Fracture in friendship group

[Anonymous]

This friend group is falling apart like the Titanic. All the signs point to it (the fact that it is a mom group, age of group, one long time friend bad mouthing another, wishy-washy bystander members.)

Enjoy it while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.

+1. I have discussed issues involving kids in a friend group when the behavior of a certain child is impacting my kids. In my wider neighborhood friend group there is a child my sons age who was severely isolated during COVID and has exhibited extremely disturbing behavior since beginning to socialize again. The child’s parents ignore it, but others have discussed because we don’t want our kids around that child very often. We need more context here.

And I’m sorry, but since the time I’ve been in elementary school I have never been apart of a friend group where there wasn’t some form of gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a part of a mom group of 5. We’ve been friends for years and have always gotten along great. Recently one of the moms gossiped about another mom. The mom who was gossiped about is angry and won’t come to group gatherings anymore. She is the mom I’m closest to. I feel there is an unspoken expectation that I stop talking to the gossiper, however I’d like to remain friends with everyone. How would you approach this?

How bad/untrue was the gossip? If someone was talking sh*t about my kids/parenting I would no longer consider that person a friend. Almost anything else I think it’s silly to end a friendship over. I guess I am saying it depends if you think she is over reacting. If the gossip was very malicious that mom is probably talking nasty about the rest of you too and it’s not that much of a loss.

+1 If a mother spoke poorly of me or talked sh*t about my family why would I want to hang with the group? Who wants to hang with negativity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re willing to continue to hang out with a woman who gossiped about someone you consider you’re “closest” to, then you’re a bad friend.

I think it’s selfish to expect everyone to end years of friendship over minor gossip. Our children all play together and are close. So their memories and bonds should be disrupted because someone mentioned someone else gained weight? That’s immature in my opinion. It’s fine to bow out of the friendship if you are that offended, but to dictate that everyone else must do the same is ridiculous. It’s not like she slept with her husband or assaulted her or something.

Keep that energy when she says something nasty about you, OP and she will, maybe even one of your kids.

Yup! Wait until it’s your turn on the gossip train. You’re next loser.

[Anonymous]

OP everyone here gets to make their own choices. You just get to make your own and accept the others with grace.

You can choose to still be friends with the gossiper. The gossiper can choose how to act. But your other friend is perfectly within her rights to not want to be friends with someone who talked meanly about her or be friends with others who felt that was no big deal. You aren’t owed some ideal situation where someone has to be friends with people who make her uncomfortable just because you want everyone to just get along. Make your choice, accept the potential consequences and move on.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been gossiped about in a situation like this, I only have advice for your friend: run! These women don’t care about you. People who gossip about you definitely don’t care about you (you knew that). And people OP are almost worse, because she’ll tell you to your face that she thinks what the gossiper did was wrong and that you are important to her, but then she’ll tell the gossiper that she thinks you’re overreacting. That’s how people who “just want to be friends with everyone” are. She’ll claim she just wants to stay out of it and “hates drama” but if she really hated drama she’d call out her gossipy friend for creating it! Really she’s just lazy and doesn’t want to have put any effort in here— she wants the play dates and girls nights to continue as before and it doesn’t matter to her that you would feel uncomfortable socializing with the gossip. That’s your problem.

So just go, these women aren’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

You’re a friend? What if your great friend is gaining weight from a medical issue? OP, you are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d need to know the exact comment. Saying that someone gained weight when it’s “at least half true” is still mean unless it’s to try to help them in some way (like Larla gained a lot of weight and I’m concerned, should we try walking in the park to be more active as a group). But commenting that their kid is poorly behaved or something like that when it’s true and that clearly affects the rest of the group is different. That’s not mean, it’s a valid thing to discuss.

+1. I have discussed issues involving kids in a friend group when the behavior of a certain child is impacting my kids. In my wider neighborhood friend group there is a child my sons age who was severely isolated during COVID and has exhibited extremely disturbing behavior since beginning to socialize again. The child’s parents ignore it, but others have discussed because we don’t want our kids around that child very often. We need more context here.

And I’m sorry, but since the time I’ve been in elementary school I have never been apart of a friend group where there wasn’t some form of gossip.

+2

I have discussed other friends with mutual friends when either there’s been an issue with how our kids interact, someone’s spouse has been weird/jerky, or we’re legitimately concerned for a friend who is struggling and trying to come up with a way to help her.

[Anonymous]

This is a classic example of the lack of loyalty with American women.

[Anonymous]

After reading enough of these threads, I have gone to the conclusion that there are two types of women: those who think gossip is bad and those who think gossip is inevitable.

I’m in the “it’s bad” camp. I don’t find it hard not to gossip, and doing it generally makes me feel yucky so I just don’t. I also think gossip is generally a sign of other issues. People don’t tend to gossip about someone they really like and feel a lot if loyalty to. They gossip about people they already dislike or who they consider a bit of an outsider in some way. Gossip just brings out those dynamic. A gossipy friend group isn’t really a group of friends. There’s something else going on causing the schisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading enough of these threads, I have gone to the conclusion that there are two types of women: those who think gossip is bad and those who think gossip is inevitable.

I’m in the “it’s bad” camp. I don’t find it hard not to gossip, and doing it generally makes me feel yucky so I just don’t. I also think gossip is generally a sign of other issues. People don’t tend to gossip about someone they really like and feel a lot if loyalty to. They gossip about people they already dislike or who they consider a bit of an outsider in some way. Gossip just brings out those dynamic. A gossipy friend group isn’t really a group of friends. There’s something else going on causing the schisms.

+1 I used to think gossip was really fun but noticed I started to think about what people might be saying about me a LOT. Now that I have kids I really really try not to gossip about individuals - talking about institutions or schools or something is different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading enough of these threads, I have gone to the conclusion that there are two types of women: those who think gossip is bad and those who think gossip is inevitable.

I’m in the “it’s bad” camp. I don’t find it hard not to gossip, and doing it generally makes me feel yucky so I just don’t. I also think gossip is generally a sign of other issues. People don’t tend to gossip about someone they really like and feel a lot if loyalty to. They gossip about people they already dislike or who they consider a bit of an outsider in some way. Gossip just brings out those dynamic. A gossipy friend group isn’t really a group of friends. There’s something else going on causing the schisms.

+1 I used to think gossip was really fun but noticed I started to think about what people might be saying about me a LOT. Now that I have kids I really really try not to gossip about individuals - talking about institutions or schools or something is different

Agreed. I also feel like I should point out that it doesn’t mean you can never talk about other people. My DH and I air our thoughts and feelings about everyone we know to each other all the time, including all the judgmental stuff that we think but know we shouldn’t share with friends or colleagues. The difference is that those conversations never leak into the rest of the world, and we also both understand that a lot if what we are saying in these conversations is blowing off steam and doesn’t even reflect how we feel about other people.

But doing this with some members of a friend group, about others, is tacky and hurtful. People need to learn when it’s okay to say this stuff and when it’s not. Gossip shared with my spouse goes in a vault. Gossip like OP is talking about almost feels like it was intended to get back to the subject of the gossip.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line, this is not a friend group. This is a pathetic excuse of what friends represent. All the crazy madness of the world right now and you find it suitable to breakdown a friend during these hard times is all you need to know about the company you keep. Find better friends, your fat friend is better off without the fakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading enough of these threads, I have gone to the conclusion that there are two types of women: those who think gossip is bad and those who think gossip is inevitable.

I’m in the “it’s bad” camp. I don’t find it hard not to gossip, and doing it generally makes me feel yucky so I just don’t. I also think gossip is generally a sign of other issues. People don’t tend to gossip about someone they really like and feel a lot if loyalty to. They gossip about people they already dislike or who they consider a bit of an outsider in some way. Gossip just brings out those dynamic. A gossipy friend group isn’t really a group of friends. There’s something else going on causing the schisms.

+1 I used to think gossip was really fun but noticed I started to think about what people might be saying about me a LOT. Now that I have kids I really really try not to gossip about individuals - talking about institutions or schools or something is different

I think gossip is both bad and inevitable. If the gossiper is constantly at it, I wouldn't want to hang out with them, but I'm not going to cut people off for one snide comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading enough of these threads, I have gone to the conclusion that there are two types of women: those who think gossip is bad and those who think gossip is inevitable.

I’m in the “it’s bad” camp. I don’t find it hard not to gossip, and doing it generally makes me feel yucky so I just don’t. I also think gossip is generally a sign of other issues. People don’t tend to gossip about someone they really like and feel a lot if loyalty to. They gossip about people they already dislike or who they consider a bit of an outsider in some way. Gossip just brings out those dynamic. A gossipy friend group isn’t really a group of friends. There’s something else going on causing the schisms.

+1 I used to think gossip was really fun but noticed I started to think about what people might be saying about me a LOT. Now that I have kids I really really try not to gossip about individuals - talking about institutions or schools or something is different

I think gossip is both bad and inevitable. If the gossiper is constantly at it, I wouldn't want to hang out with them, but I'm not going to cut people off for one snide comment.

I doubt it’s one comment. Gossip usually expands at all parties. Why don’t the friends cut off the people creating the toxic environment? Clearly she needs a reality check.