Not being at home for a long period of time is not "abandonment"

[Anonymous]

I'm starting a new thread so this does not get lost. There is another thread of a parent seeking to move out of their house for a month for a break from their marriage. Their spouse is a stay at home mom/dad and there's plenty of money (per their post). Too many people are stating it's "abandonment". No, it is not.

There are many situations when one parent is not in the house for weeks or months at a time. It's not abandonment. As long as everything is available to maintain the current lifestyle there is no issue. Example: My wife is a stay at home mom. We have one ten year old. My wife does not work. She stays home. I work and take care of all financials, investing, taxes, etc. She has plenty of income to pay for everything. Three months ago her father had a medical issue and she left the house for three weeks. During those three weeks I took care of our kid and went to work, took care of the house, food, cooking, cleaning, schoolwork, etc. Three weeks one parent was vacant from the home. It wasn't abandonment.

Now, reverse my situation three months ago. If it were my father who had a medical issue and I had to leave the house for three weeks...is it abandonment? No. My wife has full access to enough funds to last a year for all living expenses. Plus, as a stay at home mom she's already taking care of our kid. The other poster is in this same scenario. Only difference is the reason to not be at home.

If this person wants tot take a month "away" from the house due to marriage issues, it's not abandonment if they're already paying for the mortgage, bills, food, etc where the kid and spouse's life doesn't change or have duress. If one parent needs to leave the house for work it's not abandonment.

ABANDONMENT IS WHEN ONE SPOUSE LEAVES WITHOUT NOTICE AND DOES NOT INTEND TO RETURN. I hope everything is able to read all caps.

[Anonymous]

Are you a lawyer? Because I think most people bring up abandonment in that context they are talking about that in a legal sense as something that has consequences in future proceedings not in an emotional sense. And you seem focused on arguing about the semantics around the word from an emotional perspective

[Anonymous]

Abandonment is something you need to be charged with in court. Obviously if two spouses agree that one needs to be away, there is no issue. If one unilaterally removes themselves and refuses to engage in the care and supervision of the child, however, they are opening themselves to that charge in court. It can impact custody.

A different way of working this out that I have seen is the dad moves out but comes back in the mornings and between end of school/dinner to engage with and care for the child. Maybe the mother leaves the house during that time by previous agreement. Either way, you can’t just walk out and say well, I pay the bills so I’m still providing AND have it not count against you in a custody case. Duh.

[Anonymous]

There's a huge difference between leaving for a medical emergency, work, school, etc - ya know, life responsibilities - and leaving because you're checked out and want to try playing the field a bit before you make a final decision. In other words, avoiding actual life responsibilities.

And I can guarantee the OP of that thread either has someone else lined up, or they'll be hopping on dating apps, going on dates, and sleeping around. They just want to make sure they can actually do better before bailing for good.

If you can't see the difference between that and caring for a sick parent, you're an idiot.

The OP of the other thread needs to either sh!t or get off the pot. Either separate or commit to the marriage and get counseling. Running away won't solve anything.

[Anonymous]

There’s a world of difference between someone needing to leave home for work or to care for an ailing relative versus specifically someone wanting a break from being with their family. There’s TCB and then there’s wanting to leave your family because you don’t like living with them. People call it abandonment when you leave because you just can’t live with your family anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting a new thread so this does not get lost. There is another thread of a parent seeking to move out of their house for a month for a break from their marriage. Their spouse is a stay at home mom/dad and there's plenty of money (per their post). Too many people are stating it's "abandonment". No, it is not.

There are many situations when one parent is not in the house for weeks or months at a time. It's not abandonment. As long as everything is available to maintain the current lifestyle there is no issue. Example: My wife is a stay at home mom. We have one ten year old. My wife does not work. She stays home. I work and take care of all financials, investing, taxes, etc. She has plenty of income to pay for everything. Three months ago her father had a medical issue and she left the house for three weeks. During those three weeks I took care of our kid and went to work, took care of the house, food, cooking, cleaning, schoolwork, etc. Three weeks one parent was vacant from the home. It wasn't abandonment.

Now, reverse my situation three months ago. If it were my father who had a medical issue and I had to leave the house for three weeks...is it abandonment? No. My wife has full access to enough funds to last a year for all living expenses. Plus, as a stay at home mom she's already taking care of our kid. The other poster is in this same scenario. Only difference is the reason to not be at home.

If this person wants tot take a month "away" from the house due to marriage issues, it's not abandonment if they're already paying for the mortgage, bills, food, etc where the kid and spouse's life doesn't change or have duress. If one parent needs to leave the house for work it's not abandonment.

ABANDONMENT IS WHEN ONE SPOUSE LEAVES WITHOUT NOTICE AND DOES NOT INTEND TO RETURN. I hope everything is able to read all caps.

You are really going to compare going to care for a sick family member with some flighty woman that wants to go away for a month for some 'me time'? JFC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a lawyer? Because I think most people bring up abandonment in that context they are talking about that in a legal sense as something that has consequences in future proceedings not in an emotional sense. And you seem focused on arguing about the semantics around the word from an emotional perspective

Mental gymnastics team that has a huge presence on this forum. They will use it to justify affairs, abandonment, etc. It's truly mind-blowing. I imagine they are expert gaslighters at home.

[Anonymous]

HA! Ask my ex-husband about that. I sued for constructive abandonment after about 40 days. I got sole primary custody of the kids. I got the house. I got child support. This was in Virginia.

[Anonymous]

Pretty much in agreement with all the posts but yours, OP.

You really can’t see the difference in a parent needing to leave to tend to other responsibilities, but making an agreement with the other spouse about the children, vs. Making a unilateral decision that hire outta there (for no reason other than you don’t want to be there) and leaving your child as well?

[Anonymous]

I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad and pathetic that people can't be away for 30, 60, etc days without somebody categorizing it as "abandonment" whether it is for the courts or not.

Right before my friend's nervous breakdown she said, I wish I had an addiction so I could just go away for 30 days. Sometimes life is too much or relationships become hostile and a break is necessary and good.

People on here will cry "grow up" or "grow a pair" but I really wish people would take 30 days to work on themselves and come back better and stronger than be their normal miserable, broken self.

It’s fine if you have a spouse who agrees to take care of the home and your child while you’re gone. It’s fine to vacation separately. What’s not fine is to make the decision for yourself without thinking about the impact and implicit to the family. It’s not fine to just ditch things because they suck, rather than dealing with them.

And as for your friend, she could have gone away. Did she ask? FWIW, People with addictions don’t really go away willingly, and it’s not exactly a party to be away - they go away because it’s usually at the point of a life and death situation. They go away broken so they can come back better.

I agree that a break can be good, but OP uses to use their words and communicate that. Also, a break should not mean just dumpling your family responsibilities on the other parent - there should be equitable share of the work of parenting while on that break. It’s not just about the parent, it’s about the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HA! Ask my ex-husband about that. I sued for constructive abandonment after about 40 days. I got sole primary custody of the kids. I got the house. I got child support. This was in Virginia.

How did your ex-husband leave? Was it agreed upon or did he just leave with no intention of returning?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Per the other thread's post, the OP is asking how to bring up the issue of taking a month break from the marriage. This means she (or he) is not ABANDONING the house or marriage. Again, if the other spouse is okay with it, it's not abandonment. I used my scenario because technically from a "taking care of the house and kid" situation it's the same. One parent leaves the house for X weeks and leaves one parent at home with a kid to take care of.

In the end, the only way it's deemed abandonment is if the OP in the other thread DOES NOT PLAN ON RETURNING AND LEAVES WITHOUT NOTICE!!!

People want to skip over this very important statement.

[Anonymous]

INTENT.

It's all that matters. If force majeur, or a temporary familial or other emergency in which you must leave to help other loved ones, prevents you from caring for your child, then that is morally understandable and forgivable.

Abandoning your child "because you need some time to reflect on your marriage" is neglectful and any person who thinks this is fine is selfish.

Buck up and reflect at home, while paying attention to your child.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounded to me as if the OP on the other thread was going to walk out without any warning. Maybe not technically abandonment, but sucky thing to do. And I get it - you can leave the house for extended periods of time -- like for work, to care for family and friend when sick, etc. -- and not have "abandoned" the spouse and kid.

But the way the orginal OP presented it, it sounded as if she was just going to take off and her spouse didn't really know this was happening. And might not know until a day or two before!!

And it is a long time for a 9 year old to be without their parent. It just is.