I’m an emotional wreck and need reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my uncaring brothers and elderly mom who took a sudden turn and now needs private care at her assisted living apt. I did get the POA giving me control of her finances and healthcare. My brothers have no idea. Every time I talk with them about liquidating her home that now sits empty they go nuts! I found out one brother has plans to move into it. I guess he’s thinking he’ll rent out his smaller home. Meanwhile my other brother is driving her vehicle around valued at about 30k. I asked for the title to the car to sell and go towards her care and they are telling me things like, “ probably won’t get much for it so no point in selling”. House and car are in her name only and total less than 10% of her assets and could pay for her care for about 9 yrs.

They are fighting me on liquidating any of her assets to go towards her care! I now know I can legally do whatever I want to give my mom the best care she deserves with HER MONEY. I just feel horrible it’s come to this and I know my brothers are going to go nuts when they find out I am her POA and legally they have zero say now. I’m sick to my stomach I had to do this and how callous they are acting towards a woman who loved them so much.

If this is correct, what about her other assets?
Also, your brother is wrong that the used care would not go for much. Used cars are in short supply and are selling at a premium right now.
I agree with the advice to get an estate planning lawyer involved. I would be a wreck, too, in these circumstances. But you are doing the right thing.

I know. I just sold my car and got premium money. That’s why I figured we sell her car asap. I know so many things that my brothers don’t know because they don’t research, don’t talk to her doctors, don’t talk to her health assessment people. I do! It’s infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she willing to change who is the executor of her will?

There’s really no need to. It’s cut and dry. My only concern is keeping her around and giving her the best care HER money can buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she willing to change who is the executor of her will?

There’s really no need to. It’s cut and dry. My only concern is keeping her around and giving her the best care HER money can buy.

Move forward with that as your goal then. Even your mom knows you are the one of her children that need to do this.

Decide what is the best way for YOU to inform your brothers, whether it's through the attorney or maybe with your husband there to back you up, but do it, and soon.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you use cash for her care first?

[Anonymous]

So your brother wants to move in for free I presume and rent out his house, lol. Of course he does. The other one wants to drive the car until everyone forgets its not his. OMG you can't make this up.

This is why you are POA. Sell everything. Your brothers cannot be trusted and this will get messy real fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your brother wants to move in for free I presume and rent out his house, lol. Of course he does. The other one wants to drive the car until everyone forgets its not his. OMG you can't make this up.

This is why you are POA. Sell everything. Your brothers cannot be trusted and this will get messy real fast.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you use cash for her care first?

Because the car is a depreciating asset that will lose value in the 10 years that mom is hopefully in AL and the house becomes a liability when a brother moves in and refuses to pay rent or move out? Because mom isn't using either the house or the car and won't be but will need $$ for her care so why not get rid of them so OP doesn't have to also deal with them?

Because keeping the house and car at this point benefits the brothers who are not helping but not mom or OP who is handling everything. Why should the brothers get to use the house and car for free? Did they even ask mom before making their plans to use her stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

My older brother is the executor of her will. My attorney told me now as her POA I can sell off properties if needed for her care. While she’s here I am in charge of her finances and her health advocate. I can literally use every penny she has for her care and nothing will be left in her Will.
I pray having a private care giver keeping her from falling will keep her around for at least 10 more years. Shes 80 and her mom lived to 97 but her mom lived a healthier lifestyle.

As the POA, you can make the Will simple. You can make the three of you PODs (payable on death) on any bank accounts. You can make the three of you TODs (transfer on death) on any investment accounts. Then those transfer automatically outside of the Will. Also make sure the beneficiaries are up to date on 401ks.

[Anonymous]

Do your brothers understand your mother cannot pay for care until she sells these assets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your brothers understand your mother cannot pay for care until she sells these assets?

OP stated these assets are 10% of her worth... so she doesn't need to sell them immediately. It's a good idea to sell if she won't use them again, but I'm guessing there's more to this story.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. Sending you a digital hug. I hope you have people who can be there for you in all of this too.

[Anonymous]

Is this you, OP, from few months ago, who in addition to going to a lawyer with your mom to get POA, wanted to redo your mother's will to cut your brothers out?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1003056.page

Was a new will created?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your mother able to talk with all of you and let your brothers know what SHE wants and that she decided to give you POA? It might be better coming from her than you, if she's able. Then as part of that discussion, you can tell your brothers that the house and car need to be sold to pay for her care. Would they make a stink about it if your mother was part of the conversation?

Also, make sure her will and any other estate planning documents are up to date.

No, no, no, no, to making the elderly mother go through this. Mom has already signed over the POA. If she was able to have this conversation she already would have had it. Totally unfair to her to make her do this.

OP here. It finally started getting ugly last night in text convo with one of my brothers. He was asking me stupid questions about moms future care and cost which I’ve gone over a 100xs already. They both think mom has dementia and doesn’t know what she wants. I had her rehab case manager call him and he thinks she’s in cahoots with the AL. I said dad would be very heartbroken with the way they are squabbling about his money for the care of his wife. He said dad was practical and would be proud of them. He tells me he could bring her back home with a full time caregiver and he will stay the night there as well. I said her house is not conducive and would need 20k in updates to make it safe and Again I reminded him it’s 18k a month for full time care. It will be 13k at her AL with private care plus she will have the socialization and friendships. At home she’s isolated, sedentary and will go back to chain smoking. I told him her last fall wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been because her AL has rubber floors. He went on and on that it was because of me that she wants to go back to her “ritzy” AL and because I’m impractical with my Louis Vuitton and overspend etc. I literally spent $2200 furnishing her AL apt plus I designed and made her window treatments watching DIY videos. I’m the master of design on the cheap and he knows this. He then started with his delusional conspiracy theories with real estate only going up and cash will be soon worthless and cryptocurrency is the only way. I said I’ll ask her AL and private care if they’ll take Bitcoin.

We ended with this, “ok we’ll do it your way for now but moving forward you will not be the only one making all moms decisions”. I finally had to tell him, “actually as moms POA I will be making all the decisions per her requests and if the day comes when she can no longer make her own decisions I will make them for her”. He said, “oh so now you’re in charge ?👍🏼“

My husband says it is now detrimental for my mom to tell both sons in person that this is what she wants and that I am her POA and they both will have to abide. Ugh I didn’t want to stress my mom out but my husband thinks it’s the only way and she’s a tough cookie and will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you use cash for her care first?

Because the car is a depreciating asset that will lose value in the 10 years that mom is hopefully in AL and the house becomes a liability when a brother moves in and refuses to pay rent or move out? Because mom isn't using either the house or the car and won't be but will need $$ for her care so why not get rid of them so OP doesn't have to also deal with them?

Because keeping the house and car at this point benefits the brothers who are not helping but not mom or OP who is handling everything. Why should the brothers get to use the house and car for free? Did they even ask mom before making their plans to use her stuff?

Exactly. My mom is still paying the taxes and insurances on everything while they both took it upon themselves to do this WITHOUT even asking her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your brothers understand your mother cannot pay for care until she sells these assets?

OP stated these assets are 10% of her worth... so she doesn't need to sell them immediately. It's a good idea to sell if she won't use them again, but I'm guessing there's more to this story.

She has enough in her savings for maybe 6 months. With the housing market right now we can easily get a 100k more so now is the time to sell her home and add that to her account. We can’t wait for the crash. Same with her car. Meanwhile she still has her real estate that gives her monthly income but not enough to cover her care. Selling her home and car should be enough to supplement her income for her care for 11 years. This is a no brainer.