Not being at home for a long period of time is not "abandonment"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Per the other thread's post, the OP is asking how to bring up the issue of taking a month break from the marriage. This means she (or he) is not ABANDONING the house or marriage. Again, if the other spouse is okay with it, it's not abandonment. I used my scenario because technically from a "taking care of the house and kid" situation it's the same. One parent leaves the house for X weeks and leaves one parent at home with a kid to take care of.

In the end, the only way it's deemed abandonment is if the OP in the other thread DOES NOT PLAN ON RETURNING AND LEAVES WITHOUT NOTICE!!!

People want to skip over this very important statement.

Are you on the spectrum, OP? I just wonder because you seem to be obsessing over a small, literal point instead of understanding what everyone is saying.

Please stop writing in capitals. It does not draw attention to your words — the opposite.

No he's just a man who can't admit he misunderstood.

LOL Thanks for the chuckle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
INTENT.

It's all that matters. If force majeur, or a temporary familial or other emergency in which you must leave to help other loved ones, prevents you from caring for your child, then that is morally understandable and forgivable.

Abandoning your child "because you need some time to reflect on your marriage" is neglectful and any person who thinks this is fine is selfish.

Buck up and reflect at home, while paying attention to your child.

Seriously! Do what a normal person does: go for a run or long walk by yourself to ruminate and get some time alone. You don't pack up and live somewhere else for a month just to 'think'.

There is someone else in the picture. I doubt we are getting the full story.

[Anonymous]

Women will throw the a lot of garbage against the wall in a divorce case, and hope something sticks. My ex-wife claimed a one-week business trip I took was "abandonment" and she sought "divorce for cause" based on this. The lawyers laughed at her, but I still had to pay my lawyer to read her nonsense, and respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

That’s the thing if you are unwilling to fix yourself it’s all cool to be “sent to rehab” but when you think.. I’m on the brink I need to step back, it should be okay to need that. She asked her spouse, he said “who will take care of everything” she said “whoever will do that if I’m hospitalized for something” he didn’t get it, she ended up “hospitalized for something … a breakdown”

Not everybody on the brink of breaking fiend”can be great at verbalizing it”.

Sometimes the kids need to understand not all their wants and needs will be met at some points in your life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but no. You do not just get to unilaterally take a break from your life and leave your spouse holding the bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

That’s the thing if you are unwilling to fix yourself it’s all cool to be “sent to rehab” but when you think.. I’m on the brink I need to step back, it should be okay to need that. She asked her spouse, he said “who will take care of everything” she said “whoever will do that if I’m hospitalized for something” he didn’t get it, she ended up “hospitalized for something … a breakdown”

Not everybody on the brink of breaking fiend”can be great at verbalizing it”.

Sometimes the kids need to understand not all their wants and needs will be met at some points in your life.

The problem is with her spouse specifically, not with her being addicted or not. If she had an addiction, she would have spiralled into health problems or jail just the same. Going to rehab is a privilege not all addicts have, either, and it still requires a willing spouse to take care of things if you go voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who made you the arbiter of what feels like abandonment and what doesnt?

What you feel and what actually meets the legal standard of abandonment are two different things.

[Anonymous]

These threads shine light on why men cheat on their wives. Lack of loyalty to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who made you the arbiter of what feels like abandonment and what doesnt?

What you feel and what actually meets the legal standard of abandonment are two different things.

I think people on the other thread were less concerned about the legal definition of abandonment, and more concerned about how it would appear to the 9 year old child. Yes, parents often have to leave for work or family duties, but that’s very different than bailing for a month because you’re not getting along with the other spouse. Especially because the op didn’t seem to give a moments thought to the child and his or her feelings. There was no plan to see or maintain communication with the child. That’s not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who made you the arbiter of what feels like abandonment and what doesnt?

What you feel and what actually meets the legal standard of abandonment are two different things.

I think a lot of people just don’t understand legal terminology and that legal terms have different definitions than the same words used in every day language. Over in Money and Finances, there’s a thread about an executor for an estate who apparently thinks that being executor means that he can order the other siblings around and get them to do the executor’s tasks for him- even though he’s the one being paid to be executor.

I don’t know if we need better education about common legal situations in our country or if we should encourage people to consult with lawyers more when they don’t understand a situation. The problem is, they don’t realize that they don’t understand a particular situation until mistakes are made. Sometimes expensive mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Per the other thread's post, the OP is asking how to bring up the issue of taking a month break from the marriage. This means she (or he) is not ABANDONING the house or marriage. Again, if the other spouse is okay with it, it's not abandonment. I used my scenario because technically from a "taking care of the house and kid" situation it's the same. One parent leaves the house for X weeks and leaves one parent at home with a kid to take care of.

In the end, the only way it's deemed abandonment is if the OP in the other thread DOES NOT PLAN ON RETURNING AND LEAVES WITHOUT NOTICE!!!

People want to skip over this very important statement.

Are you obtuse? Has anyone ever told you that you have low EQ? Because you are missing the forest for the trees. You really seem intent on the legal definition of abandonment, but you utterly, completely fail to realize that this entire discussion - with the exception of your "off" post - is not about legal definitions, but about the emotions behind the decision to leave your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

That’s the thing if you are unwilling to fix yourself it’s all cool to be “sent to rehab” but when you think.. I’m on the brink I need to step back, it should be okay to need that. She asked her spouse, he said “who will take care of everything” she said “whoever will do that if I’m hospitalized for something” he didn’t get it, she ended up “hospitalized for something … a breakdown”

Not everybody on the brink of breaking fiend”can be great at verbalizing it”.

Sometimes the kids need to understand not all their wants and needs will be met at some points in your life.

The problem is with her spouse specifically, not with her being addicted or not. If she had an addiction, she would have spiralled into health problems or jail just the same. Going to rehab is a privilege not all addicts have, either, and it still requires a willing spouse to take care of things if you go voluntarily.

Not true. I know addicts that get help before it’s court ordered. If she had an addiction, cancer, any number of socially acceptable needs to be unavailable to the family it’s both supported and celebrated. But if you need a mental health break pre-breakdown it’s weak, selfish , privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who made you the arbiter of what feels like abandonment and what doesnt?

What you feel and what actually meets the legal standard of abandonment are two different things.

I think a lot of people just don’t understand legal terminology and that legal terms have different definitions than the same words used in every day language. Over in Money and Finances, there’s a thread about an executor for an estate who apparently thinks that being executor means that he can order the other siblings around and get them to do the executor’s tasks for him- even though he’s the one being paid to be executor.

I don’t know if we need better education about common legal situations in our country or if we should encourage people to consult with lawyers more when they don’t understand a situation. The problem is, they don’t realize that they don’t understand a particular situation until mistakes are made. Sometimes expensive mistakes.

Judging from the last two years, we need better education in everything.

[Anonymous]

If you help a relative once for 3 weeks, I don’t think that’s abandonment. But if you’re always leaving your children to help other people, then you really have abandoned them, even if it’s for a good cause. You can’t consistently choose yourself or other people over your children.

And making sure they’re cares for and have money doesn’t count. If you’re a movie star away half the year but your kids have Nannies and plenty of money, you have still abandoned your family.

I don’t know if that’s the legal word for it, but that’s how a child would feel about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s sad that your friend’s life was so hard, but you’re basically saying the only way she could reclaim her mental health was by abandoning her children. It’s bad for a child if you have to leave for a month or two because your mental health is that bad. It’s not necessarily your fault, but it still doesn’t make it good for your kids. From their perspective, they had a parent who was sick and couldn’t be there for them. They are entitled to feel abandoned.