How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't stand up to his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

So you, not so much your DH are excluded from weekday events organized by SAHMs? Do you work? Why would you even go if you don't have a kid? If your DH is working, and you are working, what would be the purpose to invite you? I am totally confused by what you what and what do you find there is to stand up for.

My husband and I both work. We are the only ones in his family who are childfree.

They can organize lunches and other weekday events where, when and as often as they please but it would be nice if they did something at a weekend once in a while so that my husband and I can join in. They know we both work on weekdays.
Perhaps they're not inviting us because we're unavailable during the week but it means we miss out.

[Anonymous]

You sound insufferable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

So you, not so much your DH are excluded from weekday events organized by SAHMs? Do you work? Why would you even go if you don't have a kid? If your DH is working, and you are working, what would be the purpose to invite you? I am totally confused by what you what and what do you find there is to stand up for.

My husband and I both work. We are the only ones in his family who are childfree.

They can organize lunches and other weekday events where, when and as often as they please but it would be nice if they did something at a weekend once in a while so that my husband and I can join in. They know we both work on weekdays.
Perhaps they're not inviting us because we're unavailable during the week but it means we miss out.

Here is the thing, op. What you want is nuts. They organize things during the week, bcs they are SAHPs. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. The reasoning that they should think of you when scheduling their playdates and even kidless lunches is not a normal thinking process. Nobody does that. This is not snubbing you behavior. This is their own schedule and not a single person would think that this is any kind of affront to you and your dh.
Hence you DH has no reason, at least when it comes to this part, to "stand up" to them.
You did post that you are invited to all other larger family gatherings. They like their weekends so they can spend them with the working spouse. You are not their priority. Their kids and their working spouses are.
I am so stunned that a working person that has no kids is offended that her SILs get together during the weekday, and should make an effort to invite you over the weekend.
Here is a suggestion, invite them to your place, or invite them out for lunch. If you want to make these things happen, take action instead of moping around on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Op, have some kids and get busy. You have too much free time on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, have some kids and get busy. You have too much free time on your hands.

Oh gross! Do not do that. Somehow we all know OP knows better than that! 😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have some kids and get busy. You have too much free time on your hands.

Oh gross! Do not do that. Somehow we all know OP knows better than that! 😁

She can’t complain about the grandkids college gifts if she doesn’t make her own. 😜

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spends an unholy amount of time with my clingy in-laws, you sound INSANE. Why the heck do you want to burn Saturdays on lunch with your in-laws?!

This must all be a cover story for the siblings getting money for stuff (kids tuition while you’re child free?) while you pay your own way. It just makes no sense otherwise.

OP again.
The sister in law who asked me years ago if her pregnancy bothered me because she thought we weren't able to have children, has a kid who is receiving money towards college fees from MIL. My husband's sister and her spouse are not poor. They have multiple properties they rent out.

Then have a kid so you, too, can get those sweet sweet contributions toward college tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

What on earth are you upset about? If my anoints didn’t work on weekdays and wanted to have lunch with my mom, why wouldn’t spouse be offended by that?

You have something wrong with you, OP. You are creating offense where there is none. You are manufacturing drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have sussed it out before marriage and not married him. I'm super confrontational and won't stand for someone who won't back me up.

This is OP again.
It wasn't apparent when we were dating or after we got engaged. I actually had and still have a good relationship with his mother. His dad (deceased) and I got on like a house on fire. His mom is a real lady, very old school, but she is elderly and she now lets her children rule the family. The people I was referring to are my husband's siblings and their spouses.

My husband is a decent, kind and hard working man, but where his siblings and their families are concerned he finds it easier to just go with the flow or give in and keep the peace.
By contrast, in his job he leads a team and he is known to be consistent, decisive and strict, but fair. He doesn't shy away from confrontation with his co-workers or his bosses at all. He is also a good speaker and he can address an audience. He is not timid.

My family of origin is different from his. A lot of my family members are quite vocal and direct (confrontational but not rude), as opposed to the passive aggressive treatment we sometimes get from my husband's family. It's a subtle form of passive aggressive behaviour and it's only noticeable to someone who is part of the family, if this makes any sense. To the outside world they're all charming, entertaining and well spoken.

As an example, one of his sisters' attitude changed once she got married and had the first grandchild in the family. She went from a normal, friendly sister in law to a super competitive woman who always wants to be queen bee. Her husband is not much better and they have form for not including us in certain family events.

I don't know how my husband puts up with them. I know he can be assertive and confrontational when he wants to.

Seems to me you are addicted to drama and creating it when there is none.
Your example of your SIL shows that she is very considerate and did not want to possibly upset you or cause hurt feelings. You too that as she has an attitude of holier than though??
In fact, my SIL and my close cousin, got pregnant just a bit after me, so we were pregnant at the same time, I was two months ahead of them. Both of them said something similar to me, hey, I hope you don't mind me being pregnant...bit in a way, they were on their second and enjoyed the spot light of their first pregnancy, and I was pregnant with my first child, and didn't want to "steal" the spotlight...
LOL. I never even once thought of any of these things, but thinking about them thinking about my feelings, regardless of me not having any such feelings, made me feel special!
Nor did I think, wow, they think I am needy or something. I am not, they know I am not. But, they are very much into emotional well being themselves and thought of me.
Never once did I think they had holier than though attitude.
Why are you so insecure op?

OMG asking someone when you are both pregnant if you are ok with it is completely different to being pregnant and then asking someone if they are suffering from infertility and if they have issues with you being pregnant.

How can you not see that? That's not being insecure and having empathy is understanding that people will bring that subject up with you if they want to, empathy is not forcing that conversation on someone, especially someone you are not that close with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

so you want them not to meet during the workday because you are not available? What the what?

I read it that OP would like it if they occasionally had something on the weekend so OP and her husband could be included. It is excluding them a little when they then don't make an effort during other family events to talk to them. The sibling relationships don't sound that close.

Op all I can suggest is to plan a lunch on the weekend and invite the siblings. Do this every now and again and see how it goes. If other siblings are SAHM then its natural they will get together throughout the week and you shouldn't think much about this. Any money going to grandchildren is none of your business and is not unfairness.

I dare say that because you have chosen a different sort of lifestyle to them, they may feel out of touch with you so when you see them, ask heaps about their kids etc, if they continue to be cold or are unable to show interest in your life, well there isn't much you can do but build your own support networks and drop the rope with them, keep it superficial and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have sussed it out before marriage and not married him. I'm super confrontational and won't stand for someone who won't back me up.

This is OP again.
It wasn't apparent when we were dating or after we got engaged. I actually had and still have a good relationship with his mother. His dad (deceased) and I got on like a house on fire. His mom is a real lady, very old school, but she is elderly and she now lets her children rule the family. The people I was referring to are my husband's siblings and their spouses.

My husband is a decent, kind and hard working man, but where his siblings and their families are concerned he finds it easier to just go with the flow or give in and keep the peace.
By contrast, in his job he leads a team and he is known to be consistent, decisive and strict, but fair. He doesn't shy away from confrontation with his co-workers or his bosses at all. He is also a good speaker and he can address an audience. He is not timid.

My family of origin is different from his. A lot of my family members are quite vocal and direct (confrontational but not rude), as opposed to the passive aggressive treatment we sometimes get from my husband's family. It's a subtle form of passive aggressive behaviour and it's only noticeable to someone who is part of the family, if this makes any sense. To the outside world they're all charming, entertaining and well spoken.

As an example, one of his sisters' attitude changed once she got married and had the first grandchild in the family. She went from a normal, friendly sister in law to a super competitive woman who always wants to be queen bee. Her husband is not much better and they have form for not including us in certain family events.

I don't know how my husband puts up with them. I know he can be assertive and confrontational when he wants to.

Seems to me you are addicted to drama and creating it when there is none.
Your example of your SIL shows that she is very considerate and did not want to possibly upset you or cause hurt feelings. You too that as she has an attitude of holier than though??
In fact, my SIL and my close cousin, got pregnant just a bit after me, so we were pregnant at the same time, I was two months ahead of them. Both of them said something similar to me, hey, I hope you don't mind me being pregnant...bit in a way, they were on their second and enjoyed the spot light of their first pregnancy, and I was pregnant with my first child, and didn't want to "steal" the spotlight...
LOL. I never even once thought of any of these things, but thinking about them thinking about my feelings, regardless of me not having any such feelings, made me feel special!
Nor did I think, wow, they think I am needy or something. I am not, they know I am not. But, they are very much into emotional well being themselves and thought of me.
Never once did I think they had holier than though attitude.

Why are you so insecure op?

OMG asking someone when you are both pregnant if you are ok with it is completely different to being pregnant and then asking someone if they are suffering from infertility and if they have issues with you being pregnant.

How can you not see that? That's not being insecure and having empathy is understanding that people will bring that subject up with you if they want to, empathy is not forcing that conversation on someone, especially someone you are not that close with.

Well, nobody can see that other than you. I suppose not too many narcissists on this thread? Other that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

so you want them not to meet during the workday because you are not available? What the what?

I read it that OP would like it if they occasionally had something on the weekend so OP and her husband could be included. It is excluding them a little when they then don't make an effort during other family events to talk to them. The sibling relationships don't sound that close.

Op all I can suggest is to plan a lunch on the weekend and invite the siblings. Do this every now and again and see how it goes. If other siblings are SAHM then its natural they will get together throughout the week and you shouldn't think much about this. Any money going to grandchildren is none of your business and is not unfairness.

I dare say that because you have chosen a different sort of lifestyle to them, they may feel out of touch with you so when you see them, ask heaps about their kids etc, if they continue to be cold or are unable to show interest in your life, well there isn't much you can do but build your own support networks and drop the rope with them, keep it superficial and that's it.

This is the OP once again.
You get it, thanks. You may be right that my SAHM SILs feel out of touch with us. We kind of feel out of touch with them too. We have a different lifestyle to them, and we have different timetables.

The age difference between my husband and his siblings may play a role. They are all between 7 and 12 years younger than him.

My husband is friendly with his siblings but he doesn't feel a close connection. One of his sisters works in performing arts and she is very theatrical in the way she behaves, even with close family. My husband thinks this is over the top and unnecessary.

We are childfree by choice and, even if we wanted to become parents, that ship has sailed. We're too old now.

Some posters made comments about money. DH and I are financially comfortable and we don't need money from MIL, thanks. We invested our own money wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

so you want them not to meet during the workday because you are not available? What the what?

I read it that OP would like it if they occasionally had something on the weekend so OP and her husband could be included. It is excluding them a little when they then don't make an effort during other family events to talk to them. The sibling relationships don't sound that close.

Op all I can suggest is to plan a lunch on the weekend and invite the siblings. Do this every now and again and see how it goes. If other siblings are SAHM then its natural they will get together throughout the week and you shouldn't think much about this. Any money going to grandchildren is none of your business and is not unfairness.

I dare say that because you have chosen a different sort of lifestyle to them, they may feel out of touch with you so when you see them, ask heaps about their kids etc, if they continue to be cold or are unable to show interest in your life, well there isn't much you can do but build your own support networks and drop the rope with them, keep it superficial and that's it.

This is the OP once again.
You get it, thanks. You may be right that my SAHM SILs feel out of touch with us. We kind of feel out of touch with them too. We have a different lifestyle to them, and we have different timetables.

The age difference between my husband and his siblings may play a role. They are all between 7 and 12 years younger than him.

My husband is friendly with his siblings but he doesn't feel a close connection. One of his sisters works in performing arts and she is very theatrical in the way she behaves, even with close family. My husband thinks this is over the top and unnecessary.

We are childfree by choice and, even if we wanted to become parents, that ship has sailed. We're too old now.
You are the one who brought up the college money in a completely disjointed update rant.

Some posters made comments about money. DH and I are financially comfortable and we don't need money from MIL, thanks. We invested our own money wisely.

[Anonymous]

You are the one who brought up the college money in a completely disjointed update rant.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. Been married 20 plus years and dealt with this exact s—t. Just couple of years ago DH was finally able to understand his family’s behavior towards me and our children. He sort of confronted them only because my sil wrongly accused me of something. But did my in-laws behavior change so much? Not really. I have come to the realization that big families and especially if someone is divorced (mil or sil is divorced) turn out to be terrible in laws . Mainly because they themselves are going through so much that they could care less about their relationship with you. To them you are a nuisance who took away financial and emotional support from them by marrying their son or brother. If you were not in the picture they could have the financial and emotional support from their sons or brother as they are able to better manipulate them.