How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't stand up to his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have sussed it out before marriage and not married him. I'm super confrontational and won't stand for someone who won't back me up.

This is OP again.
It wasn't apparent when we were dating or after we got engaged. I actually had and still have a good relationship with his mother. His dad (deceased) and I got on like a house on fire. His mom is a real lady, very old school, but she is elderly and she now lets her children rule the family. The people I was referring to are my husband's siblings and their spouses.

My husband is a decent, kind and hard working man, but where his siblings and their families are concerned he finds it easier to just go with the flow or give in and keep the peace.
By contrast, in his job he leads a team and he is known to be consistent, decisive and strict, but fair. He doesn't shy away from confrontation with his co-workers or his bosses at all. He is also a good speaker and he can address an audience. He is not timid.

My family of origin is different from his. A lot of my family members are quite vocal and direct (confrontational but not rude), as opposed to the passive aggressive treatment we sometimes get from my husband's family. It's a subtle form of passive aggressive behaviour and it's only noticeable to someone who is part of the family, if this makes any sense. To the outside world they're all charming, entertaining and well spoken.

As an example, one of his sisters' attitude changed once she got married and had the first grandchild in the family. She went from a normal, friendly sister in law to a super competitive woman who always wants to be queen bee. Her husband is not much better and they have form for not including us in certain family events.

I don't know how my husband puts up with them. I know he can be assertive and confrontational when he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thing is I don't understand why people wait until marriage to have these types of discussions? If a man isn't sticking up for you against his family why would he magically start after marriage? For me, that's the purpose of dating to see if this is a man that has a backbone and can put me and our relationship first if not he isn't the one for me.

Not the OP, but we did not live together before marriage so I never saw the day to day interaction when they visited, they didn’t stay with my now husband either because he was always in group houses as was I until we got our first apartment together. I didn’t hear the conversations where they basically berate him and tell him how wrong he is about everything. Since they live across the country, we didn’t see them often. I think prior to marriage I had met them…..maybe 5 times? Then we got married and after we bought our first house, everything really went to hell in a hand basket. It was manageable when they didn’t stay with us, but the moment they could, I got the full brunt of everything. There were some red flags as we planned the wedding, but I mistakenly wrote that off as their first child getting married and it being across the country from where they live. I was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to reframe this “thank goodness my crappy in-laws I don’t enjoy didn’t invite us on that vacation,
Dodged a bullet there!” would be a much more productive route for you.

This. I remember my DH telling me that he can't change his parents, they are who they are. Which in a lot of ways is correct. In some ways its being too passive. I now stand up for myself if I need to however I dropped the rope many years ago. I rarely see them, we don't go on vacation with them, we don't even go have dinner with them and have since moved away from them. However over time my attitude changed to this, thank goodness they don't want me around because my life is so much easier that way.

I have to laugh about your SIL. My sister said the same thing when she had a baby and I didn't. What is up with that, asking if you are jealous, it must be part of the competitive craziness, I still don't really understand it to this day but my sister was also the one who liked to be the queen bee, standing in the lime light, trying to one up, I guess they think having children is doing just that, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

Agree with PP 100%.

You really are looking for trouble, OP. Sure DH's sister has said or implied some off the wall things to you in the past. But that doesn't mean you have a weak spouse who 'doesn't stand up to his family'. It just means you have no ability to let things roll off your back and you like to create conflict. Be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

Agree with PP 100%.

You really are looking for trouble, OP. Sure DH's sister has said or implied some off the wall things to you in the past. But that doesn't mean you have a weak spouse who 'doesn't stand up to his family'. It just means you have no ability to let things roll off your back and you like to create conflict. Be better.

Actually its incredibly rude to ask people if they are suffering from infertility especially when you aren't that close. How many people have you enquired about the state of their uterus or fertility. It is amazing you think this is a common topic of conversation for women to have, its personal and most people know to mind their own business.

The best people well nice people ask is are you going to have children, asking beyond that is really intrusive and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

Agree with PP 100%.

You really are looking for trouble, OP. Sure DH's sister has said or implied some off the wall things to you in the past. But that doesn't mean you have a weak spouse who 'doesn't stand up to his family'. It just means you have no ability to let things roll off your back and you like to create conflict. Be better.

OP here.

I found her comment patronizing at the time. She is not a bad person but she has a patronizing side to her. My husband thinks this too. He is friendly with his siblings but he doesn't go out of his way to nurture his relationship with them. They are different in personality from my husband. As the eldest of the children my husband is the 'sensible' one and the only one with a full-time, steady job. The others are either married to high earning spouses and don't work, or they move in bohemian circles my husband can't relate to.

In any case, it doesn't explain why DH and I sometimes get excluded from family events. With this, I mean small, casual events organized by his siblings, usually with their mom present.
We do get invited to big family gatherings, like milestone birthdays, family reunions, etc.

[Anonymous]

I totally get that you don’t like these people. And the whole pregnancy discussion was obnoxious. But honestly, there is nothing for your husband “to do” here. It sounds like he is fine being left out of smaller events his siblings organize. Perhaps you should be fine with this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

Sounds to me like she’s trying to be nice and consider your feelings. I think you like to make trouble where there is none.

[Anonymous]

So, you way of dealing with things is to confront everything and everyone?
What exactly is he avoiding though? Making a scene? Forcing his parents to include him in events? To what end?
Why would he want to confront people that did not invite him somewhere about inviting him?
He is way smarter than you, he knows he can't change them and he tried to be at peace with it.
You sound just like his family. Nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

You are far too sensitive and self absorbed. There is nothing wrong with her showing empathy in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have sussed it out before marriage and not married him. I'm super confrontational and won't stand for someone who won't back me up.

This is OP again.
It wasn't apparent when we were dating or after we got engaged. I actually had and still have a good relationship with his mother. His dad (deceased) and I got on like a house on fire. His mom is a real lady, very old school, but she is elderly and she now lets her children rule the family. The people I was referring to are my husband's siblings and their spouses.

My husband is a decent, kind and hard working man, but where his siblings and their families are concerned he finds it easier to just go with the flow or give in and keep the peace.
By contrast, in his job he leads a team and he is known to be consistent, decisive and strict, but fair. He doesn't shy away from confrontation with his co-workers or his bosses at all. He is also a good speaker and he can address an audience. He is not timid.

My family of origin is different from his. A lot of my family members are quite vocal and direct (confrontational but not rude), as opposed to the passive aggressive treatment we sometimes get from my husband's family. It's a subtle form of passive aggressive behaviour and it's only noticeable to someone who is part of the family, if this makes any sense. To the outside world they're all charming, entertaining and well spoken.

As an example, one of his sisters' attitude changed once she got married and had the first grandchild in the family. She went from a normal, friendly sister in law to a super competitive woman who always wants to be queen bee. Her husband is not much better and they have form for not including us in certain family events.

I don't know how my husband puts up with them. I know he can be assertive and confrontational when he wants to.

Seems to me you are addicted to drama and creating it when there is none.
Your example of your SIL shows that she is very considerate and did not want to possibly upset you or cause hurt feelings. You too that as she has an attitude of holier than though??
In fact, my SIL and my close cousin, got pregnant just a bit after me, so we were pregnant at the same time, I was two months ahead of them. Both of them said something similar to me, hey, I hope you don't mind me being pregnant...bit in a way, they were on their second and enjoyed the spot light of their first pregnancy, and I was pregnant with my first child, and didn't want to "steal" the spotlight...
LOL. I never even once thought of any of these things, but thinking about them thinking about my feelings, regardless of me not having any such feelings, made me feel special!
Nor did I think, wow, they think I am needy or something. I am not, they know I am not. But, they are very much into emotional well being themselves and thought of me.
Never once did I think they had holier than though attitude.
Why are you so insecure op?

[Anonymous]

They don’t have to invite you to anything. Stop keeping score and keeping track. It’s their time; they can spend it how they wish. You are not entitled to control their plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.
My husband's family are not 'bad' people. They never shout or swear, or argue in public. They're not obnoxious. My husband comes from a stable family who are financially secure. All children went to expensive private schools. However for some reason we often get treated like we're on the periphery of his family.

My husband's usual explanation is 'that's the way they are'.

One of his sisters is very competitive. I remember a conversation between her and me years ago. I remember it because it is so typical of her. At the time she was pregnant with her first child (and the first grandchild in the family). She got pregnant almost straight after getting married.
By that time DH and I had been married for about 2 years, but had no kids.
She and I had met for lunch. She asked if her pregnancy didn't bother me. I said no, why would it bother me. She answered, well as you and my brother don't have kids yet, I thought maybe you've been trying and you can't have any.
We are childless by choice ...

It's the holier than thou, superior attitude that gets to me.

I don’t understand why the sister’s question triggered you so much. Sounds like she was trying to understand and be sensitive if her pregnancy was difficult on the two of you. Are you sure, OP, you’re not looking for reasons to be offended? You don’t have to read something into every little comment.

I was thinking the same thing. OP: she was being sensitive. Sorry, but it sounds like the problems actually lie with you, not them.

[Anonymous]

What is there to be gained by confronting people that excluded you from events?
Other than looking like sad pathetic losers?