Reply to Husband fell asleep drunk in delivery room

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here:  Thank you to all for your support.  I have asked DH to move out and he is in the process of doing so.  This is such an awful and difficult situation, but I cannot knowingly support an active addiction by allowing DH to stay in the family home, and I must be very careful that I am no enabling this behavior.  Unfortunately, while DH has admitted to being an alcoholic, he is completely self-centered and has only mentioned the ways in which this has impacted HIM!  Absolutely no awareness of how anyone else has been impacted or might feel about his addition. He says he is attending daily counseling sessions and AA meetings, but the addiction specialist said this is not what early and active recovery looks like.  Someone who is in early but active recovery develops humility and a sincere effort to make amends to the people they have hurt. He just blames me and says that I should have allowed him to "get on more stable ground before pulling these moves" on him.[/quote]

One thing that I learned in interacting with alcoholics (family members, friends, colleagues) is the maxim "I don't care how you feel, I care how you behave." It feels very cold, and as a person who is generally very empathetic and warm, that was hard for me. But feelings are soft and are often used to justify toxic and dangerous behavior. What excuse could he possibly have for passing out drunk during the birth of his child? For many people, that alone would be a wakeup call. My husband had struggled with drinking in the past and essentially doesn't drink now, but even when he was drinking problematically, he would have been mortified at doing this. It would have been a sign that the alcohol had such control over him that he was no longer in charge.

I agree that early and active recovery involves a fair amount of humility and amends-making, but what your husband is doing isn't actually "recovery." He is still behaving like the alcoholic he is, whether he's drinking or not. Substance abuse is more than just drinking and smoking. It involves a complicated and interrelated series of lifestyle decisions, behaviors, feelings, relationships, patterns of communication, etc. In order for him to enter the stage of recovery your expert is talking about, he will need to do more than admit he's an alcoholic and go to counseling and AA meetings. It will probably take some time, and the reality is that relapse is common and recovery is hard and he may not actually be ready for recovery yet.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, with a new baby (CONGRATS!). I hope you are getting good support from your community.[/quote]

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