Husband fell asleep drunk in delivery room

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

The good news is that he acknowledged his problem, though perhaps not the severity of it. Many alcoholics lie even when it's so clear.

He needs to begin treatment now and you can't leave him with the baby alone until he's consistently, long-term sober.

Sending my best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure he knows that if he doesn’t get treatment, there is no leeway for problem drinking going forward. If he’s not fit to get up with the baby during the night because he’s drunk, that’s it and you leave. Which isn’t to say you have to commit to getting divorced right then; if you leaving is the wake-up call he needs to get treatment and commit to stopping drinking, great.

Also, unfortunately you can’t leave the baby with him alone at a time when he might drink since he clearly doesn’t have control over his consumption. If he’s not a morning drinker and you can get a break then, do it. But you can’t go out with friends in the evening and leave the baby with him since you know he drinks to excess at night when you’re not around.

He’s very new to fatherhood. It’s a big adjustment and comes with pressure to perform. OP can’t assume his drinking habits will remain unchanged.

No a morning drinker may be the lowest bar I’ve ever heard of

I’m the pp who wrote the bolder. I agree that it’s an incredibly low bar. As the child of an alcoholic, I personally think OP should leave now. But u also recognize the realities of the situation, that OP may not be emotionally ready to leave (especially not with a newborn). If that’s the case, I think OP needs to do a realistic assessment of what is and is not safe for her baby instead of burying her head in the sand and pretending she can safely go to dinner with her friends, or throwing up her hands that she can’t ever keep the baby fully safe so why bother trying.

Agree. Leave. Have him sign over custody rights. Unless you thrive on drama roller coasters with dependent addicts, leave. Is he a high income professional who will fight things in court?

[Anonymous]

If I were your mom, I would stay with you or bring you and the baby home with me. I’m so sorry, OP. I think you need to get out until your husband turns himself around.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to leave him now. He won't be able to take care of a child in the night, or on a hungover morning. It's just not safe in practical terms. These are the dads falling asleep on their kids and smothering them. Seriously.

If he's going to be no good to you as a parent of your child you need to leave and do it on your own or with the help of your parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, OP. I agree that he should not be with you all now. His job now is to get sober so he can be a father. He can't be a father while he's an active addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure he knows that if he doesn’t get treatment, there is no leeway for problem drinking going forward. If he’s not fit to get up with the baby during the night because he’s drunk, that’s it and you leave. Which isn’t to say you have to commit to getting divorced right then; if you leaving is the wake-up call he needs to get treatment and commit to stopping drinking, great.

Also, unfortunately you can’t leave the baby with him alone at a time when he might drink since he clearly doesn’t have control over his consumption. If he’s not a morning drinker and you can get a break then, do it. But you can’t go out with friends in the evening and leave the baby with him since you know he drinks to excess at night when you’re not around.

He’s very new to fatherhood. It’s a big adjustment and comes with pressure to perform. OP can’t assume his drinking habits will remain unchanged.

No a morning drinker may be the lowest bar I’ve ever heard of

I’m the pp who wrote the bolder. I agree that it’s an incredibly low bar. As the child of an alcoholic, I personally think OP should leave now. But u also recognize the realities of the situation, that OP may not be emotionally ready to leave (especially not with a newborn). If that’s the case, I think OP needs to do a realistic assessment of what is and is not safe for her baby instead of burying her head in the sand and pretending she can safely go to dinner with her friends, or throwing up her hands that she can’t ever keep the baby fully safe so why bother trying.

Agree. Leave. Have him sign over custody rights. Unless you thrive on drama roller coasters with dependent addicts, leave. Is he a high income professional who will fight things in court?

Why in the world do you think he would sign away his parental rights?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I’ve dated several alcoholics, and I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. His behavior is unacceptable.

Right now, your focus needs to be on you and your new baby. He is responsible for his own sobriety, not you. So please don’t feel like you need to “force him into treatment” like a Pp said (you can’t force an addict into recovery).

It’s easy to say what you “should” do - leave him - but in reality it’s never that easy or simple. So don’t feel pressured to leave right away, either. But if you want to leave, then absolutely leave. You don’t owe him anything, your priorities need to be yourself and your baby.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is get into Al-Anon. It was a life saver for me. I also found the book series “Getting Them Sober” extremely helpful. And start building up a support system of family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well this is a terrible situation that you are now tethered to forever via the child.

Is his liver close to giving out? Ramp up the life insurance and hope for the best.

Seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure he knows that if he doesn’t get treatment, there is no leeway for problem drinking going forward. If he’s not fit to get up with the baby during the night because he’s drunk, that’s it and you leave. Which isn’t to say you have to commit to getting divorced right then; if you leaving is the wake-up call he needs to get treatment and commit to stopping drinking, great.

Also, unfortunately you can’t leave the baby with him alone at a time when he might drink since he clearly doesn’t have control over his consumption. If he’s not a morning drinker and you can get a break then, do it. But you can’t go out with friends in the evening and leave the baby with him since you know he drinks to excess at night when you’re not around.

He’s very new to fatherhood. It’s a big adjustment and comes with pressure to perform. OP can’t assume his drinking habits will remain unchanged.

No a morning drinker may be the lowest bar I’ve ever heard of

I’m the pp who wrote the bolder. I agree that it’s an incredibly low bar. As the child of an alcoholic, I personally think OP should leave now. But u also recognize the realities of the situation, that OP may not be emotionally ready to leave (especially not with a newborn). If that’s the case, I think OP needs to do a realistic assessment of what is and is not safe for her baby instead of burying her head in the sand and pretending she can safely go to dinner with her friends, or throwing up her hands that she can’t ever keep the baby fully safe so why bother trying.

Not sure I would want to leave a newborn with someone suffering from a vicious hangover.

[Anonymous]

Please divorce now. My BIL is an alcoholic and my SIL has been living a nightmare for the last 18 years. Hateful guy. Doesn't even die. I wish my SIL would have taken the advice and divorced him but she wanted to save her family.

Please divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like another bad movie. Worse than The Maid.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, but you should just get out now.

I have an alcoholic sibling who doesn't think they have a problem. Countless therapy appointments and interventions has taught me that until they acknowledge the problem, they cannot be helped.

My sibling has been to fancy rehabs, court ordered rehabs, inpatient & outpatient rehabs... and none worked because my sibling doesn't think they have a problem.

They have 4 DUIs now (not a felon because 2 were thrown out of court due to mistakes the arresting officers made) and an Interlock in their car. The Interlock was supposed to have come off in September and they got a notice that they'd violated it so it was extend to December. They got another notice this week that they'd violated it again and it will remain on until March. I 100% expect another DUI once it is off.

You do NOT want this as your life. IMO, it's more difficult being the loved one of an alcoholic because 99% of the time they don't know what they're doing and don't care, but we do. We are the ones who get the drunken phone calls that they got kicked out of an Uber and need a ride at 3 am as they walk down a busy road where you can hear cars whizzing by but they can't tell you where they are. Or the call that they fell/got in a fight and are being taken to the hospital but they are too drunk to know which one, so you just have to start calling around to all the local ones to find them.

After lots of therapy, I finally had to cut them out of my life. It was so painful but not as painful as watching them slowly kill themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have any experience with alcoholism, but I do as a new mother. As you decide what you're going to do now, consider that there will be times when you're unbearably tired and sleep deprived. You will be making decisions about your baby's safety under those conditions. I can so easily imagine being desperate for sleep and thinking, "The baby will fine with DH if I just take a 30 minute nap." This would be a completely human (if unwise) reaction, so think through carefully the how your choices now will play out in reality. Don't lean on best case scenarios.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you for the thoughtful comments. I have hired an addiction specialist to help me and hopefully help him. What I do know is that I will not have my home used as a place to support an active addiction, nor will I allow it to be used as an alcoholic detox center. Staying with him is not an option if he continues to refuse treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you for the thoughtful comments. I have hired an addiction specialist to help me and hopefully help him. What I do know is that I will not have my home used as a place to support an active addiction, nor will I allow it to be used as an alcoholic detox center. Staying with him is not an option if he continues to refuse treatment.

Good for you, OP! You are so strong and smart, you can do this. You're clearly doing what's right by your baby. Congrats on your little one, hoping your journey ahead turns bright.