Fracture in friendship group

[Anonymous]

I think she is asking a lot of you to end the group for her. Let some time pass. The group might be over anyway.

[Anonymous]

Only one person in this group gossips? I don’t believe that. The group is ending.

[Anonymous]

How did the person gossiped about find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she is asking a lot of you to end the group for her. Let some time pass. The group might be over anyway.

The fact that the woman won't want to be friends with OP if she's still friends with the gossiper doesn't mean she's asking her to end the friend group. She is just clearly stating her own choices. OP doesn't want to accept that, that is the problem. Actions have consequences. I have been the gossiper and the gossipee at different points in my life and these things are hard but at the end of the day everyone gets to decide who they want to be friends with. Even if the reasons don't make sense to you.

[Anonymous]

What was the possibly untrue (i.e., potentially made up) part of the gossip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.

+1. I have discussed issues involving kids in a friend group when the behavior of a certain child is impacting my kids. In my wider neighborhood friend group there is a child my sons age who was severely isolated during COVID and has exhibited extremely disturbing behavior since beginning to socialize again. The child’s parents ignore it, but others have discussed because we don’t want our kids around that child very often. We need more context here.

And I’m sorry, but since the time I’ve been in elementary school I have never been apart of a friend group where there wasn’t some form of gossip.

+2

I have discussed other friends with mutual friends when either there’s been an issue with how our kids interact, someone’s spouse has been weird/jerky, or we’re legitimately concerned for a friend who is struggling and trying to come up with a way to help her.

Broadly speaking a friend's weight gain is not your business. If you are genuinely concerned about it bring it up to the frien, not the group. It's not hard.

You also know that this wasn't out of concern but just idle gossip which is likely what you engaged in.

It may be common but it doesn't make it right . People like you and OP are why I have very few female
Friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only one person in this group gossips? I don’t believe that. The group is ending.

I agree, because there's at least one person who gossips and one person who shares gossip with the target -- otherwise, the woman wouldn't have known about it. So you've got a gossiper and a pot-stirrer, and that's pretty toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only one person in this group gossips? I don’t believe that. The group is ending.

I agree, because there's at least one person who gossips and one person who shares gossip with the target -- otherwise, the woman wouldn't have known about it. So you've got a gossiper and a pot-stirrer, and that's pretty toxic.

This.

And the person who shares gossip with the target is the bigger problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only one person in this group gossips? I don’t believe that. The group is ending.

I agree, because there's at least one person who gossips and one person who shares gossip with the target -- otherwise, the woman wouldn't have known about it. So you've got a gossiper and a pot-stirrer, and that's pretty toxic.

This.

And the person who shares gossip with the target is the bigger problem here.

+1 In this situation where I thought someone's gossiping was crossing the line, I stopped spending time with them, but I didn't tell the person they gossiped about (beyond something like "she's been so negative lately" if asked.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.

+1. I have discussed issues involving kids in a friend group when the behavior of a certain child is impacting my kids. In my wider neighborhood friend group there is a child my sons age who was severely isolated during COVID and has exhibited extremely disturbing behavior since beginning to socialize again. The child’s parents ignore it, but others have discussed because we don’t want our kids around that child very often. We need more context here.

And I’m sorry, but since the time I’ve been in elementary school I have never been apart of a friend group where there wasn’t some form of gossip.

+2

I have discussed other friends with mutual friends when either there’s been an issue with how our kids interact, someone’s spouse has been weird/jerky, or we’re legitimately concerned for a friend who is struggling and trying to come up with a way to help her.

Broadly speaking a friend's weight gain is not your business. If you are genuinely concerned about it bring it up to the frien, not the group. It's not hard.

You also know that this wasn't out of concern but just idle gossip which is likely what you engaged in.

It may be common but it doesn't make it right . People like you and OP are why I have very few female
Friends

The bolded is one of the most frustrating aspects of this kind of situation. I really hate when people try to pass off gossip as "concern" for the person they are talking about. I'd actually rather deal with someone who will admit what they are doing, even though as a general rule I just don't befriend people who like to gossip because I find it corrodes relationships eventually no matter what.

But I've had a few friends over the years who I've told this to ("Sorry, I don't like gossip -- can we talk about something else?") and they will try to explain that actually they are just "concerned" about whoever it is and need to discuss it. Nope. I know what actual concern for a friend sounds like, and it never includes wild speculation, judgment, or schadenfreude. But gossip does! Which is why gossip sucks. Just admit you're a gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only one person in this group gossips? I don’t believe that. The group is ending.

I agree, because there's at least one person who gossips and one person who shares gossip with the target -- otherwise, the woman wouldn't have known about it. So you've got a gossiper and a pot-stirrer, and that's pretty toxic.

I agree with this in general but would want to know the details of how the friend who was gossiped about found out. I actually think it can be equally toxic when some people in a group gossip about another member when she isn't around, but never tell her. It sounds like it won't be a problem, but IME what happens is the gossip impacts who people view the gossiped-about person and subtly alters dynamics in ways that infect relationships. I guess it depends on the gossip and how often it happens, but you don't even need a "pot stirrer" for this to get toxic. All it takes is the one friend who wants to talk badly about another behind her back, and the whole dynamic kind of sucks.

There are specific situations in which I think the kindest thing to do in the situation is to tell someone that things are being said about them that are true or flattering. But you have to know when you do it that the group is done, and be okay with it. It sounds like the problem here is that there are people who thought (1) they could talk about a "friend" behind her back without it causing issues, and (2) TELL her about it without her getting upset. That's just dumb. Everything has consequences. You don't get to do whatever hurtful thing you want and expect zero blowback -- that's psycho.