How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't stand up to his family?

[Anonymous]

What exactly is confrontational but not rude?
Seems to me you think your family if awesome but his passive aggressive family is terrible.
Why is one better or worse than the other?
Take this advice op as it is freely given, you can't change people, and you should stop trying to do so. You should stop trying to change your DH or your or his family. The only person that will end up miserable is you.
You will be cause more emotional harm to your, to your marriage and you will not actually change anyone.
Only ever worry about things you can control. Such as, I realize his family and DH are like this. Then, say this, rather than try and change them, I will work on not getting myself upset over these trivial things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

Sounds to me like she’s trying to be nice and consider your feelings. I think you like to make trouble where there is none.

Nah. She's ridiculous and insecure and was "trying" to do nothing more than be a snotty B.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

Maybe your husband just doesn’t like these people enough to want to be included. You need to stop wanting to force this. I am not super close with my family. We are “fine” but not close. Every time my husband tries to force more closeness so we are like his family, it does nothing but piss me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

Maybe your husband just doesn’t like these people enough to want to be included. You need to stop wanting to force this. I am not super close with my family. We are “fine” but not close. Every time my husband tries to force more closeness so we are like his family, it does nothing but piss me off.

This is OP.
My husband is on friendly terms with his siblings but they're not super close. As I said earlier he doesn't go out of his way to form a stronger relationship with them. He likes them, but he thinks he doesn't have that much in common with them.

He is close to his mother though.

On a practical level they could organize these family gatherings at weekends, when we are all available and my husband and could join in. My husband doesn't want to take time off work during the week for lunches out with his mom and his siblings. They see each other more frequently than we see them.
When we do get together at larger family events his siblings and their spouses don't really talk to us much, apart from the usual social niceties.

[Anonymous]

As someone who spends an unholy amount of time with my clingy in-laws, you sound INSANE. Why the heck do you want to burn Saturdays on lunch with your in-laws?!

This must all be a cover story for the siblings getting money for stuff (kids tuition while you’re child free?) while you pay your own way. It just makes no sense otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spends an unholy amount of time with my clingy in-laws, you sound INSANE. Why the heck do you want to burn Saturdays on lunch with your in-laws?!

This must all be a cover story for the siblings getting money for stuff (kids tuition while you’re child free?) while you pay your own way. It just makes no sense otherwise.

OP again.
The sister in law who asked me years ago if her pregnancy bothered me because she thought we weren't able to have children, has a kid who is receiving money towards college fees from MIL. My husband's sister and her spouse are not poor. They have multiple properties they rent out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spends an unholy amount of time with my clingy in-laws, you sound INSANE. Why the heck do you want to burn Saturdays on lunch with your in-laws?!

This must all be a cover story for the siblings getting money for stuff (kids tuition while you’re child free?) while you pay your own way. It just makes no sense otherwise.

OP again.
The sister in law who asked me years ago if her pregnancy bothered me because she thought we weren't able to have children, has a kid who is receiving money towards college fees from MIL. My husband's sister and her spouse are not poor. They have multiple properties they rent out.

Gotcha. So PP is right. You're pissed DH isn't closer to them because you think there is a monetary gain. Leave your poor husband alone. He seems fine with how things are. You're just obnoxious

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DH stand up for himself and you in other contexts? Can you just disengage from his family as much as possible and let it be?
I don't care for DH's family, so I basically just disengaged and let DH have whatever relationship he wants and needs with them. DH's mom flies out once a year to see our kids, and she's great about sending holiday and birthday cards and we reciprocate to her, but that's about it. I hear about his siblings and our nieces and nephews here and there through my MIL, and we see each other at weddings and funerals. We're close with my family and our local friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

Pretty sure you're the problem OP. You're too easily offended and also maybe searching for a way to generate drama. SIL's questions may have been a little awkward but sounds like she was well-meaning. It was nice of her to think about whether something was going on with infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

Agree with PP 100%.

You really are looking for trouble, OP. Sure DH's sister has said or implied some off the wall things to you in the past. But that doesn't mean you have a weak spouse who 'doesn't stand up to his family'. It just means you have no ability to let things roll off your back and you like to create conflict. Be better.

OP here.

I found her comment patronizing at the time. She is not a bad person but she has a patronizing side to her. My husband thinks this too. He is friendly with his siblings but he doesn't go out of his way to nurture his relationship with them. They are different in personality from my husband. As the eldest of the children my husband is the 'sensible' one and the only one with a full-time, steady job. The others are either married to high earning spouses and don't work, or they move in bohemian circles my husband can't relate to.

In any case, it doesn't explain why DH and I sometimes get excluded from family events. With this, I mean small, casual events organized by his siblings, usually with their mom present.
We do get invited to big family gatherings, like milestone birthdays, family reunions, etc.

Hmmm ... do you actually wonder why you get excluded? Think!

BTW - SIL may have a foible of putting her foot in her mouth or sounding patronizing. That's cause to roll your eyes privately or maybe develop some ways to steer the conversation. But it's not some kind of giant offense you need to get confrontational about . People have flaws. And in-laws especially don't always have the best chemistry, so those flaws can become amplified in your mind. Just let it roll off your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

so you want them not to meet during the workday because you are not available? What the what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spends an unholy amount of time with my clingy in-laws, you sound INSANE. Why the heck do you want to burn Saturdays on lunch with your in-laws?!

This must all be a cover story for the siblings getting money for stuff (kids tuition while you’re child free?) while you pay your own way. It just makes no sense otherwise.

OP again.
The sister in law who asked me years ago if her pregnancy bothered me because she thought we weren't able to have children, has a kid who is receiving money towards college fees from MIL. My husband's sister and her spouse are not poor. They have multiple properties they rent out.

What? I don't understand what this has to do with anything! If you were bothered that she thought you couldn't have kids, what does the kid who gets money from MIL have to do with your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?

These were small events just for family. On a few occasions my husband was the only one of the children not to be invited.
By confrontation I don't mean being rude or demanding. He could have casually asked if we could join them.

They sometimes organize these small events on a weekday. My husband works full time from Monday to Friday so he can't take time off work for family gatherings during the week. It's usually a lunch at home or out, a celebration or other. The others are either SAHMs, or they have a more flexible timetable.

So you, not so much your DH are excluded from weekday events organized by SAHMs? Do you work? Why would you even go if you don't have a kid? If your DH is working, and you are working, what would be the purpose to invite you? I am totally confused by what you what and what do you find there is to stand up for.

[Anonymous]

I would be dancing down the street if my in-laws stopped insisting we attend all their innumerable family events.