Relationship with someone you’re not initially physically attracted to

[Anonymous]

Doesn't attraction fade over time? I see all the threads of women saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands after a decade or more despite being attracted to them at one point. My DH is attractive but I have zero desire for sex. I would rather be married to someone kind and a good partner at this stage since the sexual part leaves the marriage for most couples over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious,

Why do women do this? What is going through your mind when you are having sex with a guy you aren’t attracted to? It’s an alien concept to me.

I have been dating and most men want something casual or are bad at communicating. I just had a date with a guy who is not my usual type and He’s very nice, communicates well, and is very smitten with me. He would be good to me and seems emotionally available. So I feel
I should give him a chance, but I can’t picture having sex with him… Had a date two days later with a guy who I have great chemistry with but he’s not emotionally available and know it’s not going anywhere So the choices are, the unsexy good guy, the sexy bad boy, or being alone hoping you find a unicorn. Women keep seeing the nice, but not sexy guys in the hopes attraction will grow but it never does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

I did this. Have now been very happily married for 12 years. DH fits every single thing I’m looking for except for looks, and in the end, that one factor wasn’t worth throwing everything else away.

Does your DH know you don't find him physically attractive?

NP… typically, men don’t get more attractive over the years… they get pudgier, balder, more wrinkly, etc.

Foregoing a man’s attractiveness if they fit all the other criteria is not the dumbest choice in the world I think.

That doesn't really answer my question now does it. Maybe you and pp would be fine knowing your spouse doesn't and never did find you attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't attraction fade over time? I see all the threads of women saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands after a decade or more despite being attracted to them at one point. My DH is attractive but I have zero desire for sex. I would rather be married to someone kind and a good partner at this stage since the sexual part leaves the marriage for most couples over time.

Perhaps they feel this but because they took your approach and married someone they were never attracted to but convinced themselves they were so they could check wife and mom off their list now that they have the kit they stop faking attraction.

Further please stop with the complete crap that you can't marry a good and kind man who you are attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Such an interesting thread. This came up in a conversation recently among me and some friends (all same-sex attracted females)
Our one friend seemed to have experience (or hope?) that physical attraction can grow or appear after getting to know someone.
My other friend and I have pretty much always either found someone attractive off the bat, or not. We both agreed that initial attraction can fade if while getting to know someone we find something unattractive about their personality or something very incompatible.
I’ve been with men before, and while I realized later in life that men would never do it for me the way women do, I could NEVER do it with a man I found unattractive or repulsive, no matter how rich or “interesting” he was. Pretty sure the same goes with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such an interesting thread. This came up in a conversation recently among me and some friends (all same-sex attracted females)
Our one friend seemed to have experience (or hope?) that physical attraction can grow or appear after getting to know someone.
My other friend and I have pretty much always either found someone attractive off the bat, or not. We both agreed that initial attraction can fade if while getting to know someone we find something unattractive about their personality or something very incompatible.
I’ve been with men before, and while I realized later in life that men would never do it for me the way women do, I could NEVER do it with a man I found unattractive or repulsive, no matter how rich or “interesting” he was. Pretty sure the same goes with women.

Have you (or your friends) been in long relationships? Do you still have frequent and passionate sex? I have read lesbian relationships have an even steeper drop off in sex than straight couples

Point being, while I get that attraction is important and especially at early stages of the relationship, over time most couples dwindle to infrequent to no sex despite early, insatiable attraction.

[Anonymous]

Friend married someone objectively unattractive heavy balding but nice wealthy good husband and father and I’m pretty sure she makes love to his money happily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such an interesting thread. This came up in a conversation recently among me and some friends (all same-sex attracted females)
Our one friend seemed to have experience (or hope?) that physical attraction can grow or appear after getting to know someone.
My other friend and I have pretty much always either found someone attractive off the bat, or not. We both agreed that initial attraction can fade if while getting to know someone we find something unattractive about their personality or something very incompatible.
I’ve been with men before, and while I realized later in life that men would never do it for me the way women do, I could NEVER do it with a man I found unattractive or repulsive, no matter how rich or “interesting” he was. Pretty sure the same goes with women.

Have you (or your friends) been in long relationships? Do you still have frequent and passionate sex? I have read lesbian relationships have an even steeper drop off in sex than straight couples

Point being, while I get that attraction is important and especially at early stages of the relationship, over time most couples dwindle to infrequent to no sex despite early, insatiable attraction.

Fair question. Our one friend who thinks it can grow over time has been in a many-years long relationship with another woman which subsequently ended when her partner left for someone else. My other friend has not been in what I would call a long relationship. Since I quit men I only had one relationship with a woman; it lasted about one year, I was still very attracted to her when we broke up. But yes this is something I fear, if I’m ever able to get into a committed LTR with a woman. The more lesbians I meet, the more it seems to be that LTRs are very, very hard to maintain with both partners fully into it. Getting older isn’t helping things either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious,

Why do women do this? What is going through your mind when you are having sex with a guy you aren’t attracted to? It’s an alien concept to me.

Wanting to barf.

[Anonymous]

People be careful about attraction. For a life time partner you need to be attracted to more important qualities. Do they have good morals? Will they weather out a storm in life instead of bailing. Are they responsible, and will make for a good parent?

I get you need to be attracted to a certain point, but honestly looks fade for most around 40-50. You have to have a lot more than "good looks". A lot of beautiful on the outside people are single for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious,

Why do women do this? What is going through your mind when you are having sex with a guy you aren’t attracted to? It’s an alien concept to me.

Wanting to barf.

I would imagine when having unwanted sex it's much like any other chore. A responsibility that must be done before the real fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

And let me guess you're 30 something and desperate for the ring and babies.

Don't use this man.

In fairness I don’t think that women in this headspace realize that they are using the man until it is far too late then they are unhappily married. Life is not on a deadline for men the way it is for women and it distorts your thinking.

New poster. Wow.

To the OP:

All these posts referring to women "using" men -- please ignore. While that does happen, please don't let these PPs get into your head and make you think you're some awful person wanting to "use" this friend. Those implying it are making vast assumptions about you, and do not care to read what you've really said in your post.

The key to me is that you say, "I've noticed how much we have in common and how genuinely kind he is."

In other words, you're already far ahead of those here who see relationships as mostly, if not entirely, rooted in hot, wild initial physical attraction.

Of course it's possible to fall in love with someone who at first wasn't especially physically attractive to you; one can become attracted to the human being--not merely the body--first, and that can develop into romantic feelings and attraction.

You'll get heaps of posts here saying, sure, sure, but eventually you won't feel attraction after X years, you'll stop having sex, dead bed, divorce, etc. That is not some inevitability, though DCUM tends to claim it is. But on this forum there is little belief in love that is about anything deeper than sex.

You're waking up to a friend and seeing how he seems increasingly compatible with your interests, maybe your values too, your choices, etc., right? And you're paying attention now to how he treats other people (since you say you notice that he's kind.). This can be how love, deeper love, begins. Spend time with him, however that works in your friendship. Get to know him even better as a person. If you realize you "love him as a friend," you'll know. You really will. If you realize you feel romantic attraction to him -- you'll find yourself wanting to look at and touch him because his looks will have become attractive to you, as the looks of the whole person you love for reasons beyond mere initial "hotness."

I know this from experience, OP. Married 30 years. On the same page re: values, interests, humor, and yes, sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

I did this. Have now been very happily married for 12 years. DH fits every single thing I’m looking for except for looks, and in the end, that one factor wasn’t worth throwing everything else away.

Does your DH know you don't find him physically attractive?

NP… typically, men don’t get more attractive over the years… they get pudgier, balder, more wrinkly, etc.

Foregoing a man’s attractiveness if they fit all the other criteria is not the dumbest choice in the world I think.

That doesn't really answer my question now does it. Maybe you and pp would be fine knowing your spouse doesn't and never did find you attractive.

Your straw man doesn’t really answer the question.

Attraction can grow if you are attracted to something about the person- not just their appearance, but their intelligence, sense of humor, kindness, even something like athleticism. I am more attracted to my husband now than I have ever been- not because his body is more attractive to me, but because he is kind, intelligent, a good father, a good friend, a giving lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

I did this. Have now been very happily married for 12 years. DH fits every single thing I’m looking for except for looks, and in the end, that one factor wasn’t worth throwing everything else away.

Does your DH know you don't find him physically attractive?

NP… typically, men don’t get more attractive over the years… they get pudgier, balder, more wrinkly, etc.

Foregoing a man’s attractiveness if they fit all the other criteria is not the dumbest choice in the world I think.

That doesn't really answer my question now does it. Maybe you and pp would be fine knowing your spouse doesn't and never did find you attractive.

Your straw man doesn’t really answer the question.

Attraction can grow if you are attracted to something about the person- not just their appearance, but their intelligence, sense of humor, kindness, even something like athleticism. I am more attracted to my husband now than I have ever been- not because his body is more attractive to me, but because he is kind, intelligent, a good father, a good friend, a giving lover.

It's not a strawman though, you would be upset to learn your husband never thought you were attractive and essentially just married you because you were available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. Have a friend of a friend I’m increasingly running in circles with- never paid much attention to him before, but as we see each other more, I’ve noticed how much we have in common and genuinely kind he is- so I’m just noticing him more. He’s not ugly, just not my type, but wondering if maybe I have been too superficial in the past.

And let me guess you're 30 something and desperate for the ring and babies.

Don't use this man.

In fairness I don’t think that women in this headspace realize that they are using the man until it is far too late then they are unhappily married. Life is not on a deadline for men the way it is for women and it distorts your thinking.

New poster. Wow.

To the OP:

All these posts referring to women "using" men -- please ignore. While that does happen, please don't let these PPs get into your head and make you think you're some awful person wanting to "use" this friend. Those implying it are making vast assumptions about you, and do not care to read what you've really said in your post.

The key to me is that you say, "I've noticed how much we have in common and how genuinely kind he is."

In other words, you're already far ahead of those here who see relationships as mostly, if not entirely, rooted in hot, wild initial physical attraction.

Of course it's possible to fall in love with someone who at first wasn't especially physically attractive to you; one can become attracted to the human being--not merely the body--first, and that can develop into romantic feelings and attraction.

You'll get heaps of posts here saying, sure, sure, but eventually you won't feel attraction after X years, you'll stop having sex, dead bed, divorce, etc. That is not some inevitability, though DCUM tends to claim it is. But on this forum there is little belief in love that is about anything deeper than sex.

You're waking up to a friend and seeing how he seems increasingly compatible with your interests, maybe your values too, your choices, etc., right? And you're paying attention now to how he treats other people (since you say you notice that he's kind.). This can be how love, deeper love, begins. Spend time with him, however that works in your friendship. Get to know him even better as a person. If you realize you "love him as a friend," you'll know. You really will. If you realize you feel romantic attraction to him -- you'll find yourself wanting to look at and touch him because his looks will have become attractive to you, as the looks of the whole person you love for reasons beyond mere initial "hotness."

I know this from experience, OP. Married 30 years. On the same page re: values, interests, humor, and yes, sex.

Abd the whole time your husband has been cheating on you with someone who finds him physically attractive.