I’m an emotional wreck and need reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, as difficult as it may be, try to separate your feelings about your brothers' actions from what you know you need to do to care for your mom. It's upsetting that they are acting like this, and hopefully it doesn't get worse, but your mother entrusted you with this for a reason (an obvious one at that, based on your OP). It's no consolation to be "right" in these situations, but try to stay clear and focused on what needs to be done.

This is what my husband and best friends tell me over and over but I’m still so deeply hurt and I don’t want to have to do things the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT let a brother move into that house. You will never get them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

do they have a point? Is assisted living no longer the place for her and she needs another placement that can provide more intensive services? Not that it would make it cheaper and you would still need to sell the house, etc most likely. Have you consulted a financial advisor for these type of situations?

[Anonymous]

Make an appointment a.s.a.p. with an elder law attorney to protect your mother’s assets. There are laws on elder abuse.

Change the locks on the house as soon as possible. You can look up an approximate blue book value of your mother’s car online. Document that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

My older brother is the executor of her will. My attorney told me now as her POA I can sell off properties if needed for her care. While she’s here I am in charge of her finances and her health advocate. I can literally use every penny she has for her care and nothing will be left in her Will.
I pray having a private care giver keeping her from falling will keep her around for at least 10 more years. Shes 80 and her mom lived to 97 but her mom lived a healthier lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

This being the case I recommend you get an eldercare advocate or attorney involved. Preferably male. Preferably as old or older than them. Sorry, I realize that's sexist, but you need two things here - 1) someone to tell them what's what as far as what will fund your mother's care, etc. Have a pre-meet with this person and make crystal clear that this conversation is informative and not a debate. Your mother is where she needs to be and HER assets will be liquidated to fund her care via the POA that YOU hold; and 2) to give you cover and relieve some of your own guilt and conflict over this.

And I would not wait. The old saying that "possession is 9/10ths of the law" is absolutely true. The longer you let this go the worse it will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your mother able to talk with all of you and let your brothers know what SHE wants and that she decided to give you POA? It might be better coming from her than you, if she's able. Then as part of that discussion, you can tell your brothers that the house and car need to be sold to pay for her care. Would they make a stink about it if your mother was part of the conversation?

Also, make sure her will and any other estate planning documents are up to date.

No, no, no, no, to making the elderly mother go through this. Mom has already signed over the POA. If she was able to have this conversation she already would have had it. Totally unfair to her to make her do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

do they have a point? Is assisted living no longer the place for her and she needs another placement that can provide more intensive services? Not that it would make it cheaper and you would still need to sell the house, etc most likely. Have you consulted a financial advisor for these type of situations?

I don’t need a financial advisor. This is all common sense. I looked into continuing care centers for my mom and she immediately started crying. She is completely cognitive and she knows what those places are. She told me she wants to go back to her AL apt back with all the friends she made there. I said fine mom but you need a private caregiver because they can’t be with you enough to keep you from falling. She said that’s fine because she’s terrified of falling again and will feel more secure knowing someone is there helping her full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

My older brother is the executor of her will. My attorney told me now as her POA I can sell off properties if needed for her care. While she’s here I am in charge of her finances and her health advocate. I can literally use every penny she has for her care and nothing will be left in her Will.
I pray having a private care giver keeping her from falling will keep her around for at least 10 more years. Shes 80 and her mom lived to 97 but her mom lived a healthier lifestyle.

PP here - get this elder law attorney to hold the meeting I described above. It's good that you already have a relationship with an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Call a meeting at the lawyers office and have her tell them. Get a court order. It all gets sold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my uncaring brothers and elderly mom who took a sudden turn and now needs private care at her assisted living apt. I did get the POA giving me control of her finances and healthcare. My brothers have no idea. Every time I talk with them about liquidating her home that now sits empty they go nuts! I found out one brother has plans to move into it. I guess he’s thinking he’ll rent out his smaller home. Meanwhile my other brother is driving her vehicle around valued at about 30k. I asked for the title to the car to sell and go towards her care and they are telling me things like, “ probably won’t get much for it so no point in selling”. House and car are in her name only and total less than 10% of her assets and could pay for her care for about 9 yrs.

They are fighting me on liquidating any of her assets to go towards her care! I now know I can legally do whatever I want to give my mom the best care she deserves with HER MONEY. I just feel horrible it’s come to this and I know my brothers are going to go nuts when they find out I am her POA and legally they have zero say now. I’m sick to my stomach I had to do this and how callous they are acting towards a woman who loved them so much.

If this is correct, what about her other assets?
Also, your brother is wrong that the used care would not go for much. Used cars are in short supply and are selling at a premium right now.
I agree with the advice to get an estate planning lawyer involved. I would be a wreck, too, in these circumstances. But you are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Make an appointment a.s.a.p. with an elder law attorney to protect your mother’s assets. There are laws on elder abuse.

Change the locks on the house as soon as possible. You can look up an approximate blue book value of your mother’s car online. Document that.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Call now about getting the locks changed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

This being the case I recommend you get an eldercare advocate or attorney involved. Preferably male. Preferably as old or older than them. Sorry, I realize that's sexist, but you need two things here - 1) someone to tell them what's what as far as what will fund your mother's care, etc. Have a pre-meet with this person and make crystal clear that this conversation is informative and not a debate. Your mother is where she needs to be and HER assets will be liquidated to fund her care via the POA that YOU hold; and 2) to give you cover and relieve some of your own guilt and conflict over this.

And I would not wait. The old saying that "possession is 9/10ths of the law" is absolutely true. The longer you let this go the worse it will be.

My attorney actually suggested this to my mom and I when we were doing the POA. But my mom said it was silly to spend the money on something like that but I’m starting to think differently. I felt that my brothers would still argue with her advocate and know I was behind whatever they told them. My brothers are extremely unreasonable and irrational so it’s a no win situation. Again this is why my mom immediately told me she wanted me to be her POA.

[Anonymous]

Is she willing to change who is the executor of her will?