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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I’m not seeing any regret for how you are treating your H. You only seem concerned about yourself and how you feel. Maybe that kind of self-centered approach became an issue in your affair as well?  You seem to even be considering “putting yourself back out there.”   If you mean while you are still married, then you are bound for a repeat of your disappointing situation.  [/quote]

DP. I'm going to ask, OP, can you please look at the post above again? I know it's hard to read but there's truth here. I

do get that your initial post is about your own feelings and that's OK; you can feel grief.

But it's time to move on to asking yourself what you were thinking and feeling that very first time you went online seeking out someone with whom to have sex outside your marriage. Years ago now.

Those problems that made you think NSA sex was an OK option to pursue are still there, aren't they? The affair did not fix them, or fix you. It's way past time to stop thinking about sex, or your own feelings right now, and put the brakes on [i]everything[/i] except figuring out why you did this in the first place. You really do need to consider divorce; why haven't you? Because you were waiting for your AP finally to decide to be with you? It's time, now, to look at [i]who you are without an AP to focus on.[/i] To look at who you are now, with a marriage that is, what exactly? To look at your kids, if you have them, and ask what you would want them to know about your affair, or about you.

If you are not in therapy, please get into it. Please don't start thinking about tapping those keys and finding another online hookup. Please look for whatever it was that made you believe NSA sex was somehow going to be "enough" and what problem you felt it would solve for you then, and why you believed (because you did, in the end) that he would choose you. You looked for validation from him, validation in an affair, not in your marriage or your family. Why? How do you keep from repeating this mistake? Becuase yes, it was a mistake, a waste of a vast amount of time, and a cruelty to others even if you don't know or never meet them.

This break up is an opportunity for you to figure out what your real issues are, the issues you thought an affair (whether it was NSA or with feelings) could solve. But don't drag your DH and kids, if any, along with you on another journey toward another AP. Either recognize that you need to be single again, or double down on your marriage and family with a ton of therapy and yeah, revealing this to your DH so HE can make an informed choice. [/quote]

DP.  I don't think it's clear she thought he would ever pick her.  She wrote that he only ever spoke very highly of his wife. I think she was in denial about that the entire time.  I think she placed way too much weight on the timeline of hanging on.  Maybe she thought she could wear him down or change his mind.  It sounds like he was upfront and stuck to the script. (an awful and disgusting script by the way).  She was drawn to the unattainable.

Agree. She needs some serious therapy on why she is doing this in her marriage.  It is someone of a disordered mind, emotional well being.  Her post describes zero remorse or shame.  Her kids and her husband are an after thought, an obstacle to her made up glamorous other life that the AP represented and she wanted, perhaps to just fill in and replace his wife.  That alone is so completely ludicrous, the thought she would be accepted into his circle and by his family and that there would be one big happy ending.  IT's even more ludicrous because it sounds like he was clear at the beginning that it would never be that or anything more than it was.

I don't think she is a person that feels empathy.  It does not sound like she can put herself in the betrayeds'  shoes or the kids' shoes.  She is delusional and disordered with some very low self-esteem to do what she did.  What they did destroys families and it causes lifelong trauma and pain for the spouses.  Again, zero empathy.  Though I'm going to guess she is one of those that thinks she has it in spades.  [/quote]

Agree with all of the above. Why? Why, OP, why? You are ultimately treated like crap and disposed of and risking your family for it.  What mental illness or trauma are you carrying?  If you say “none” well then we will know you are a narcissist or BPD.[/quote]

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