AP break up

[Anonymous]

OP- you weren’t used because you got what you told him you were in for—no strings. You got demanding. You wanted respect and for him to leave his wife. He blew up at you because he was an idiot that got in way over his head and thought he could have his cake and eat it too.

If you don’t want to be treated like a whore, don’t act like one.

You need to get a divorce because you are treating your husband horribly, and with this consuming you you aren’t even present for your kids.

[Anonymous]

She will get over it - when the limerance spell wears off and heavy shame sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.

Really sad story, OP. I feel you somehow don’t think you deserve to be loved. Like you are depriving yourself and this… connection or whatever it is, is lingering on in significance because you don’t feel worthy of having someone who is really yours. I hope you wake up and see that you deserve more than this guy who frankly sounds pretty selfish.

Do I? I was in love with a married man for 13 years. I ended my own (abusive) marriage partly because of it. Many people would say I deserve to be alone.

You don’t help anyone by not healing yourself. Yes, you absolutely deserve to be loved. It’s a decision to punish yourself, and if you love yourself you could love others instead of sitting in a corner self-flagellating. (Saying that with loving humor, in case tone is lost.) Get up girl, wash your face — time to get out there and stop thinking about this. Forgive yourself for this mistake and move on. Whatever you have done or not done is in the past. You deserve happiness and a love of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will get over it - when the limerance spell wears off and heavy shame sets in.

Nah. These types only do once they get another affair partner. She hasn’t learned. There is no self reflection about what she did as being wrong. No self reflection on what inside is causing her to choose to continue to have affairs in her marriage. It’s all about: poor her. “My AP was mean to me.” Waaahh wahhh.

She is definitely BPD or some other disorder because she is still acting blameless. She is where she is because of herself.

I wish someone would tip her husband off.

[Anonymous]

You met an affair partner on an online dating site. You expect respect? You are looking for an exit affair, but are t honest with yourself or the men you tell it will be no-strings/no intent to leave marriage. You know exactly what you are doing. The classic “I’m so fun and daring and sex should be open. Let’s just have an adventure”, the whole time wishing ill will on his wife and scheming how to get him to choose you.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you posted about this relationship before? The detail about a sick AP who couldn’t be contacted rings a bell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this relationship before? The detail about a sick AP who couldn’t be contacted rings a bell.

The sick AP wasn't OP--that was a different pp giving an example of what happened to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

He only wanted some fun on the side. It sounds like a midlife affair in a long marriage. It sounds like his marriage improved (a lot of these things are circumstantial--sick parents, death of someone, identity crisis, etc.) and/or the stress of lying and betraying his wife got too much. You probably also freaked him out by pushing for more and finally voicing your true wishes of having a 'real' relationship with him. I agree that he likely tried to pull away non-confrontationally, contact you less, particularly if he was worried you would get upset and do something rash like out him to his wife. He might have thought you were unstable. The stress came crashing down and he let you know exactly what he thought of you the entire time. He told you what you wanted to hear because he was playing a part and trying on a new persona for awhile. That no longer served him and neither did you.

Did your husband ever find out about this affair? That is a lot of time to lie and deceive him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will get over it - when the limerance spell wears off and heavy shame sets in.

She has no shame .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

He only wanted some fun on the side. It sounds like a midlife affair in a long marriage. It sounds like his marriage improved (a lot of these things are circumstantial--sick parents, death of someone, identity crisis, etc.) and/or the stress of lying and betraying his wife got too much. You probably also freaked him out by pushing for more and finally voicing your true wishes of having a 'real' relationship with him. I agree that he likely tried to pull away non-confrontationally, contact you less, particularly if he was worried you would get upset and do something rash like out him to his wife. He might have thought you were unstable. The stress came crashing down and he let you know exactly what he thought of you the entire time. He told you what you wanted to hear because he was playing a part and trying on a new persona for awhile. That no longer served him and neither did you.

Did your husband ever find out about this affair? That is a lot of time to lie and deceive him.

Spot on. The psychology of your typical online married dating affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

DP. I'm going to ask, OP, can you please look at the post above again? I know it's hard to read but there's truth here. I

do get that your initial post is about your own feelings and that's OK; you can feel grief.

But it's time to move on to asking yourself what you were thinking and feeling that very first time you went online seeking out someone with whom to have sex outside your marriage. Years ago now.

Those problems that made you think NSA sex was an OK option to pursue are still there, aren't they? The affair did not fix them, or fix you. It's way past time to stop thinking about sex, or your own feelings right now, and put the brakes on everything except figuring out why you did this in the first place. You really do need to consider divorce; why haven't you? Because you were waiting for your AP finally to decide to be with you? It's time, now, to look at who you are without an AP to focus on. To look at who you are now, with a marriage that is, what exactly? To look at your kids, if you have them, and ask what you would want them to know about your affair, or about you.

If you are not in therapy, please get into it. Please don't start thinking about tapping those keys and finding another online hookup. Please look for whatever it was that made you believe NSA sex was somehow going to be "enough" and what problem you felt it would solve for you then, and why you believed (because you did, in the end) that he would choose you. You looked for validation from him, validation in an affair, not in your marriage or your family. Why? How do you keep from repeating this mistake? Becuase yes, it was a mistake, a waste of a vast amount of time, and a cruelty to others even if you don't know or never meet them.

This break up is an opportunity for you to figure out what your real issues are, the issues you thought an afffair (whether it was NSA or with feelings) could solve. But don't drag your DH and kids, if any, along with you on another journey toward another AP. Either recognize that you need to be single again, or double down on your marriage and family with a ton of therapy and yeah, revealing this to your DH so HE can make an informed choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

DP. I'm going to ask, OP, can you please look at the post above again? I know it's hard to read but there's truth here. I

do get that your initial post is about your own feelings and that's OK; you can feel grief.

But it's time to move on to asking yourself what you were thinking and feeling that very first time you went online seeking out someone with whom to have sex outside your marriage. Years ago now.

Those problems that made you think NSA sex was an OK option to pursue are still there, aren't they? The affair did not fix them, or fix you. It's way past time to stop thinking about sex, or your own feelings right now, and put the brakes on everything except figuring out why you did this in the first place. You really do need to consider divorce; why haven't you? Because you were waiting for your AP finally to decide to be with you? It's time, now, to look at who you are without an AP to focus on. To look at who you are now, with a marriage that is, what exactly? To look at your kids, if you have them, and ask what you would want them to know about your affair, or about you.

If you are not in therapy, please get into it. Please don't start thinking about tapping those keys and finding another online hookup. Please look for whatever it was that made you believe NSA sex was somehow going to be "enough" and what problem you felt it would solve for you then, and why you believed (because you did, in the end) that he would choose you. You looked for validation from him, validation in an affair, not in your marriage or your family. Why? How do you keep from repeating this mistake? Becuase yes, it was a mistake, a waste of a vast amount of time, and a cruelty to others even if you don't know or never meet them.

This break up is an opportunity for you to figure out what your real issues are, the issues you thought an affair (whether it was NSA or with feelings) could solve. But don't drag your DH and kids, if any, along with you on another journey toward another AP. Either recognize that you need to be single again, or double down on your marriage and family with a ton of therapy and yeah, revealing this to your DH so HE can make an informed choice.

DP. I don't think it's clear she thought he would ever pick her. She wrote that he only ever spoke very highly of his wife. I think she was in denial about that the entire time. I think she placed way too much weight on the timeline of hanging on. Maybe she thought she could wear him down or change his mind. It sounds like he was upfront and stuck to the script. (an awful and disgusting script by the way). She was drawn to the unattainable.

Agree. She needs some serious therapy on why she is doing this in her marriage. It is someone of a disordered mind, emotional well being. Her post describes zero remorse or shame. Her kids and her husband are an after thought, an obstacle to her made up glamorous other life that the AP represented and she wanted, perhaps to just fill in and replace his wife. That alone is so completely ludicrous, the thought she would be accepted into his circle and by his family and that there would be one big happy ending. IT's even more ludicrous because it sounds like he was clear at the beginning that it would never be that or anything more than it was.

I don't think she is a person that feels empathy. It does not sound like she can put herself in the betrayeds' shoes or the kids' shoes. She is delusional and disordered with some very low self-esteem to do what she did. What they did destroys families and it causes lifelong trauma and pain for the spouses. Again, zero empathy. Though I'm going to guess she is one of those that thinks she has it in spades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Nobody ever regrets the O face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Nobody ever regrets the O face.

The ones that lost everything that was ever important to them certainly do.

[Anonymous]

^ having to look your spouse or children in the eye and own up to what you did in your way of being kicked out the door sure fills you with a lot of regret and hatred for the person you did it with.