Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?[/quote]

Revolutions take generations. This isnt technology. Its people and expectations. Standards are still kept at SAH level for most working moms. Technology has made household tasks less time-consuming but these inventions existed when moms were generally not in the workforce. There isnt much of a difference from doing laundry in 1960s to now. The load may be washed and dried faster but the work to collect, start, switch over, fold, and put away is the same. When people come to my house they dont say oh the dog hair on the steps is okay because they both work out of the home. My husband doesnt even see it. He was raised by someone who let him practice manipulative ignorance. If I dont do a job well then I dont have to do it. His mother didnt say do the job until you can do it well. The job and its outcome are not negotiable. A toilet cannot be half clean. It is either clean or dirty. Most men get participation trophies for household-related tasks. Most. There are some All Stars that actually run the bases and do the work but its rare and they dont have to be as well-rounded as women tend to be expected to be. Women have to pitch, catch, bat, run the bases, play outfield, cheer from the dugout, etc.

My great grandmother cleaned out her washing machine after every load. That was passed down and surprisingly, my grandmother, a woman who stayed at home her whole life, still continued to think it was a primarily a woman's job. So you know who was taught to do that- all us girls. She expected the boys to do their own laundry but not do the extra steps of cleaning and maintenance. That analogy can be extrapolated to almost all versions of men doing housework/managing children.

We have to take sheets to daycare every Monday. EVERY MONDAY. We rotate drop off and pickup due to work (again 50/50). Wanna know how many times sheets were forgotten on his Monday drop off vs. mine? Details dont matter because they arent taught to see taking care of others and household tasks as important. It just a check box.

[/quote]

Just here to echo everything you wrote.

I've often wondered if my ex-husband's untimely/early death (@ 44/heart attack) was partly attributed to him being ill-equipped to handle a household alone. During our marriage I ran point on everything, and he did very little to further our mission. The little he did was half-assed and required a ton of appreciation/atta boys from me.

Following our divorce, I found life to be much easier and less chaotic because I had essentially been in training for years and did not need him. However, the opposite was true for him. He had to learn how to do everything alone and was promptly in search of a new wife to backfill my position. He died two years after the divorce and never remarried.[/quote]

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