How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't stand up to his family?
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Anonymous
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In a nutshell, my husband is a lovely guy but he dislikes confronting his family and he tends to put up with their bad or unfair behaviour towards me or him. This could mean anything from not inviting us/me to family get togethers or trips, them trying to act superior to us (words or actions), sometimes ignoring us at family gatherings or trying to boss him around. Usually it's passive aggressive type behaviour.
Husband is the eldest of the children. They don't behave like this all the time, but it's definitely part of their DNA. I get it, he's a peace loving guy and he doesn't like to rock the boat. For him it's 'easier' to ignore things, or concentrate on something else. He sometimes tries to defend them, or he tries to find a plausible explanation for their behaviour, even if he agrees their behaviour wasn't great. Or he asks me 'so what are YOU going to do about it'? If this sounds familiar to you, how do you deal? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he deals with them the way he deals with you |
Anonymous
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Honestly, I don’t do anything for his family anymore. He’s irrational where they are concerned, it the only thing we ever fight about and his behavior is so ingrained that it will never change at this point. If they lived nearby we’d probably be divorced. So I no longer ask about them, I make no effort to remind him of birthdays/holidays, I don’t suggest times that would be good for visits, I don’t do any of the logistics of us visiting them or them visiting us, and I try, as much as feasible, to not be around when they come to visit and to schedule work trips when a visit to them is scheduled.
Otherwise, it’s just a nightmare for me. Nothing I do is good enough. Put out coffee in the morning? “Where is the bold roast, we don’t like breakfast blend.” Next visit, remember the preference, make bold roast, “We only like medium roast, why did you serve us bold?” That’s just a tiny example but it was every single thing, like they were purposely setting me up for failure and intentionally demanding something different. One time I asked them to write down all their preferences, then got all the requested brands/items for the next visit, and upon their arrival was informed they were now not eating carbs when the previous list included Raisin Bran, Fritos, lunch meats, etc. I can’t imagine going to someone’s house and telling them everything they offer me is wrong, from the color of the towels to the type of coffee to the car they own to the size of the tv they have. |
Anonymous
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This is hard, a major red-flag during dating stage if he can't stand up to his family.
If he won't do it, then it sounds like he's giving you permission to; or as PP said, avoid his family as much as you can. |
Anonymous
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This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family. My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'. One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married. By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids. She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any. We are childless by choice ... It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me. |
Anonymous
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You need to reframe this “thank goodness my crappy in-laws I don’t enjoy didn’t invite us on that vacation,
Dodged a bullet there!” would be a much more productive route for you. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. OP, the direction you're going in with bean-counting and grudge-holding seems pointless. Be happy you don't live near them. Be happy they don't invite you to stuff. Unless you crave negativity, don't have a lot of contact with these people. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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OP, not as bad of a situation, but I was your husband.
I started therapy for other reasons and during that process realized that my relationship with my family wasn't a healthy one. It has taken some time and it hasn't been easy but I am now setting boundaries properly with my family and standing up to them more appropriately. Is it possible to get your DH to meet with a therapist to discuss the dynamic that he has with his family? |
Anonymous
| I'd have sussed it out before marriage and not married him. I'm super confrontational and won't stand for someone who won't back me up. |
Anonymous
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What good would it do to confront them? You think they're going to say "oh yes you're right we are @ssholes and will reform our conduct immediately"?
Sounds like he actually has a healthy relationship with them, in which he intuitively knows he can't change what they do, only how he reacts to it. And he's trying to help you see that too, asking "well what are YOU going to do about it [since it's obvious that confrontation won't change people?]" |
Anonymous
| I am 20 years in and still dealing with this. This behavior was evident at the beginning and I assumed it would get better when we got married. It hasn't. Lessened ever so slightly, but barely. I have told my children what a HUGE red flag this is and to avoid partners with this problem. |
Anonymous
LOL. + many. Don't be petty OP. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you... |
Anonymous
| My thing is I don't understand why people wait until marriage to have these types of discussions? If a man isn't sticking up for you against his family why would he magically start after marriage? For me, that's the purpose of dating to see if this is a man that has a backbone and can put me and our relationship first if not he isn't the one for me. |
Anonymous
If you don't have children, please don't and move on. It will never change and will only get worse when your ILs continue with their crappy behavior but it's directed at your children and your DH does nothing. |