of ADHD and other "light" learning disabilities being admitted. Behavior problems and bullying were rampant. I would really, really investigate a move like this, especially in middle school, especially if your son is against it.

What school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d compromise and say if he still wants to leave and go back to public after one year he can. Likely he will not after settling in. Help him see that the smaller environment will make his life less stressful and people make friends more easily there than in public.

Yeah, but by then he’d have already reclassified. He will go back to public a year behind his friends.

true. You really couldn’t go back to the same public then. That would be the worst situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: It's not up to him. You know him best and where he'll thrive. My DD is opposed to change and if I left things up to her, she wouldn't be where she is now. She was adamant that she didn't want to goto a school with a uniform, based on absolutely nothing, just that she wasn't used to it coming from public and also didn't want to leave her friends.

And is she happy now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social connections mean so much at this age. I’d be hesitant to move him if he is so strongly opposed. What are his grades like currently? Is his current situation untenable?

This. I'd leave him. I know so many kids who left public for private and had a hard time fitting in socially and then their old crowd moved on without them. Kids have been through enough this pandemic. I would defer to him but put in different controls.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my son switched to private in 9th, and his closest group of friends are from his middle school still. That may be because of COVID, but he didn't lose touch with true friends at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: It's not up to him. You know him best and where he'll thrive. My DD is opposed to change and if I left things up to her, she wouldn't be where she is now. She was adamant that she didn't want to goto a school with a uniform, based on absolutely nothing, just that she wasn't used to it coming from public and also didn't want to leave her friends.

And is she happy now?

She's very happy. The caveat is I knew she would be. Her never wanting change or wanting to try something new and being fine once she's in it is typical for her. She's gregarious and makes friends easily, but underestimates herself and untrusting of unknowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social connections mean so much at this age. I’d be hesitant to move him if he is so strongly opposed. What are his grades like currently? Is his current situation untenable?

This. I'd leave him. I know so many kids who left public for private and had a hard time fitting in socially and then their old crowd moved on without them. Kids have been through enough this pandemic. I would defer to him but put in different controls.

I see this side too. If he has a nice group of kids who you think are a positive influence then leave him be and pay for more support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: It's not up to him. You know him best and where he'll thrive. My DD is opposed to change and if I left things up to her, she wouldn't be where she is now. She was adamant that she didn't want to goto a school with a uniform, based on absolutely nothing, just that she wasn't used to it coming from public and also didn't want to leave her friends.

And is she happy now?

She's very happy. The caveat is I knew she would be. Her never wanting change or wanting to try something new and being fine once she's in it is typical for her. She's gregarious and makes friends easily, but underestimates herself and untrusting of unknowns.

NP Ha ha, this is exactly my (5yo) DD. Good to know it’s okay to push her a bit instead of always yielding to her desire to maintain status quo!

[Anonymous]

I would not force a child into private school, especially because you have said he is already struggling. It is HARD to be a new student. It is stressful. In fact, switching schools more than three times by high school is a major risk factor to serious mental illness as an adult. Of course you are not considering moving him around multiple times, but I say this to illustrate that it is very stress inducing to be in a complete foreign social hierarchy and be forced to find a place within it, especially in middle school and especially if that is not your choice. We moved to the area during the height of the pandemic and it was a very stressful transition for our child particularly because it was not his choice to move. All kids have felt the stress of the last two years, I would not force an even more stressful situation on top of it if it was at all avoidable. Instead, I would use 1/3 of the money you’d be paying for private, and hire a DAILY tutor to meet at your house after school and give him professional, ADHD-centered academic support. This should take the pressure of you as parents to try and figure out what he needs in terms of support, and he would also be getting the kind of professional interventions that could allow him to really excel. I think consistent, daily, professional intervention would serve him far better than private school could, while sparing him the enormous stress of starting over socially during this already difficult time. Good luck, OP. I hope your child has a wonderful year ahead.

[Anonymous]

Right now it sounds like his heels are pretty much dug in, so you're in a power struggle. Only you know your child, but would he be open to a deal where you agree that he'll get to make the final decision as long as he gives the private a fair consideration? That would mean visit with an open mind if he's accepted, really think about the strengths and drawbacks of each, think about how he could manage friendships if he did change schools, etc.? If you can move him out of being dug into a position into making a thoughtful decision, that may be the best option. If you move him to a new school against his will, he absolutely has the ability to make sure he has a terrible experience, which benefits no one.