AP break up

[Anonymous]

OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

Which is why she should be divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

Classic BPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Well you are horrible. What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.


His poor wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’ll play bad cop.

You agreed to a no-strings affair with both of you being married. And, then you changed the rules on him. I’m guessing you were pushing for more than he was willing to give the longer this thing went on—more meet ups, public outings, etc. It’s quite possible his situation changed for the better at home too.

He likely tried pulling away, doing the gradual fade out that the other poster did, but you were t getting the hint or he was being weak and caving in for the sex. He likely got overwhelmed and wanted FINALITY so he said things to ensure it was ended for good—especially if you two had a push-pull volatile type of affair where you’d fight make up, etc.

Affairs are between immature people that often are broken so behavior like that is common. Also, men compartmentalize sex. Sounds like he was tired of the whole thing or it ran it’s course for him and the stress was too much.

Man here who broke off an affair in an unfortunately ugly way and this is very accurate for what my thought process was. I was reluctant to start an affair (not dodging blame, she pursued me) and she was the one who constantly assured at the start it was NSA, just two lonely married people finding physical affection on the side. Of course, I am an idiot for thinking it would stay that way. And after about 2 years, it was exactly as described, demands for more time, more public meetings. The final straw was when she made up a reason why I had to see her when she knew I had a family obligation and it led to an ugly end.

All that being said, I feel for you, OP. You made a mistake as did I and I have definitely learned from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.


Really sad story, OP. I feel you somehow don’t think you deserve to be loved. Like you are depriving yourself and this… connection or whatever it is, is lingering on in significance because you don’t feel worthy of having someone who is really yours. I hope you wake up and see that you deserve more than this guy who frankly sounds pretty selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well? You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.” If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.

+1 No concern for the kids or spouses. No self-reflection about all the trauma and harm she’s causing. It’s all about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’ll play bad cop.

You agreed to a no-strings affair with both of you being married. And, then you changed the rules on him. I’m guessing you were pushing for more than he was willing to give the longer this thing went on—more meet ups, public outings, etc. It’s quite possible his situation changed for the better at home too.

He likely tried pulling away, doing the gradual fade out that the other poster did, but you were t getting the hint or he was being weak and caving in for the sex. He likely got overwhelmed and wanted FINALITY so he said things to ensure it was ended for good—especially if you two had a push-pull volatile type of affair where you’d fight make up, etc.

Affairs are between immature people that often are broken so behavior like that is common. Also, men compartmentalize sex. Sounds like he was tired of the whole thing or it ran it’s course for him and the stress was too much.

Man here who broke off an affair in an unfortunately ugly way and this is very accurate for what my thought process was. I was reluctant to start an affair (not dodging blame, she pursued me) and she was the one who constantly assured at the start it was NSA, just two lonely married people finding physical affection on the side. Of course, I am an idiot for thinking it would stay that way. And after about 2 years, it was exactly as described, demands for more time, more public meetings. The final straw was when she made up a reason why I had to see her when she knew I had a family obligation and it led to an ugly end.

All that being said, I feel for you, OP. You made a mistake as did I and I have definitely learned from it.

Women will always want more if these things keep going. It does not matter what they tell you at the start. They attach feelings to the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.

His poor wife.

I know. I said exactly that to him. I think about her constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.

Really sad story, OP. I feel you somehow don’t think you deserve to be loved. Like you are depriving yourself and this… connection or whatever it is, is lingering on in significance because you don’t feel worthy of having someone who is really yours. I hope you wake up and see that you deserve more than this guy who frankly sounds pretty selfish.

Do I? I was in love with a married man for 13 years. I ended my own (abusive) marriage partly because of it. Many people would say I deserve to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.

Really sad story, OP. I feel you somehow don’t think you deserve to be loved. Like you are depriving yourself and this… connection or whatever it is, is lingering on in significance because you don’t feel worthy of having someone who is really yours. I hope you wake up and see that you deserve more than this guy who frankly sounds pretty selfish.

Do I? I was in love with a married man for 13 years. I ended my own (abusive) marriage partly because of it. Many people would say I deserve to be alone.

Please quit hijacking. You have posted a lot on this board about it. I hope you are in therapy.

[Anonymous]

The only sad thing about that cancer scare woman and her slimy affair is the poor woman who has no idea and was betrayed all of those years. There is nothing romantic or tragic about it. Complete histrionic personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

it off or him?

His issue. My overwhelm. We had been no contact (my doing) for years during which I (unknown to him) got divorced partly bc of my continued feelings for him. He reached out to tell me he was seriously ill. Then while he was hospitalized and I could not contact him, I myself had a cancer scare. He did not know and still does not know since I chose not to tell him while he was dealing with a more serious threat. I faced how alone I was in that situation, while he was surrounded by family. When he recovered he contacted me again with a very vulnerable message about feeling like he had been punished for transgressing but the message itself was not final and left a toe in the door. I could not take it. I loved him and could not take it anymore. I was also angry at him for consuming my life while his continued. But he was still recovering so I did not let loose on him; also felt / deeply experienced that he was someone else’s husband and there was no place for that relationship between us. It was deeply embarrassing although he had always made me feel valued, was responsive and accountable, and never once said a cruel word. I will never get over it. I have never loved anyone like that before or since.


“I will never get over it” is a choice. You have decided your fate.