Husband fell asleep drunk in delivery room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure he knows that if he doesn’t get treatment, there is no leeway for problem drinking going forward. If he’s not fit to get up with the baby during the night because he’s drunk, that’s it and you leave. Which isn’t to say you have to commit to getting divorced right then; if you leaving is the wake-up call he needs to get treatment and commit to stopping drinking, great.

Also, unfortunately you can’t leave the baby with him alone at a time when he might drink since he clearly doesn’t have control over his consumption. If he’s not a morning drinker and you can get a break then, do it. But you can’t go out with friends in the evening and leave the baby with him since you know he drinks to excess at night when you’re not around.

OP I'm so sorry. I am glad your mom was there.

I agree with this PP. Your DH is clearly an alcoholic. I mean the two interpretations of what happened are 1. he is an alcoholic and drank even though he knew that was a terrible thing to abandon you and miss the birth of his child or 2. he isn't an alcoholic, "can control it" (as he says) but didn't really care about the birth so chose to get drunk for fun instead. Which one would he like to accept?

That said, he'll surely make excuses, but you don't need to wait for him. You know what this is, and it isn't your fault, any of it. Protect your child -- get life and disability insurance for him ASAP and speak with a lawyer about your options in terms of finances, divorce and custody. Armed with that you can start discussing with him options. Plan your future with him as he is with anything improving as a bonus. I'm sure that's not the thing you can do right now, but when you can. My thoughts are with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to leave him now. He won't be able to take care of a child in the night, or on a hungover morning. It's just not safe in practical terms. These are the dads falling asleep on their kids and smothering them. Seriously.

If he's going to be no good to you as a parent of your child you need to leave and do it on your own or with the help of your parents.

Op your child is too important to live with this. You are too important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to leave him now. He won't be able to take care of a child in the night, or on a hungover morning. It's just not safe in practical terms. These are the dads falling asleep on their kids and smothering them. Seriously.

If he's going to be no good to you as a parent of your child you need to leave and do it on your own or with the help of your parents.

Op your child is too important to live with this. You are too important.

Op sorry I missed your update. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

You took a very difficult step OP. Good for you. I really hope he will take this seriously.

[Anonymous]

You are really strong, OP. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

I’m dealing with this now, but DC is in elementary school. It’s painful to see her reactions. It took me longer to act, so I respect you VERY much.

Are you willing to share the name of the specialist who is helping you? I’m having an almost impossible time maintaining good boundaries during the transition. I try, but he ignores me. Thank you for considering and take good care of yourself and the baby. You got this and deep, deep breaths. Xo

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH took me there and did a great job during delivery, but that night he went on a bender by himself. My sister and my mom took me to my sister's place when we were discharged. I'm sorry this happened, it's awful. Try to address it, get support for yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you to all for your support. I have asked DH to move out and he is in the process of doing so. This is such an awful and difficult situation, but I cannot knowingly support an active addiction by allowing DH to stay in the family home, and I must be very careful that I am no enabling this behavior. Unfortunately, while DH has admitted to being an alcoholic, he is completely self-centered and has only mentioned the ways in which this has impacted HIM! Absolutely no awareness of how anyone else has been impacted or might feel about his addition. He says he is attending daily counseling sessions and AA meetings, but the addiction specialist said this is not what early and active recovery looks like. Someone who is in early but active recovery develops humility and a sincere effort to make amends to the people they have hurt. He just blames me and says that I should have allowed him to "get on more stable ground before pulling these moves" on him.

One thing that I learned in interacting with alcoholics (family members, friends, colleagues) is the maxim "I don't care how you feel, I care how you behave." It feels very cold, and as a person who is generally very empathetic and warm, that was hard for me. But feelings are soft and are often used to justify toxic and dangerous behavior. What excuse could he possibly have for passing out drunk during the birth of his child? For many people, that alone would be a wakeup call. My husband had struggled with drinking in the past and essentially doesn't drink now, but even when he was drinking problematically, he would have been mortified at doing this. It would have been a sign that the alcohol had such control over him that he was no longer in charge.

I agree that early and active recovery involves a fair amount of humility and amends-making, but what your husband is doing isn't actually "recovery." He is still behaving like the alcoholic he is, whether he's drinking or not. Substance abuse is more than just drinking and smoking. It involves a complicated and interrelated series of lifestyle decisions, behaviors, feelings, relationships, patterns of communication, etc. In order for him to enter the stage of recovery your expert is talking about, he will need to do more than admit he's an alcoholic and go to counseling and AA meetings. It will probably take some time, and the reality is that relapse is common and recovery is hard and he may not actually be ready for recovery yet.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, with a new baby (CONGRATS!). I hope you are getting good support from your community.

[Anonymous]

Do not have any more kids with him. And realize that you need to talk to your baby (congrats) MANY times throughout his/her childhood about alcoholism and how important it is that they NOT drink.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank to everyone again for the support. I agree with the PP's who talked about recovery and what it looks like, and the importance of having an open dialogue about the genetics for alcoholism with our child. Part of what I am struggling with is the deception that has taken place. He has admitted that he has struggled with alcohol abuse for some time (before we met) yet he has managed to keep it pretty well concealed until now. Looking back there are many things I didn't put together, that I now know are related to alcoholism: He had intermittent problems with ED, he had increasing trouble managing responsibilities like remembering to pay certain bills, he gained quite a bit of weight, he would have excuses why he couldn't come to bed with me at night (needs to work, wants to watch TV etc) and I would find him on the couch in the morning. He has also had a somewhat erratic employment history, although his explanations for switching jobs or being let go always seemed to make sense at the time. But piecing this all together bit by bit has been really unsettling. I'm just glad that I now know what I know and can take steps to protect myself and our child.

[Anonymous]

No advice. No pressure. Just want to say I’m so sorry this happened to you

[Anonymous]

You've done the right thing, OP. Absolutely the right thing. I applaud your strength, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you for the thoughtful comments. I have hired an addiction specialist to help me and hopefully help him. What I do know is that I will not have my home used as a place to support an active addiction, nor will I allow it to be used as an alcoholic detox center. Staying with him is not an option if he continues to refuse treatment.

Atta girl! Way to take control and create a safe place for yourself and your baby!

[Anonymous]

Hugs op, you are strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank to everyone again for the support. I agree with the PP's who talked about recovery and what it looks like, and the importance of having an open dialogue about the genetics for alcoholism with our child. Part of what I am struggling with is the deception that has taken place. He has admitted that he has struggled with alcohol abuse for some time (before we met) yet he has managed to keep it pretty well concealed until now. Looking back there are many things I didn't put together, that I now know are related to alcoholism: He had intermittent problems with ED, he had increasing trouble managing responsibilities like remembering to pay certain bills, he gained quite a bit of weight, he would have excuses why he couldn't come to bed with me at night (needs to work, wants to watch TV etc) and I would find him on the couch in the morning. He has also had a somewhat erratic employment history, although his explanations for switching jobs or being let go always seemed to make sense at the time. But piecing this all together bit by bit has been really unsettling. I'm just glad that I now know what I know and can take steps to protect myself and our child.

Yup. OP, my now exH was passed out drunk while I was in labor with #2 at home, and I had to wake him up to take me to the hospital. I didnt realize it until many years later, because at the time he had sworn he wasn’t drinking. It was after he went to rehab a few years later and was being a little more honest, one night before DC’s birthday I was thinking back to that night and was like, wait a minute, holy shit, you were passed out, weren’t you? because otherwise who lets their spouse labor alone? What you’ve described about all the pieces falling into place and realizing the extent of deception happened to me much later. I tried couples counseling with him but he never really understood how much that messed me up - it was sort of like, ‘i am not drinking anymore, can we go back to the way it used to be?’, and ultimately we divorced. It is early to know for sure, yours may come around and genuinely try to make amends, but if he doesn’t acknowledge how hard it is to get past the blatant deceptions, leave him, and how much work he will have to do to get you to trust him again, leave him. It was really hard, but i am so much happier not always wondering if I’m being somebody’s fool. Good luck!