Would you marry someone whose parents are divorced?

[Anonymous]

Of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to really see the reasons behind it.

For cheating, alcoholics, physically and emotionally abusive households, hell YEAH that would be some MAJOR red flags. You can pretty much guarantee as nice as they seem in their 20s/early 30s pre-marriage, there are going to be some really big issues come midlife and when kids come along. A lot of that trauma comes out after kids are born and holidays and everything bring back lots of repressed trauma. They also learn to 'lie and compartmentalize' because that is what they had to do outside of the home, they usually learned it from the other parent.

To this point, I would be very wary of marrying the child of an abusive family unless they had done significant therapy to ensure an end to the cycle of abuse. Regardless of whether the parents were still married.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Because I know someone who is thrice divorced and the only reason they’re not divorcing again is because they’re afraid they’re too old to meet someone else who is a “quality” candidate, and they don’t want to die alone. Meanwhile their parents are still married…

I’m sure we all know lots of divorced folks who come from “intact” nuclear families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

This right here is the saddest commentary on divorce I've ever seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an odd question.

While I am SURE there are people who witnessed and internalized bad patterns and dynamics from their parents' relationships, there are tons of people who experience this whether their parents are divorced or married.

Yikes to this question and the entire premise that it is even worth considering.

I'm 10:50, and exactly the bolded. For people who say now, what other uncontrollable criteria do you have for dismissing a potential partner? And, do you consider yourself emotionally healthy if you're that judgmental?

Also, the assumption that remaining married equates with stability, emotional maturity, etc., is comical. One of the most emotionally mature people I know is divorced, and it's precisely her emotional maturity that led to her divorce. Plenty of people settle for terrible partners in part due to their own dysfunction. And that's a badge of honor? Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

I'm sorry, but divorce absolutely is a failure. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

We fail in life sometimes. We are human. But some things are successes to be celebrated and some things are failures to try to avoid and learn from. Divorce is in the 2nd category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to really see the reasons behind it.

For cheating, alcoholics, physically and emotionally abusive households, hell YEAH that would be some MAJOR red flags. You can pretty much guarantee as nice as they seem in their 20s/early 30s pre-marriage, there are going to be some really big issues come midlife and when kids come along. A lot of that trauma comes out after kids are born and holidays and everything bring back lots of repressed trauma. They also learn to 'lie and compartmentalize' because that is what they had to do outside of the home, they usually learned it from the other parent.

To this point, I would be very wary of marrying the child of an abusive family unless they had done significant therapy to ensure an end to the cycle of abuse. Regardless of whether the parents were still married.

Mom her who left an abusive DH SO THAT my child would not be exposed to it or turn out that way. Now you're telling me he gets all the same disadvantage and stigma?

[Anonymous]

I thought this way and ended up marrying someone who was abusive despite us both coming from intact families over generations. So many families I guess just lived through trauma and stayed together. It's the luck of the draw these days. I would look more at character traits and just do regular counseling. America is the land of freedom and if people want to do something they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I dated a divorcée. Her parents divorced, then remarried other people, and divorced again.

There were, I think, 8 divorces involving just this couple and their only child (who I dated, but broke up with).

She married the next guy, had a child, and is now divorced from him. Divorce was the norm in that family.

I personally believe more in commitment, personal responsibility, and grit.

Other people? Many seem really fragile or mentally ill these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I dated a divorcée. Her parents divorced, then remarried other people, and divorced again.

There were, I think, 8 divorces involving just this couple and their only child (who I dated, but broke up with).

She married the next guy, had a child, and is now divorced from him. Divorce was the norm in that family.

I personally believe more in commitment, personal responsibility, and grit.

Other people? Many seem really fragile or mentally ill these days.

I think if you see that it is a very acceptable option, it becomes just that. My question is why do these people keep marrying? If they aren't about commitment. Stop. Just don't get married. If the first discord or bit of boredom, you flee, maybe you shouldn't 'commit'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Because I know someone who is thrice divorced and the only reason they’re not divorcing again is because they’re afraid they’re too old to meet someone else who is a “quality” candidate, and they don’t want to die alone. Meanwhile their parents are still married…

I’m sure we all know lots of divorced folks who come from “intact” nuclear families.

I am one of them. No one in my entire extended family has ever divorced for generations. Meanwhile I married someone where no one in the family was not divorced one or more times, including him. I divorced him (so now he is twice divorced). Now I am tainted and my kids are too. I want to die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What an odd question.

While I am SURE there are people who witnessed and internalized bad patterns and dynamics from their parents' relationships, there are tons of people who experience this whether their parents are divorced or married.

Yikes to this question and the entire premise that it is even worth considering.

I'm 10:50, and exactly the bolded. For people who say now, what other uncontrollable criteria do you have for dismissing a potential partner? And, do you consider yourself emotionally healthy if you're that judgmental?

Also, the assumption that remaining married equates with stability, emotional maturity, etc., is comical. One of the most emotionally mature people I know is divorced, and it's precisely her emotional maturity that led to her divorce. Plenty of people settle for terrible partners in part due to their own dysfunction. And that's a badge of honor? Get real.

exactly. Find women that has married for 20+ years and more often than not these will women will share all the crap she had to put up with after you give her a glass of wine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

Divorce is often necessary and it does not have to be bad. I would prefer my kids marry someone with divorced parents than someone whose parents stayed in a happy dysfunctional marriage for surface reasons.

[Anonymous]

Good pre-marital counseling should be mandatory. That would flush out a lot of potential issues. Or at least shed light on them.

When we are madly in love, we tend to overlook many things or downplay them. Things that 10 years down the road become blatantly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.