What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Makes sense that you're single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

It sounds like you don't do any of the mental work in your family, and that's concerning. Go ask what your spouse what "mental load" means. He/she will probably give you an earful.

[Anonymous]

Mental load is why men have affairs to take care of their physical load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental load is why men have affairs to take care of their physical load

Okay the accuracy of this statement….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Makes sense that you're single.

My dad was the one who did all of this growing up, and my parents weren't divorced. The mental load is hard for anyone to take on by themselves. That being said, DCUM people men and women tend to overcomplicate some tasks and so make it harder for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

It's OK that you don't have a master's degree or higher.

Oh please. Most of the most educated men on earth don’t understand this. Doing so would require letting go of defensiveness, which they refuse to do.

If someone thinks this phrase is a "DCUM term," it is because they are under-educated or they literally never read magazines, newspapers, journals, or watch the news.

Perhaps, but I think it’s because they studiously avoid or scoff at anything that makes them feel like they’re not a “good guy.”

[Anonymous]

It’s weakness, OP. And a desperate need to be the martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

[phone]

I think they just want to complain and moan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Makes sense that you're single.

My wife died. That made no sense at all. What would prompt you to say something so nasty? Are you an unhappy person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

I am dying with the mental load right now, it's almost Christmas, the kids will be out of school in 3 days, I'm applying for jobs, etc...we need to buy a house in the next few months. I. mean, this is a lot to carry and on top of the daily grind of laundry, cleaning, food on the table, etc... Oh and don't forget trying to stay happy and emotionally regulated on top of all this. Today my DH said he was going to do something I categorize as "fun" and it's like we live on 2 different planets at times. He is much better at compartmentalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Makes sense that you're single.

My wife died. That made no sense at all. What would prompt you to say something so nasty? Are you an unhappy person?

Sir, I am sorry your wife died. But judging people who are struggling by minimizing their burden is an unkind thing to say. To sum, you started it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Makes sense that you're single.

My wife died. That made no sense at all. What would prompt you to say something so nasty? Are you an unhappy person?

NP here. I’m sorry for that but you were really dismissive and nasty and PP’s point stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Revolutions take generations. This isnt technology. Its people and expectations. Standards are still kept at SAH level for most working moms. Technology has made household tasks less time-consuming but these inventions existed when moms were generally not in the workforce. There isnt much of a difference from doing laundry in 1960s to now. The load may be washed and dried faster but the work to collect, start, switch over, fold, and put away is the same. When people come to my house they dont say oh the dog hair on the steps is okay because they both work out of the home. My husband doesnt even see it. He was raised by someone who let him practice manipulative ignorance. If I dont do a job well then I dont have to do it. His mother didnt say do the job until you can do it well. The job and its outcome are not negotiable. A toilet cannot be half clean. It is either clean or dirty. Most men get participation trophies for household-related tasks. Most. There are some All Stars that actually run the bases and do the work but its rare and they dont have to be as well-rounded as women tend to be expected to be. Women have to pitch, catch, bat, run the bases, play outfield, cheer from the dugout, etc.

My great grandmother cleaned out her washing machine after every load. That was passed down and surprisingly, my grandmother, a woman who stayed at home her whole life, still continued to think it was a primarily a woman's job. So you know who was taught to do that- all us girls. She expected the boys to do their own laundry but not do the extra steps of cleaning and maintenance. That analogy can be extrapolated to almost all versions of men doing housework/managing children.

We have to take sheets to daycare every Monday. EVERY MONDAY. We rotate drop off and pickup due to work (again 50/50). Wanna know how many times sheets were forgotten on his Monday drop off vs. mine? Details dont matter because they arent taught to see taking care of others and household tasks as important. It just a check box.

Just here to echo everything you wrote.

I've often wondered if my ex-husband's untimely/early death (@ 44/heart attack) was partly attributed to him being ill-equipped to handle a household alone. During our marriage I ran point on everything, and he did very little to further our mission. The little he did was half-assed and required a ton of appreciation/atta boys from me.

Following our divorce, I found life to be much easier and less chaotic because I had essentially been in training for years and did not need him. However, the opposite was true for him. He had to learn how to do everything alone and was promptly in search of a new wife to backfill my position. He died two years after the divorce and never remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?