Relationship with someone you’re not initially physically attracted to

[Anonymous]

Some women like to make things more complicated than they need to be.

A nice guy who I enjoyed being with but that I wasn't interested in sexually became my friend.


Nice guys who I also had a sexual interest in I pursued romantically and eventually one of them became my husband. Yes, I am more attracted to him and love him more now than when I met him, but I wouldn't advise women to just hope this will happen. Great for you if you are happy after 12 years or 30 years but I know far too many women who are miserable married to the guy who should have just remained a good friend.


I truly don't understand why this is so difficult for some women.

[Anonymous]

Op, why can't you just remain friends with him?



It's worth exploring why you feel you need to add sex/physical to your relationships with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not attracted to my first husband, but I wanted to get married. It got to the point that intimacy felt rapey. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Damn, I feel sorry for the man having to marry and put up with a garbage wife like you.

I had this same thought. Totally unfair to your first DH and selfish of you. Talk about a user. So, so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Nice. Start out with no physical intimacy, so there’s no transition.

Smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't attraction fade over time? I see all the threads of women saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands after a decade or more despite being attracted to them at one point. My DH is attractive but I have zero desire for sex. I would rather be married to someone kind and a good partner at this stage since the sexual part leaves the marriage for most couples over time.

Supposedly you always remember your partner as they were when you first met them. I'm 55, and met my DH when I was 25, and he's two years older. Would my 25 year old self have found the 57 year old version of DH attractive? Heck no, but when I look at him it's like I still see that 27 year old hot guy somewhere in there.

PP, why do you have zero desire for sex with your DH? Do you have zero desire for anyone? Is he a jerk in other ways that turns you off? A no sex marriage is a problem, even if everything else is supposedly great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

I was in a similar situation. Had a good male friend who I was SO compatible with, tons in common, really kind and caring guy, exactly what I wanted. Except, I was not attracted to him AT ALL.

Tried to make a relationship work but the chemistry and attraction just wasn't there. Sex is very important to me, and I couldn't stand being touched by him. It wasn't fair to lead him on, and honestly, if we had remained together I probably would have ended up cheating. I felt terrible because he was head over heels for me.

Good news is I found someone I'm just as compatible with AND wildly attracted to. So happy I didn't settle.

It's not superficial to want to be attracted to the person you'll be having sex with. If looks were the only thing you cared about, that would be shallow. As long as you have other criteria, you're good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some women like to make things more complicated than they need to be.

A nice guy who I enjoyed being with but that I wasn't interested in sexually became my friend.


Nice guys who I also had a sexual interest in I pursued romantically and eventually one of them became my husband. Yes, I am more attracted to him and love him more now than when I met him, but I wouldn't advise women to just hope this will happen. Great for you if you are happy after 12 years or 30 years but I know far too many women who are miserable married to the guy who should have just remained a good friend.


I truly don't understand why this is so difficult for some women.

Soooo true!!

[Anonymous]

OP checking in, wow this thread blew up. Some of the replies seem a little hasty tho, I’m not leading him on or playing games with him, because we aren’t dating. I am just now starting to notice him tho because I am naturally getting to know him better.

I found my ex so physically attractive in the beginning, I was willing to forego some of the things I shouldn’t have- and it ended up he couldn’t deliver at all in so many of the ways that are fundamental in a LTR/marriage. My fault. Towards the end, he was still extremely attractive, but I wasn’t attracted physically or emotionally…AT ALL. If he somehow could have gotten hotter, I still would not want him to lay a finger on me.

So…just observations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

And let me guess you're 30 something and desperate for the ring and babies.

Don't use this man.

In fairness I don’t think that women in this headspace realize that they are using the man until it is far too late then they are unhappily married. Life is not on a deadline for men the way it is for women and it distorts your thinking.

New poster. Wow.

To the OP:

All these posts referring to women "using" men -- please ignore. While that does happen, please don't let these PPs get into your head and make you think you're some awful person wanting to "use" this friend. Those implying it are making vast assumptions about you, and do not care to read what you've really said in your post.

The key to me is that you say, "I've noticed how much we have in common and how genuinely kind he is."

In other words, you're already far ahead of those here who see relationships as mostly, if not entirely, rooted in hot, wild initial physical attraction.

Of course it's possible to fall in love with someone who at first wasn't especially physically attractive to you; one can become attracted to the human being--not merely the body--first, and that can develop into romantic feelings and attraction.

You'll get heaps of posts here saying, sure, sure, but eventually you won't feel attraction after X years, you'll stop having sex, dead bed, divorce, etc. That is not some inevitability, though DCUM tends to claim it is. But on this forum there is little belief in love that is about anything deeper than sex.

You're waking up to a friend and seeing how he seems increasingly compatible with your interests, maybe your values too, your choices, etc., right? And you're paying attention now to how he treats other people (since you say you notice that he's kind.). This can be how love, deeper love, begins. Spend time with him, however that works in your friendship. Get to know him even better as a person. If you realize you "love him as a friend," you'll know. You really will. If you realize you feel romantic attraction to him -- you'll find yourself wanting to look at and touch him because his looks will have become attractive to you, as the looks of the whole person you love for reasons beyond mere initial "hotness."

I know this from experience, OP. Married 30 years. On the same page re: values, interests, humor, and yes, sex.

Abd the whole time your husband has been cheating on you with someone who finds him physically attractive.

It's not a problem I have but if my husband had not initially been attracted to me but grew attracted to me over time for whatever reason, I think that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only works for women in cases where they are not repulsed by a man. If they don't have strong feelings, they can eventually become attracted the more they get to know the person.
But there are women with very strong yes or no, and for them growing attraction is impossible.

As in, it doesn’t work for men?

Correct, it doesn't work for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only works for women in cases where they are not repulsed by a man. If they don't have strong feelings, they can eventually become attracted the more they get to know the person.
But there are women with very strong yes or no, and for them growing attraction is impossible.

As in, it doesn’t work for men?

Correct, it doesn't work for men.

Works for men if the woman in question has a glow up, which is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

And let me guess you're 30 something and desperate for the ring and babies.

Don't use this man.

In fairness I don’t think that women in this headspace realize that they are using the man until it is far too late then they are unhappily married. Life is not on a deadline for men the way it is for women and it distorts your thinking.

This is true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only works for women in cases where they are not repulsed by a man. If they don't have strong feelings, they can eventually become attracted the more they get to know the person.
But there are women with very strong yes or no, and for them growing attraction is impossible.

As in, it doesn’t work for men?

Correct, it doesn't work for men.

Works for men if the woman in question has a glow up, which is not uncommon.

Lol. Somebody watched too many Hallmark Christmas movies over break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only works for women in cases where they are not repulsed by a man. If they don't have strong feelings, they can eventually become attracted the more they get to know the person.
But there are women with very strong yes or no, and for them growing attraction is impossible.

As in, it doesn’t work for men?

Correct, it doesn't work for men.

Works for men if the woman in question has a glow up, which is not uncommon.

Very rare, I personally don't have any examples of this happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only works for women in cases where they are not repulsed by a man. If they don't have strong feelings, they can eventually become attracted the more they get to know the person.
But there are women with very strong yes or no, and for them growing attraction is impossible.

As in, it doesn’t work for men?

Correct, it doesn't work for men.

Works for men if the woman in question has a glow up, which is not uncommon.

Very rare, I personally don't have any examples of this happening.

Seriously? I thought basically every woman, except the most popular girls in high school, have a glow-up. I look way better at 38 than I did at 20, just thanks to slightly better makeup techniques, learning how to style my hair, having more money to dress nicely, and general confidence. And I’m not saying I’m spectacularly attractive, just that I wasn’t attractive before.