Update to previously deleted thread- my sister won’t let anyone hold her baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you’re posting so that you can get support from multiple internet strangers who can join you in piling on how “unreasonable “ your sister is?
Your sister gets to decide her own level of acceptable risk for herself — and to work out how to handle that with her husband.
Your sister is probably doing exactly what you have done — just with different conclusions and a different level of risk from yours.
That really is ok.

+1 she's got a tiny baby to take care of and protect, let her do that in whatever way works for her. She's the one that has to live with the decisions she makes

Well, it sounds like the husband doesn't agree, and he has as much right to decide what is acceptable for his child as the mother. OP, all you can do is advise your BIL to talk to their pediatrician about the concerns and see if they think she should be screened for PPD/PPA.

Support any way you can from afar. Show her that you are willing to connect with her on her terms. Maybe see if she would be open to a visit through a window? You could sit outside her house and talk through a window?

[Anonymous]

The husband has to take her to a doctor to get a PPD diagnosis and some medication. She sound like she is in real distress and cannot figure out a way to reach out for help. He needs to push the issue for the health of his wife and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you’re posting so that you can get support from multiple internet strangers who can join you in piling on how “unreasonable “ your sister is?
Your sister gets to decide her own level of acceptable risk for herself — and to work out how to handle that with her husband.
Your sister is probably doing exactly what you have done — just with different conclusions and a different level of risk from yours.
That really is ok.

+1 she's got a tiny baby to take care of and protect, let her do that in whatever way works for her. She's the one that has to live with the decisions she makes

Or she is mentally ill and needs help? She isn’t rational.

[Anonymous]

I have a newborn and we are not seeing any family or friends (other than grandparents who are staying with us to help) until she turns 3 months old. We made this decision before she was born and communicated it. Luckily everyone in my circle understands.

Can you get your sister to put a time limit? Generally babies are more hardy after 3 months.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like it could be PPA. I did (and did not do) some crazy things with my first and I thought I was being normal-level cautious. But my risk tolerance was completely off kilter.

Was she this cautious pre-pregnancy? How about when she was pregnant? If she’s been like this all along, it could still be anxiety, I don’t know. But seems like a big change would more likely point to hormones.

Can your BIL go to the next ped checkup with her? Thats in a few weeks. Most peds have a form to screen for PPD/PPA. Your BIL can probably also call ahead to the ped and express concerns and ask for suggestions. Bottom line is if your sis doesn’t want help no one can force it on her, but maybe the pediatrician, who is not a family member, can help her identify where here thinking is out of whack and that she might benefit from speaking with a mental health professional. Lots of those appointments can be virtual.

Note that I am not suggesting the ped try to get her to change her mind about her level of caution. That’s a dead end. But maybe they can help her recognize the warning signs of PPD/A.

As for your BIL’s travel - maybe they can work out a solution? Quarantine for 3 days upon return then take a PCR? 2 negative PCR tests 2 days apart? I would think that would be incredibly hard on your sister in terms of being alone with the baby for that long, but…

[Anonymous]

Wait are you people serious? You think it’s reasonable to not even take a newborn for a stroller walk outside because…other people might have walked by? Clearly this poor woman is suffering from PPA and needs help..????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you’re posting so that you can get support from multiple internet strangers who can join you in piling on how “unreasonable “ your sister is?
Your sister gets to decide her own level of acceptable risk for herself — and to work out how to handle that with her husband.
Your sister is probably doing exactly what you have done — just with different conclusions and a different level of risk from yours.
That really is ok.

+1 she's got a tiny baby to take care of and protect, let her do that in whatever way works for her. She's the one that has to live with the decisions she makes

Or she is mentally ill and needs help? She isn’t rational.

She is very rational to not allow others to hold the baby given covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait are you people serious? You think it’s reasonable to not even take a newborn for a stroller walk outside because…other people might have walked by? Clearly this poor woman is suffering from PPA and needs help..????

OP is nuts and this woman cannot be bothered with her. Its not PPA or anything else and its common sense to keep newborn away with cold. flu and covid.

[Anonymous]

Get the DH to go to the next Dr's app and have a chat about it. Talk about the risks and with this information the Dr may decide that PPD is a problem or may be able to give some facts to your sister to help her see her fears are over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait are you people serious? You think it’s reasonable to not even take a newborn for a stroller walk outside because…other people might have walked by? Clearly this poor woman is suffering from PPA and needs help..????

+1. OP might be a bit of a cow, but not taking your baby outdoors, ever “because someone might walk by” is also not normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister is nuts and I understand why you are concerned/annoyed. In 10 years, she will be complaining that grandparents and others favor their other grandkids, etc. over her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait are you people serious? You think it’s reasonable to not even take a newborn for a stroller walk outside because…other people might have walked by? Clearly this poor woman is suffering from PPA and needs help..????

+1. OP might be a bit of a cow, but not taking your baby outdoors, ever “because someone might walk by” is also not normal.

Thing is (if she’s real) she probably is taking her baby for plenty of walks outside. She just doesn’t want to go for walks outside with OP[b] who sounds like she’s a controlling busybody.

[Anonymous]

Respect her boundaries and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's her baby. Any chance she secretly hates all of you and is using Covid as an excuse to not see or be around all of you? You do sound really annoying.

+1 You can’t possibly be this desperate to see a baby that isn’t yours, OP. You just don’t like your sister. You are weirdly obsessed with this.

Not OP. I’m close with my sister and was dying to hold my baby niece for the first time. The feeling was mutual for my sister of course but OP is not weird. Her sister is the weird one.

OP is obsessed. She's definitely the weird one.

[Anonymous]

As a new mom to an infant, I wouldn’t trust you to respect my boundaries or be respectful/empathetic even on a walk. I bet your sister is just avoiding you. I would. It is such a hard time as a new parent and you seem to lack empathy/be focused only on the baby (which isn’t yours btw and you have no entitlement to see) rather than your sisters well being. I hope that you can find a way to apologize to your sister and ask how SHE is doing. Otherwise, you risk her not wanting to spend much time with you.

PS - New moms hate feeling forgotten especially now. It is hard in normal times to feel like people just fawn over the baby and don’t ask how you are. It’s even harder now.