Would you marry someone whose parents are divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

You're an idiot. Please don't get married. Enjoy a long-term, non binding relationship. Ever heard of "til death do we part"?

I don't see divorcees as FAILURES, but their marriage, by definition, failed.

Sometimes the marriage failed. Sometimes the marriage was right for the couple when they were 20 and 30 and 40, but isn't right as they move into middle age. That's not a failure. It's just growing up. If you succesffully lived together for 20 years, you were successful for 20 years. "Until death do us part" is unrealistic for people who get married in their 20s or 30s and live until they are 80+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

It is a stereotype. You cited an example of crazy people who would act crazy even if they were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

well, the agreement was "until death you us part" so if the wife decides to bail out of the relationship as they do by filing for divorce 70-80% of the time then, yes they were not successful because they didn't keep their commitment. Calling divorce a "successful marriage" is like saying you successfully ran a marathon when you chose to stop at the third mile mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

It is a stereotype. You cited an example of crazy people who would act crazy even if they were married.

No, I cited examples of my peers who have difficulties dealing with the reality of their divorced parents. Unless you think her dad would have written her out of his will if he hadn’t divorced remarried and had another child which is possible but statistically unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

You're an idiot. Please don't get married. Enjoy a long-term, non binding relationship. Ever heard of "til death do we part"?

I don't see divorcees as FAILURES, but their marriage, by definition, failed.

Sometimes the marriage failed. Sometimes the marriage was right for the couple when they were 20 and 30 and 40, but isn't right as they move into middle age. That's not a failure. It's just growing up. If you succesffully lived together for 20 years, you were successful for 20 years. "Until death do us part" is unrealistic for people who get married in their 20s or 30s and live until they are 80+

Sometimes the marriage was a mistake and never right from day one and people stay for YEARS or a DECADE or more becaues of the stigma of divorce and the stupid "try to make it work." When there is nothing there, there is no reason to stay. Not divorcing immediately destroyed my life. I am so sick of people trying to define marriage and divorce. The word "successful" should never come into play when describing either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

well, the agreement was "until death you us part" so if the wife decides to bail out of the relationship as they do by filing for divorce 70-80% of the time then, yes they were not successful because they didn't keep their commitment. Calling divorce a "successful marriage" is like saying you successfully ran a marathon when you chose to stop at the third mile mark.

I never, ever want to get divorced but this attitude creeps me out. Sometimes you have to reevaluate your life plans Rather than basing all your decisions on something you said when life circumstances and maybe you and/or your spouse were very, very different. I like the idea that a relationship can be a success even if it ends if it’s no longer serving both parties. Calling it a failure seems to have an unnecessarily negative connotation. Maybe we should leave out the “until death do we part” but now we are in the awkward situation as a society where if we acknowledge that it’s okay if a relationship ends, we are planning on it ending or we are setting ourselves up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

I have noticed this pattern as well. I’ve dated a lot of divorced dads and literally in every case the person who initiated the divorce had parents who were divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

It is a stereotype. You cited an example of crazy people who would act crazy even if they were married.

No, I cited examples of my peers who have difficulties dealing with the reality of their divorced parents. Unless you think her dad would have written her out of his will if he hadn’t divorced remarried and had another child which is possible but statistically unlikely.

Again, you are citing stereotypes from 20 years ago. That is a child with divorced parents 20 or so years ago. I am a young Gen X. No other person is getting our kids money. We are divorced. You are still citing an old divorce stereotype. I know a few former couples with young kids who are divorced. None will have the crazy situation you describe. All have finances secured for kids through wills or trusts. People are amicable for the most part and protect their kids. They can't be married. The parents live in different places. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

well, the agreement was "until death you us part" so if the wife decides to bail out of the relationship as they do by filing for divorce 70-80% of the time then, yes they were not successful because they didn't keep their commitment. Calling divorce a "successful marriage" is like saying you successfully ran a marathon when you chose to stop at the third mile mark.

The wife files for divorce because of the man's actions. Have you read any of these infidelity posts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

It is a stereotype. You cited an example of crazy people who would act crazy even if they were married.

No, I cited examples of my peers who have difficulties dealing with the reality of their divorced parents. Unless you think her dad would have written her out of his will if he hadn’t divorced remarried and had another child which is possible but statistically unlikely.

Again, you are citing stereotypes from 20 years ago. That is a child with divorced parents 20 or so years ago. I am a young Gen X. No other person is getting our kids money. We are divorced. You are still citing an old divorce stereotype. I know a few former couples with young kids who are divorced. None will have the crazy situation you describe. All have finances secured for kids through wills or trusts. People are amicable for the most part and protect their kids. They can't be married. The parents live in different places. That is all.

Well then I am hopeful for a cultural shift towards amicable divorce that protects the children’s finances and makes arrangements for eldercare. As I said in my original post, a situation like that is not one I’d advise my child against, but I would advise against getting involved with messily divorced in laws. It seems like that remains good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

I have noticed this pattern as well. I’ve dated a lot of divorced dads and literally in every case the person who initiated the divorce had parents who were divorced.

Well I'm the child of intact happily married parents who is divorcing because her husband is abusive and is now an addict. The US has gone wild and there are way too many people who have no restrictions on themselves. Sorry that you think we should all just stay in an abusive marriage so that our children can say they were from an intact home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Because I know someone who is thrice divorced and the only reason they’re not divorcing again is because they’re afraid they’re too old to meet someone else who is a “quality” candidate, and they don’t want to die alone. Meanwhile their parents are still married…

I’m sure we all know lots of divorced folks who come from “intact” nuclear families.

If you google it, first snippet is: Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

It's not a crap shoot. If you have divorced parents, you are far more likely to get divorced yourself.

[Anonymous]

Some of y'all should go read that thread about children of divorce.

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced, five times between the two of them actually. I am not my parents. Thank goodness my husband understood that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

well, the agreement was "until death you us part" so if the wife decides to bail out of the relationship as they do by filing for divorce 70-80% of the time then, yes they were not successful because they didn't keep their commitment. Calling divorce a "successful marriage" is like saying you successfully ran a marathon when you chose to stop at the third mile mark.

The wife files for divorce because of the man's actions. Have you read any of these infidelity posts?

You don't get it. There are people who are looking for "till death.." mindset because they need partners who'll stick it out no matter what kind of crap they'll have to put up with. They belive in that unconditional live where no matter how badly you treat your partner, it's hey, at least we are married.