AP break up

[Anonymous]

If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Your health issue or his? You broke it off or him?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is just a guess but (1) it probably did mean something to him in the moment, and (2) his poor behavior at the end, including the name calling, was probably projection of his own negative feelings (shame about the affair, disappointment at his own life, or whatever) on to you. Intimate partners often become the dumping ground for such emotions.

[Anonymous]

OP- I’ll play bad cop.

You agreed to a no-strings affair with both of you being married. And, then you changed the rules on him. I’m guessing you were pushing for more than he was willing to give the longer this thing went on—more meet ups, public outings, etc. It’s quite possible his situation changed for the better at home too.

He likely tried pulling away, doing the gradual fade out that the other poster did, but you were t getting the hint or he was being weak and caving in for the sex. He likely got overwhelmed and wanted FINALITY so he said things to ensure it was ended for good—especially if you two had a push-pull volatile type of affair where you’d fight make up, etc.

Affairs are between immature people that often are broken so behavior like that is common. Also, men compartmentalize sex. Sounds like he was tired of the whole thing or it ran it’s course for him and the stress was too much.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I regret it. I also got caught so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Regularly fighting with an AP seems stupid.

You seem to have issues that are probably best sorted with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you are not already divorced.
I don't get it.
I'm divorced.
I think it meant more to you than him. You were doing an "Exit affair" and he was doing an affair to stay married basically.

If he said horrible things, no matter how long it was, yes, it would have soured me on the whole thing. He was not worth it.

You should get a divorce. If you are not happily married, get a divorce. Don't go down this road again. You did waste too much time on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why you are not already divorced.
I don't get it.
I'm divorced.
I think it meant more to you than him. You were doing an "Exit affair" and he was doing an affair to stay married basically.

If he said horrible things, no matter how long it was, yes, it would have soured me on the whole thing. He was not worth it.

You should get a divorce. If you are not happily married, get a divorce. Don't go down this road again. You did waste too much time on this.

Yeah. She’s shopping around while married and with guys that have zero intention of ever being with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.

This. He played a fantasy, and part of the sickness was toying with you to get you to fall for him. The mask came off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

Didn’t say anything horrible. Had a major health issue and come to Jesus moment and tried to cut loose gently but I was overwhelmed and wound up ghosting. Didn’t intend to but there was so much to say and he would not call. It was devastating.

Change the angle from which you view this. It was going nowhere. It was not improving your marital situation. You "wasted" 4 whole years of time and energy. What if it was 6, 10, 15? This was a distraction, that's all. He did you a favor because now you can refocus your energy on your real life, not a fantasy. Plus, you got a squeaky clean break. Not caught. Quit while you're ahead. Dude is overwhelmed. The party is over.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try living an honest life going forward. Don’t cheat on your husband and don’t bang married men. Get a divorce already.