I’m an emotional wreck and need reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this you, OP, from few months ago, who in addition to going to a lawyer with your mom to get POA, wanted to redo your mother's will to cut your brothers out?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1003056.page

Was a new will created?

Yes! And of course not. I was just angry. I don’t care about the Will, I just care about her needs now because it would be disastrous having those two making her decisions. She would be gone in months I know this for sure. They’d have her back home with no care arguing on who’s turn it is to stay the night with her because they want to go out and get drunk. (I live an hr away) Meanwhile she fell 5 times in the two weeks when she was home in this scenario. When she was in the hospital she told me she wanted me to be her POA going forward. I never brought it up. Maybe it was because I was visiting her everyday and they weren’t. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

I would start doing what needs to be done without talking with them. They are going to fight you every step of the way. As they live closer to her they may start to visit and pressure her. The one could move in this weekend just to be a pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start doing what needs to be done without talking with them. They are going to fight you every step of the way. As they live closer to her they may start to visit and pressure her. The one could move in this weekend just to be a pain.

I know. I’m seeing her today and need to again give her the pep talk on how it’s her money and her quality of life and care that she can easily afford without even touching her real estate investments. I have to get her tough enough to tell them this so if they start bullying her and making her feel guilty she won’t give in. What will she lose? One son who never visits her and the other who keeps trying to convince her to move into the roach motel AL he chose.

[Anonymous]

If the house and car are worth less than 10% of her wealth can’t you start paying for her care with the rest of her money first? The house and car may not need to be sold to give your mom good care. They could be a last resort if needed. Maybe that’s what your brothers are thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the house and car are worth less than 10% of her wealth can’t you start paying for her care with the rest of her money first? The house and car may not need to be sold to give your mom good care. They could be a last resort if needed. Maybe that’s what your brothers are thinking.

Her monthly income with supplementing from her savings will last maybe 5 months. After that we will need an extra 8k monthly. Selling her home is not an instant transaction. I’m not waiting till the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the house and car are worth less than 10% of her wealth can’t you start paying for her care with the rest of her money first? The house and car may not need to be sold to give your mom good care. They could be a last resort if needed. Maybe that’s what your brothers are thinking.

Her monthly income with supplementing from her savings will last maybe 5 months. After that we will need an extra 8k monthly. Selling her home is not an instant transaction. I’m not waiting till the last minute.

Then what accounts for the other 90% of her wealth? I think you said selling the house would pay for 9 years of care at 13,000/month. Is that right? That’s 1.4M…is 1.4M only 10% of her wealth? If she has 14M I think she has the resources to pay for whatever care she wants. What am I missing here?

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this as gently and nicely but firmly as possible...you have GOT to get a backbone in this. You are now her POA, and she gave you that authority for a reason, which is echoing in every post you make. You also have to accept that going forward you will no longer have a relationship with your brothers for awhile. Accept it, internalize it, and then start putting into action what has to happen. Wishing it was different is not going to change a thing because that ball is in their court, and they have made clear just how selfish and self-interested they are in this situation and are refusing to see it differently. Sad but true, and it is completely their choice based on their predatory views. Hopefully some day they will change but that's not happening right now. You've GOT to get past this.

It's time to dig in and start putting into process what your mom has entrusted you to do. She didn't give you POA to watch you let your brothers railroad away her possessions she and her husband spent a lifetime accruing for just this moment. She gave you POA because she knew they would behave like this and she is entrusting you.

First, change the locks on her house so your brother can't move in. Do that THIS WEEKEND. Second, meet with your attorney and have him notify them with a legal document that you are POA and need possession of the car. His choice is to either, turn it over to you for sale for her care, or give you $XX as compensation toward her care in return for keeping the car. Do everything through your attorney. Do NOT engage with them. Every comment, every question receives the response, you need to speak with my attorney regarding that question or issue. Get out of the middle of it since you are too emotionally affected and invested.

You not only CAN do this, you HAVE to do this. Your mom has put her trust in you and she is what matters most right now.

[Anonymous]

I will join the chorus and encourage you to start now! You're right, this is the time to sell the house and vehicle. And from your most recent posts it looks like you said with her current monthly income and savings she has about 6 months of expenses covered? Definitely move ahead. Change the locks on the house and get all the car keys. Heck, you may be able to have the car re-keyed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this as gently and nicely but firmly as possible...you have GOT to get a backbone in this. You are now her POA, and she gave you that authority for a reason, which is echoing in every post you make. You also have to accept that going forward you will no longer have a relationship with your brothers for awhile. Accept it, internalize it, and then start putting into action what has to happen. Wishing it was different is not going to change a thing because that ball is in their court, and they have made clear just how selfish and self-interested they are in this situation and are refusing to see it differently. Sad but true, and it is completely their choice based on their predatory views. Hopefully some day they will change but that's not happening right now. You've GOT to get past this.

It's time to dig in and start putting into process what your mom has entrusted you to do. She didn't give you POA to watch you let your brothers railroad away her possessions she and her husband spent a lifetime accruing for just this moment. She gave you POA because she knew they would behave like this and she is entrusting you.

First, change the locks on her house so your brother can't move in. Do that THIS WEEKEND. Second, meet with your attorney and have him notify them with a legal document that you are POA and need possession of the car. His choice is to either, turn it over to you for sale for her care, or give you $XX as compensation toward her care in return for keeping the car. Do everything through your attorney. Do NOT engage with them. Every comment, every question receives the response, you need to speak with my attorney regarding that question or issue. Get out of the middle of it since you are too emotionally affected and invested.

You not only CAN do this, you HAVE to do this. Your mom has put her trust in you and she is what matters most right now.

+1 to every word of this. You simply cannot let your emotions at your brothers' conduct get in the way here.

If your mom is tough enough to have the conversation with them, good. Maybe that will help. Your husband should be there too as a witness as it sounds like your brothers are starting to become accusatory towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the house and car are worth less than 10% of her wealth can’t you start paying for her care with the rest of her money first? The house and car may not need to be sold to give your mom good care. They could be a last resort if needed. Maybe that’s what your brothers are thinking.

And that they’re entitled to her house and car more than their mom?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Met with her AL today to go over her new monthly charges and good thing I did because they conveniently forgot about the $400 monthly discount they gave us till sept 2022. Boy you have to stay on top of everything, especially when dealing with elderly care companies who think their customers are in Lalaland.
Had a long hard talk with her to get her on board telling my brothers what she wants. She was tough as nails today and literally said, “it’s my money and I will do what I want with it and if they don’t like it they can suck it!”. Holy macaroni I never knew my mom had such a potty mouth. I told her about the one brother who plans on moving into her home and she said, “what!!, sure, he can sell his home and his gf can sell her home and that will give them enough to buy my home”. She’s brilliant.

I texted the brother who handles her bank accts what the new monthly charges will be and he just replied, “ok I’ll use her acct with the 300k balance”. That alone plus her monthly income will pay for almost 6 yrs of care without touching any of her assets. I also talked to my other brother and he was actually calm and agreeable as well. I guess they both googled POA.

I’m so relieved and can finally breath again. I never wanted to go through a contentious battle with them over this. Family is everything and my mom would be heartbroken if her children were estranged.

The best part about today was when my mom told me she didn’t want to go back to her home and how much she misses her new friends at her AL. I busted out crying because it was like pulling teeth getting her to even think about leaving her home. I knew with her personality and love of people she would thrive in an AL community vs sitting home chain smoking in seclusion. She just needed to give it a chance. Happy days..

[Anonymous]

Glad things are working out for you. You told us on page 2 that she wanted to go back to AL so not sure why the big reaction about it. Also, did you previously tell us that one of your brother’s controls her back account? Lastly, the math still doesn’t add up. See the other post about the house comprising 10% of her estate. Can you clarify?

[Anonymous]

Another brother handles the bank accounts? Does he also have POA? How many brothers do you have, OP?