AP break up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

How did you meet him? I am looking for an AP - pointers will be highly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

How did you meet him? I am looking for an AP - pointers will be highly appreciated.

Online affair website. I’ve had good luck finding them, but both did not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

DP. I'm going to ask, OP, can you please look at the post above again? I know it's hard to read but there's truth here. I

do get that your initial post is about your own feelings and that's OK; you can feel grief.

But it's time to move on to asking yourself what you were thinking and feeling that very first time you went online seeking out someone with whom to have sex outside your marriage. Years ago now.

Those problems that made you think NSA sex was an OK option to pursue are still there, aren't they? The affair did not fix them, or fix you. It's way past time to stop thinking about sex, or your own feelings right now, and put the brakes on everything except figuring out why you did this in the first place. You really do need to consider divorce; why haven't you? Because you were waiting for your AP finally to decide to be with you? It's time, now, to look at who you are without an AP to focus on. To look at who you are now, with a marriage that is, what exactly? To look at your kids, if you have them, and ask what you would want them to know about your affair, or about you.

If you are not in therapy, please get into it. Please don't start thinking about tapping those keys and finding another online hookup. Please look for whatever it was that made you believe NSA sex was somehow going to be "enough" and what problem you felt it would solve for you then, and why you believed (because you did, in the end) that he would choose you. You looked for validation from him, validation in an affair, not in your marriage or your family. Why? How do you keep from repeating this mistake? Becuase yes, it was a mistake, a waste of a vast amount of time, and a cruelty to others even if you don't know or never meet them.

This break up is an opportunity for you to figure out what your real issues are, the issues you thought an affair (whether it was NSA or with feelings) could solve. But don't drag your DH and kids, if any, along with you on another journey toward another AP. Either recognize that you need to be single again, or double down on your marriage and family with a ton of therapy and yeah, revealing this to your DH so HE can make an informed choice.

DP. I don't think it's clear she thought he would ever pick her. She wrote that he only ever spoke very highly of his wife. I think she was in denial about that the entire time. I think she placed way too much weight on the timeline of hanging on. Maybe she thought she could wear him down or change his mind. It sounds like he was upfront and stuck to the script. (an awful and disgusting script by the way). She was drawn to the unattainable.

Agree. She needs some serious therapy on why she is doing this in her marriage. It is someone of a disordered mind, emotional well being. Her post describes zero remorse or shame. Her kids and her husband are an after thought, an obstacle to her made up glamorous other life that the AP represented and she wanted, perhaps to just fill in and replace his wife. That alone is so completely ludicrous, the thought she would be accepted into his circle and by his family and that there would be one big happy ending. IT's even more ludicrous because it sounds like he was clear at the beginning that it would never be that or anything more than it was.

I don't think she is a person that feels empathy. It does not sound like she can put herself in the betrayeds' shoes or the kids' shoes. She is delusional and disordered with some very low self-esteem to do what she did. What they did destroys families and it causes lifelong trauma and pain for the spouses. Again, zero empathy. Though I'm going to guess she is one of those that thinks she has it in spades.

Agree with all of the above. Why? Why, OP, why? You are ultimately treated like crap and disposed of and risking your family for it. What mental illness or trauma are you carrying? If you say “none” well then we will know you are a narcissist or BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.

"hatred for the person you did it with"? WTH wrong with you? If you feel regret and you made your own choices, why would you suddenly hate the person that gave you an orgasm?

[Anonymous]

I don’t get what you’re saying about regretting the years wasted on an affair. Are you saying you wish you’d had an affair with someone else that whole time? An affair that would lead to monogamous relationship? If so l think you have pretty messed up expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.

"hatred for the person you did it with"? WTH wrong with you? If you feel regret and you made your own choices, why would you suddenly hate the person that gave you an orgasm?

AP was a nasty, passive aggressive person. I hated the AP by the end which is why we broke up.

It’s not uncommon for people to have absolutely nothing good condition out of a relationship—especially one built on complete lies and caused trauma to everyone. If somebody lied about their premise, no-strings but then wanted a full blown marriage ending relationship that’s false pretense.

[Anonymous]

Affairs are wrong. Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.

"hatred for the person you did it with"? WTH wrong with you? If you feel regret and you made your own choices, why would you suddenly hate the person that gave you an orgasm?

AP was a nasty, passive aggressive person. I hated the AP by the end which is why we broke up.

It’s not uncommon for people to have absolutely nothing good condition out of a relationship—especially one built on complete lies and caused trauma to everyone. If somebody lied about their premise, no-strings but then wanted a full blown marriage ending relationship that’s false pretense.

That’s just you being an idiot. Blame yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.

"hatred for the person you did it with"? WTH wrong with you? If you feel regret and you made your own choices, why would you suddenly hate the person that gave you an orgasm?

AP was a nasty, passive aggressive person. I hated the AP by the end which is why we broke up.

It’s not uncommon for people to have absolutely nothing good condition out of a relationship—especially one built on complete lies and caused trauma to everyone. If somebody lied about their premise, no-strings but then wanted a full blown marriage ending relationship that’s false pretense.

That’s just you being an idiot. Blame yourself.

His AP was an idiot to get involved with him too. You can’t expect respect in a situation between pathological liars that cheat. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.

"hatred for the person you did it with"? WTH wrong with you? If you feel regret and you made your own choices, why would you suddenly hate the person that gave you an orgasm?

^and here is why women can’t have no-strings sex and fail to understand men.

Men have an orgasm every single time they have sex, whether it’s a complete stranger they don’t even know or they paid for it. Guys in high school will line up to bang the one girl that’s known to put out even if they don’t like her as a person, she’s easy. Married people who have 1,000s of orgasms with a spouse sometimes end up hating their Ex. People have nasty break ups with boyfriends and girlfriends after having lots of sex and never want to see them again.

A married woman on an affair website is just like that girl in high school guys knew they could easily bang and she wouldn’t expect anything more. That would pretend to like her just enough. When she had served her purpose: ghosted. And if she has been particularly annoying and starting to complicate their real life—yeah they end up hating them for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

DP. I'm going to ask, OP, can you please look at the post above again? I know it's hard to read but there's truth here. I

do get that your initial post is about your own feelings and that's OK; you can feel grief.

But it's time to move on to asking yourself what you were thinking and feeling that very first time you went online seeking out someone with whom to have sex outside your marriage. Years ago now.

Those problems that made you think NSA sex was an OK option to pursue are still there, aren't they? The affair did not fix them, or fix you. It's way past time to stop thinking about sex, or your own feelings right now, and put the brakes on everything except figuring out why you did this in the first place. You really do need to consider divorce; why haven't you? Because you were waiting for your AP finally to decide to be with you? It's time, now, to look at who you are without an AP to focus on. To look at who you are now, with a marriage that is, what exactly? To look at your kids, if you have them, and ask what you would want them to know about your affair, or about you.

If you are not in therapy, please get into it. Please don't start thinking about tapping those keys and finding another online hookup. Please look for whatever it was that made you believe NSA sex was somehow going to be "enough" and what problem you felt it would solve for you then, and why you believed (because you did, in the end) that he would choose you. You looked for validation from him, validation in an affair, not in your marriage or your family. Why? How do you keep from repeating this mistake? Becuase yes, it was a mistake, a waste of a vast amount of time, and a cruelty to others even if you don't know or never meet them.

This break up is an opportunity for you to figure out what your real issues are, the issues you thought an affair (whether it was NSA or with feelings) could solve. But don't drag your DH and kids, if any, along with you on another journey toward another AP. Either recognize that you need to be single again, or double down on your marriage and family with a ton of therapy and yeah, revealing this to your DH so HE can make an informed choice.

DP. I don't think it's clear she thought he would ever pick her. She wrote that he only ever spoke very highly of his wife. I think she was in denial about that the entire time. I think she placed way too much weight on the timeline of hanging on. Maybe she thought she could wear him down or change his mind. It sounds like he was upfront and stuck to the script. (an awful and disgusting script by the way). She was drawn to the unattainable.

Agree. She needs some serious therapy on why she is doing this in her marriage. It is someone of a disordered mind, emotional well being. Her post describes zero remorse or shame. Her kids and her husband are an after thought, an obstacle to her made up glamorous other life that the AP represented and she wanted, perhaps to just fill in and replace his wife. That alone is so completely ludicrous, the thought she would be accepted into his circle and by his family and that there would be one big happy ending. IT's even more ludicrous because it sounds like he was clear at the beginning that it would never be that or anything more than it was.

I don't think she is a person that feels empathy. It does not sound like she can put herself in the betrayeds' shoes or the kids' shoes. She is delusional and disordered with some very low self-esteem to do what she did. What they did destroys families and it causes lifelong trauma and pain for the spouses. Again, zero empathy. Though I'm going to guess she is one of those that thinks she has it in spades.

Agree with all of the above. Why? Why, OP, why? You are ultimately treated like crap and disposed of and risking your family for it. What mental illness or trauma are you carrying? If you say “none” well then we will know you are a narcissist or BPD.

She is trouble with a capital T. Beware: these are the type of married chicks willing to have affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

He said horrible things to you and about you?? “What is love? Please don’t hurt me. Whooahh ohh ohhh”

You are an idiot. You are looking for lifelong love on a cheating website? You got played. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’ll play bad cop.

You agreed to a no-strings affair with both of you being married. And, then you changed the rules on him. I’m guessing you were pushing for more than he was willing to give the longer this thing went on—more meet ups, public outings, etc. It’s quite possible his situation changed for the better at home too.

He likely tried pulling away, doing the gradual fade out that the other poster did, but you were t getting the hint or he was being weak and caving in for the sex. He likely got overwhelmed and wanted FINALITY so he said things to ensure it was ended for good—especially if you two had a push-pull volatile type of affair where you’d fight make up, etc.

Affairs are between immature people that often are broken so behavior like that is common. Also, men compartmentalize sex. Sounds like he was tired of the whole thing or it ran it’s course for him and the stress was too much.

Man here who broke off an affair in an unfortunately ugly way and this is very accurate for what my thought process was. I was reluctant to start an affair (not dodging blame, she pursued me) and she was the one who constantly assured at the start it was NSA, just two lonely married people finding physical affection on the side. Of course, I am an idiot for thinking it would stay that way. And after about 2 years, it was exactly as described, demands for more time, more public meetings. The final straw was when she made up a reason why I had to see her when she knew I had a family obligation and it led to an ugly end.

All that being said, I feel for you, OP. You made a mistake as did I and I have definitely learned from it.

^Listen to the men on this one, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.

An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

[Anonymous]

He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.


An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

Yep, it was only real sex and that’s not a relationship. It’s not knowing each other’s friends and families, planning family vacations, taking care of each other when sick, owning a home, walking the dog, joint accounts, and on and on. It’s just sex and talk about a fake future, without access to 90% of the AP’s real life. So yes, the “relationship “ was a fantasy.