Reply to Fracture in friendship group

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.[/quote]

+1. I have discussed issues involving kids in a friend group when the behavior of a certain child is impacting my kids. In my wider neighborhood friend group there is a child my sons age who was severely isolated during COVID and has exhibited extremely disturbing behavior since beginning to socialize again. The child’s parents ignore it, but others have discussed because we don’t want our kids around that child very often. We need more context here.

And I’m sorry, but since the time I’ve been in elementary school I have never been apart of a friend group where there wasn’t some form of gossip. [/quote]

I have discussed other friends with mutual friends when either there’s been an issue with how our kids interact, someone’s spouse has been weird/jerky, or we’re legitimately concerned for a friend who is struggling and trying to come up with a way to help her. [/quote]

Broadly speaking a friend's weight gain  is not your business. If you are genuinely concerned about it bring it up to the frien, not  the group. It's not  hard.

[b]You also know that this wasn't out of concern but just idle gossip which is likely what you engaged in.[/b]

It may be common but it doesn't make it right . People like you and OP are why I have very few female 
Friends[/quote]

The bolded is one of the most frustrating aspects of this kind of situation. I really hate when people try to pass off gossip as "concern" for the person they are talking about. I'd actually rather deal with someone who will admit what they are doing, even though as a general rule I just don't befriend people who like to gossip because I find it corrodes relationships eventually no matter what.

But I've had a few friends over the years who I've told this to ("Sorry, I don't like gossip -- can we talk about something else?") and they will try to explain that actually they are just "concerned" about whoever it is and need to discuss it. Nope. I know what actual concern for a friend sounds like, and it never includes wild speculation, judgment, or schadenfreude. But gossip does! Which is why gossip sucks. Just admit you're a gossip.[/quote]

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