Would you marry someone whose parents are divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naive and unempathetic and childish.

This is true actually. And described me until shit hit the fan and I divorced. Now I am as broken as everyone I used to judge. Yay me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

+1. As the child of an alcoholic parent and a verbally abusive parent, it served no societal good for two people to remain in an absolutely miserable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The notion that children of divorce are going to be well adjusted is a convenient myth. Children are affected. While there may be an amicable divorce where neither parent is alienated and the child doesn't have the typical bad outcomes that simply isn't the norm. Parental alienation, and lack of either a male or female role model is going to impact a child and result in distortions (i.e., maladaptation's in their behavior). eating disorders, suicide attempts, attachment disorders, etc. They all show up to various degrees. Don't think that a woman who raises a man while complaining about his father isn't going to negatively impact that man's development. This means when he gets married he is probably going to exhibit behaviors the wife will not like. Same holds true for a woman who didn't have a father.

Nope.

Girl, bye.

Child of divorce and I'm very much happy with who I am. GTFO.

And my father is very much in my life. Admittedly, we're not close but there are plenty of girls who group with a father in their home and not close with their fathers.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

You're an idiot. Please don't get married. Enjoy a long-term, non binding relationship. Ever heard of "til death do we part"?

I don't see divorcees as FAILURES, but their marriage, by definition, failed.

Sometimes the marriage failed. Sometimes the marriage was right for the couple when they were 20 and 30 and 40, but isn't right as they move into middle age. That's not a failure. It's just growing up. If you succesffully lived together for 20 years, you were successful for 20 years. "Until death do us part" is unrealistic for people who get married in their 20s or 30s and live until they are 80+

BOOM!!!!!!

Especially in this day and age where people are living much longer and technology plays an immense roe in ours lives[b].

Such wives on instagram, facebook, twitter, etc. developing unreal expectations about what their husbands income must be and concluding that they can do better which leads them to cheating and divorce? Yes, women cheat. Self reported studies show that women cheat almost as much as men. Also, as a divorce lawyer I can tell you women cheat just as much as men. Also, people are not marrying in their 20s much these days. The average age for marriage is early 30s. You should have yourself figured out by then. I can't tell you the number of divorces I've done where the wife argued emotional neglect/abuse but interestingly the divorce happened right after he lost his job or right after she got a better job. Its disgusting to perpetuate the myth that divorce only happens because men cheat and that wives are innocent. It simply isn't the case.

Yes, a woman can be abused AND leave at the moment that is what advantageous for her. She is not obligated to leave barefoot in the snowstorm. I am surprised that as a divorce lawyer you can't grasp that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think just divorced parents are enough to mess up kids' future marriages. Yes, some divorces are traumatic, but others are not and the kids learn the hard way about how marriages work.
Some people come from loving homes where they were the center of attention. They know that the marriage was a loving marriage, but they weren't really paying attention to their parents' marriage. It's like they saw a synchronized swimming from just above the water. They may not be aware of the furious paddling below water required to hold it all together.

Agree, but I'd say it's a norm to not be aware of all the undercurrents in your parents' marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

+1. As the child of an alcoholic parent and a verbally abusive parent, it served no societal good for two people to remain in an absolutely miserable marriage.

Having an alcoholic parent is a big red flag.

[Anonymous]

I don't see 50+ years of unhappy marriage as a good thing.

My parents are divorced and pretty content. They have an amicable relationship and both re-partnered. There's some weirdness here or there, but eh. Our holidays are MUCH happier than my DH's family holidays, because we are all happy people and his mother is decidedly UNHAPPY. She is still married though!

I know WAY more couples in their 70s who SHOULD have gotten divorced, and never did, and are now utterly miserable to be around. They bicker, they stew, they are in general awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naive and unempathetic and childish.

I came from divorced parents. I have literally NO trauma from it. I had a terrific, happy childhood. I had both parents around always. I now have 2 step parents who are both a little weird, but they are loving and kind and very good to me.

Sorry your parents sucked. But they probably would have sucked if they stayed together too.

[Anonymous]

I wish my mom stayed with my abusive dad so I’d have a shot at marrying a quality man from an “intact” family. She really set me up for failure. Sarcasm aside, people that believe children of divorce won’t make good spouses or have a bunch of red flags from being raised by an abusive parent sound pretty narrow minded and naive. My siblings and I worked hard to find good spouses and have successful marriages (so far!). We were all very discerning while dating. If everyone is basing their opinion off anecdotal evidence, some of the men I dated with intact families had way more issues (attachment, communication, intimacy) than those of divorced parents and appeared less mature. Get to know someone, live with them, travel together and give yourself enough time to evaluate someone’s character before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add that what really matters is how happy a couple is - would rather be divorced and remarry someone than stay in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I mean all the dead headroom threads on here are so depressing. So I wonder who is ultimately happier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

Situations of abuse aside, I find this line of thinking challenging. On the one hand, life is long and no one should be sentenced to a life of misery. On the other hand, where do you draw the line between working through rough patches along the road of life and throwing in the towel because you're uninterested or unwilling to put in the work?

Most people do not divorce over “rough patches”—they divorce over irreconcilable differences lasting years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naive and unempathetic and childish.

I came from divorced parents. I have literally NO trauma from it. I had a terrific, happy childhood. I had both parents around always. I now have 2 step parents who are both a little weird, but they are loving and kind and very good to me.

Sorry your parents sucked. But they probably would have sucked if they stayed together too.

This is so true! It is the parenting, period. Actual marital status does not matter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

well, the agreement was "until death you us part" so if the wife decides to bail out of the relationship as they do by filing for divorce 70-80% of the time then, yes they were not successful because they didn't keep their commitment. Calling divorce a "successful marriage" is like saying you successfully ran a marathon when you chose to stop at the third mile mark.

The wife files for divorce because of the man's actions. Have you read any of these infidelity posts?

You don't get it. There are people who are looking for "till death.." mindset because they need partners who'll stick it out no matter what kind of crap they'll have to put up with. They belive in that unconditional live where no matter how badly you treat your partner, it's hey, at least we are married.

That's sad that's your outlook. I want a "till death" mindset because I don't want to ever worry that my partner will leave me hanging. I want to be able to get sick or struggle and know we're in it together and I want him to know that I won't leave him when he's struggling too. We are a team and we aren't quitting the team. I don't intend to abuse him.

Do you realize that people who are married are not guaranteed that, right? When I was married, he did not care one bit if I was sick. Marriage is no guarantee that your partner won't leave you hanging. Many men already do that in marriage.

That's why you find those things out beforehand as best you can. You should date long enough to have gone through some stuff. You can get a reasonably accurate picture of a person by dating them for a long time. Maybe your own trauma prevents you from seeing the truth about somebody, but that's on you. I have a hard time believing you married someone who took great care of you when you were sick while dating and he did a total 180 the minute you married.

You do not get it. I was not sick while dating. Emotional abusers commonly do not show true colors until after marriage.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are divorced and it's a nonfactor. We just don't see them as much as my own family because they don't host anything. My in-laws each individually visit us maybe once a year, and we help them each out financially as well, but we can afford it. I respect that DH is self-made and built a nice career for himself despite his disadvantaged childhood, and I am so close with my own family that I don't mind that DH's extended family isn't a big presence in our lives. We probably won't be their caregivers as they get older because we live farther away than DH's siblings, but I'm sure we'll continue to help out financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The notion that children of divorce are going to be well adjusted is a convenient myth. Children are affected. While there may be an amicable divorce where neither parent is alienated and the child doesn't have the typical bad outcomes that simply isn't the norm. Parental alienation, and lack of either a male or female role model is going to impact a child and result in distortions (i.e., maladaptation's in their behavior). eating disorders, suicide attempts, attachment disorders, etc. They all show up to various degrees. Don't think that a woman who raises a man while complaining about his father isn't going to negatively impact that man's development. This means when he gets married he is probably going to exhibit behaviors the wife will not like. Same holds true for a woman who didn't have a father.

You do not know what the norm is. My kids will fare just as well as those with married parents. Get off your high, old-fashioned horse.