Not being at home for a long period of time is not "abandonment"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s sad that your friend’s life was so hard, but you’re basically saying the only way she could reclaim her mental health was by abandoning her children. It’s bad for a child if you have to leave for a month or two because your mental health is that bad. It’s not necessarily your fault, but it still doesn’t make it good for your kids. From their perspective, they had a parent who was sick and couldn’t be there for them. They are entitled to feel abandoned.

You could say the same about cancer or COVID. But you wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s sad that your friend’s life was so hard, but you’re basically saying the only way she could reclaim her mental health was by abandoning her children. It’s bad for a child if you have to leave for a month or two because your mental health is that bad. It’s not necessarily your fault, but it still doesn’t make it good for your kids. From their perspective, they had a parent who was sick and couldn’t be there for them. They are entitled to feel abandoned.

You could say the same about cancer or COVID. But you wouldn’t.

I actually would, to be honest. If your parent is isolated for 2 weeks with Covid one time, okay, that’s not the hugest deal. If your parent is isolated in the hospital with cancer for 2 months and totally unavailable to you, it’s not your parent’s fault, but it’s undeniably bad for the child. The child can definitely feel that they were abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

That’s the thing if you are unwilling to fix yourself it’s all cool to be “sent to rehab” but when you think.. I’m on the brink I need to step back, it should be okay to need that. She asked her spouse, he said “who will take care of everything” she said “whoever will do that if I’m hospitalized for something” he didn’t get it, she ended up “hospitalized for something … a breakdown”

Not everybody on the brink of breaking fiend”can be great at verbalizing it”.

Sometimes the kids need to understand not all their wants and needs will be met at some points in your life.

What’s the right amount of time? Ten days? 30 days? Just whenever the “I need a break” person decides they want to come home? How much of a budget to live somewhere else? Hotel? Short term rental? AP home?
My gift to my husband every year is a vacation. Sometimes it’s golfing down in SC with work friends. Sometimes it’s a long motorcycle ride to Maine. I know he is happier when he gets me time.
I also go on short trips alone, like hiking with a women's group in NC. Our trips are always coordinated and agreed upon. This is what partners do for each other. They talk, they listen, they try to meet each other’s needs. It’s not unilateral.

[Anonymous]

How have we gotten to the point where "hey honey I'm going insane, I absolutely need to take a week away from the kids" is in the same category as just walking out for a month because you're not sure whether or not you want a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s sad that your friend’s life was so hard, but you’re basically saying the only way she could reclaim her mental health was by abandoning her children. It’s bad for a child if you have to leave for a month or two because your mental health is that bad. It’s not necessarily your fault, but it still doesn’t make it good for your kids. From their perspective, they had a parent who was sick and couldn’t be there for them. They are entitled to feel abandoned.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

The wife needs to be planning her 30-day getaway sans the kid. What's good for the goose...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

Why did your friend let her mental health get this bad? Why does she need 3 months away from her family? Guess what - returning she will find the exact same issues as before she left.
Taking care of mental health is a routine - not a 3 month vacation. It’s going on a long run once a week. Going out with a close friend once a month. Taking a spa day. And doing this over time, in small quantities so it doesn’t reach “I have to leave my family for 3 months for mental health.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who made you the arbiter of what feels like abandonment and what doesnt?

What you feel and what actually meets the legal standard of abandonment are two different things.

I think a lot of people just don’t understand legal terminology and that legal terms have different definitions than the same words used in every day language. Over in Money and Finances, there’s a thread about an executor for an estate who apparently thinks that being executor means that he can order the other siblings around and get them to do the executor’s tasks for him- even though he’s the one being paid to be executor.

I don’t know if we need better education about common legal situations in our country or if we should encourage people to consult with lawyers more when they don’t understand a situation. The problem is, they don’t realize that they don’t understand a particular situation until mistakes are made. Sometimes expensive mistakes.

Judging from the last two years, we need better education in everything.

Haha, very true!

[Anonymous]

I am accused by my spouse of abandonment because I spend a quarter of each year caring for a 90-year-old widowed parent with dementia across the country. Kids all grown, retired, spouse retired and encouraged to join me. It seems to me that it’s right to care for a parent in need like a child in need, but spouse sure doesn’t see it that way. I’d be interested on the DCUM take on this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am accused by my spouse of abandonment because I spend a quarter of each year caring for a 90-year-old widowed parent with dementia across the country. Kids all grown, retired, spouse retired and encouraged to join me. It seems to me that it’s right to care for a parent in need like a child in need, but spouse sure doesn’t see it that way. I’d be interested on the DCUM take on this situation.

This is an annual thing for 3-4 months? Didn’t you get them into a Memory Care unit? Do they even know you?

Anyhow, you failed to mention your relationship health and state of the marriage before bragging about living far away with your parent 25% of EACH year.
Convenient, both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

That’s the thing if you are unwilling to fix yourself it’s all cool to be “sent to rehab” but when you think.. I’m on the brink I need to step back, it should be okay to need that. She asked her spouse, he said “who will take care of everything” she said “whoever will do that if I’m hospitalized for something” he didn’t get it, she ended up “hospitalized for something … a breakdown”

Not everybody on the brink of breaking fiend”can be great at verbalizing it”.

Sometimes the kids need to understand not all their wants and needs will be met at some points in your life.

What’s the right amount of time? Ten days? 30 days? Just whenever the “I need a break” person decides they want to come home? How much of a budget to live somewhere else? Hotel? Short term rental? AP home?
My gift to my husband every year is a vacation. Sometimes it’s golfing down in SC with work friends. Sometimes it’s a long motorcycle ride to Maine. I know he is happier when he gets me time.
I also go on short trips alone, like hiking with a women's group in NC. Our trips are always coordinated and agreed upon. This is what partners do for each other. They talk, they listen, they try to meet each other’s needs. It’s not unilateral.

Nobody said it is unilateral. The length depend on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

Why did your friend let her mental health get this bad? Why does she need 3 months away from her family? Guess what - returning she will find the exact same issues as before she left.
Taking care of mental health is a routine - not a 3 month vacation. It’s going on a long run once a week. Going out with a close friend once a month. Taking a spa day. And doing this over time, in small quantities so it doesn’t reach “I have to leave my family for 3 months for mental health.”

Because every time she asked for a break her H answer was "who will care for the house/kids", also she had a major life event with her family of origin when she was 33.

She actually did not need 90 days, and she definitely didn't need 90 or even 60 days the 1st time she said she needed intense therapy. She even offered to do outpatient during the day and wanted a nanny for 60 days. But eventually it fell to pieces.

She did do nights out and went to the gym and ran.... but she has a child with major needs, a family of origin that imploded when she was 33 with 2 small kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s sad that your friend’s life was so hard, but you’re basically saying the only way she could reclaim her mental health was by abandoning her children. It’s bad for a child if you have to leave for a month or two because your mental health is that bad. It’s not necessarily your fault, but it still doesn’t make it good for your kids. From their perspective, they had a parent who was sick and couldn’t be there for them. They are entitled to feel abandoned.

You could say the same about cancer or COVID. But you wouldn’t.

Mental gymnastics 101.

Some flighty self-centered woman fleeing to a cabin by herself for a month is not equivalent to someone requiring hospitalization.

You need help.

[Anonymous]

OP ->> there is a HUGE difference between someone having to leave the marital home to attend to a family emergency vs. someone who needs a sabbatical from the marriage.

The latter is basically an abandonment if the decision for one spouse to leave is not mutual.
Even if the bills are paid in full + there is food in the refrigerator, it is still abandonment in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am accused by my spouse of abandonment because I spend a quarter of each year caring for a 90-year-old widowed parent with dementia across the country. Kids all grown, retired, spouse retired and encouraged to join me. It seems to me that it’s right to care for a parent in need like a child in need, but spouse sure doesn’t see it that way. I’d be interested on the DCUM take on this situation.

This is an annual thing for 3-4 months? Didn’t you get them into a Memory Care unit? Do they even know you?

Anyhow, you failed to mention your relationship health and state of the marriage before bragging about living far away with your parent 25% of EACH year.
Convenient, both.

PP here: relationship has been stable though lacking affection through 40 years and spousal bouts with addiction and terminal illness scares (me). Parent very much aware that their children are their most loved ones but sometimes thinks they’re brother/sister/dead spouse. Admittedly, too much togetherness with spouse is a relevant issue.