Fracture in friendship group

[Anonymous]

The gossiper sounds stupid. Why point out the obvious? The fat person knows they're fat. Everyone who sees them knows they're fat. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just continue on without announcing anything to anyone. If the friend asks why you are still friends with the gossiper, then just explain as you did here. She may, even is likely to, stop being friends with you as well, but that is her right.

Yes, explain to your friend that you don't care that this other person hurt her, and what she said was half true anyway. Tell her she should be more mature like you and accept that people will say bad things behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just continue on without announcing anything to anyone. If the friend asks why you are still friends with the gossiper, then just explain as you did here. She may, even is likely to, stop being friends with you as well, but that is her right.

I’m curious if others think this is a reasonable reaction? i.e. if you would expect everyone in the group to choose between you and the gossiper?

[Anonymous]

If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a part of a mom group of 5. We’ve been friends for years and have always gotten along great. Recently one of the moms gossiped about another mom. The mom who was gossiped about is angry and won’t come to group gatherings anymore. She is the mom I’m closest to. I feel there is an unspoken expectation that I stop talking to the gossiper, however I’d like to remain friends with everyone. How would you approach this?

Clearly you aren't that close to her if you don't care that the gossiper hurt her and are semi defending the gossiper and I ready to drop this friend to stay in the group. Typical mean girl BS.the mom who was gossiped about will be better off without the rest of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

+1. Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

I think it’s selfish to expect everyone to end years of friendship over minor gossip. Our children all play together and are close. So their memories and bonds should be disrupted because someone mentioned someone else gained weight? That’s immature in my opinion. It’s fine to bow out of the friendship if you are that offended, but to dictate that everyone else must do the same is ridiculous. It’s not like she slept with her husband or assaulted her or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

I think it’s selfish to expect everyone to end years of friendship over minor gossip. Our children all play together and are close. So their memories and bonds should be disrupted because someone mentioned someone else gained weight? That’s immature in my opinion. It’s fine to bow out of the friendship if you are that offended, but to dictate that everyone else must do the same is ridiculous. It’s not like she slept with her husband or assaulted her or something.

Keep that energy when she says something nasty about you, OP and she will, maybe even one of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, when two in a group of five have a falling out, the group ends. It is over.

I am in a friend group of 5 and one of the woman and I had a falling out. I tried to remain neutral and civil. After Covid happened, the friend group has ended. If I never saw the ex friend again, I would be fine. I have hung out with 2 of the other friends separately during Covid. One woman has stayed to herself all through Covid.

Sometimes I think I ruined the friend group but maybe it was just Covid and kids’ ages. We all met when the kids were babies. Now our kids are 7-12 years old and don’t even think of one another since they have made their own friends. All the kids ages and sexes vary. All go to different schools and have different interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the mom who was gossiped about find out? In any case, I would just be pleasantly neutral, shrug and give a non-answer if it comes up, or tell the person making the comment that you wish they would just talk to the other woman directly. Do not engage in any gossip including telling others that they were gossiped about (unless the comments are ongoing and meanspirited, in which case I wouldn't hang out with the people making the comments anymore).

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The gossip was half true. The other half I don’t know whether it was true or not. Let’s say it’s equal to saying someone is overweight behind their back, and they are in fact overweight. I feel my friend is entitled to be upset and not want to be friends with the gossiper. Personally as I get older, the less I care about stuff like this and just take the good with the bad. So I feel no need to end my years long friendship with the gossiper because I don’t care if she says bad things about me behind my back. People are human nobody’s perfect. But the mom who was gossiped about is very upset with the gossiper and the friend in the group who listened to the gossip. I’m just not sure if I should be upfront and say, hey I get your upset but FYI, I have plans to attend to continue being friends with everyone involved, and hangout with you all separately.

This is all perfectly fine for you, OP, but I have another take on this.

The older I get, the less energy I have for people who aren’t kind to me. So if a so-called friend talked sh!t about my appearance (and definitely if they told unflattering lies about me), I’m thinking “I do not want to expend anymore of my time or energy on someone who treats me this way.” Why? I have friends and family who don’t go that crap. I’d rather focus my energy on them.

So if this happened in my friend group, I would be upset with the gossiper. Because she created this problem. Personally, I think it’s on her to fix it (apologize, set the record straight, etc.). Otherwise, I think the group is a bust because while you might want to stay friends with everyone, you friend who was hurt is likely thinking that maybe you guys aren’t even actually her friends. If you and the others value the group, you have to repair the broken trust or accept that the group is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The gossip was half true. The other half I don’t know whether it was true or not. Let’s say it’s equal to saying someone is overweight behind their back, and they are in fact overweight. I feel my friend is entitled to be upset and not want to be friends with the gossiper. Personally as I get older, the less I care about stuff like this and just take the good with the bad. So I feel no need to end my years long friendship with the gossiper because I don’t care if she says bad things about me behind my back. People are human nobody’s perfect. But the mom who was gossiped about is very upset with the gossiper and the friend in the group who listened to the gossip. I’m just not sure if I should be upfront and say, hey I get your upset but FYI, I have plans to attend to continue being friends with everyone involved, and hangout with you all separately.

You are a terrible friend. So you support gossip amongst friends, and you defriend the victims?

[Anonymous]

I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

I think it’s selfish to expect everyone to end years of friendship over minor gossip. Our children all play together and are close. So their memories and bonds should be disrupted because someone mentioned someone else gained weight? That’s immature in my opinion. It’s fine to bow out of the friendship if you are that offended, but to dictate that everyone else must do the same is ridiculous. It’s not like she slept with her husband or assaulted her or something.

No, their “memories and bonds” are being disrupted because one of the women in this group is a jerk and a bad friend. As for maturity, it’s unbelievably immature to gossip about someone in your close friend group. I’m with the PP who has less tolerance for poor treatment by friends as they get older. Believe it or not, plenty of us manage to be flawed humans without trashing our friends to each other.