Girlfriend Won’t Take Advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

I assure you that even if there were compelling factors to justify the renovation, OP would never admit it because he is more invested in being right than in having a healthy relationship with his girlfriend.

Bull shit! You are just one of the certain type of women who posts here who makes out the woman to be right and the victim at all costs

Her behavior is completely inappropriate. Yes ops communication may need fine-tuning, but that doesn't excuse the girlfriend who is out of line and needs to grow up

No, you’re not sexist at all. “the certain type of women”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

I assure you that even if there were compelling factors to justify the renovation, OP would never admit it because he is more invested in being right than in having a healthy relationship with his girlfriend.

Bull shit! You are just one of the certain type of women who posts here who makes out the woman to be right and the victim at all costs

Her behavior is completely inappropriate. Yes ops communication may need fine-tuning, but that doesn't excuse the girlfriend who is out of line and needs to grow up

She’s completely out of line for wanting to make her own decisions about her own home? Do you hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

The GF certainly can and should make her own decisions. But OP is getting a preview of what’s to come if he combines forces with this person, and it doesn’t bode well for him. Unless of course he wants financial and emotional drama, which it sounds like he doesn’t. I’m female btw.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing that OP you are approaching this as if you are being asked to share in the decision when really what your GF is looking for is a sounding board. She feels confident to in her deciding to do these renovations and probably assumed she could weigh options with you/your father - as she’s identified you both as having some experience she values. What I think you are not doing is seeing her as capable from the start. She’s clearly not still deciding IF she’s doing this work but you approach this as if there’s still time to stop her. You can have all the opinions in the world but it really doesn’t sound like she asked you to weigh in on the one thing she didn’t ask you about. I find it really insulting that you and your father feel that kind of ownership in how she conducts her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand. You’re giving her advice. She doesn’t take the advice. But she’s also mad you aren’t giving her advice?

OP here. She asked for my advice, I told her what my dad said about it being a waste of money, and then she decided to do it anyway. She will ask my advice on colors, etc., and then get annoyed when I tell her I like something different. When I told her I’m not giving her anymore advice, she got mad and said I’m unsupportive.

For the first example of your dad saying something was a waste of money... You can't really fault her for coming to her own conclusion. You and your dad were just PART of her decision making process. She is still free to make her own decisions. Getting huffy about that makes you seem arrogant.

As for your second example of her getting annoyed because you liked something different, what do you mean?

Saying you won't give her advice anymore can come off as "oh poor me, nobody listens to me, I guess I must be worthless." It's obnoxious.

OP here. My dad is trying to save her money. She wants to do two nice bathrooms but she will not the get the money back when she sells. She plans to fully rip one out and put in a standing bathtub and separate shower. For a condo in the $300k range, she will not get her money back. There is a thing as making designs too nice for the price. She has decided to do it anyway even though my dad told her she is not likely to get her money back.

She will ask about samples and I tell her all to pick the cheaper option because paying top price won’t get her money back. She gets mad and goes with the other one.

I don’t care what she does. Its her property. I do get annoyed when she asks for my advice and then gets mad when I don’t agree with her. I told her last time she asked that I’m not giving anymore advice because she gets mad at me. She told me I was being unsupportive.

She has been complaining about all the work she had to do and how hard the process it is. When I try to give her advice, she gets mad.

I’m just tired of it. She’s putting way too much into a condo that she will never get her money back. She needs to stop complaining because it’s her choice.

I re read OP’s post. There is nothing insulting in this. The GF wants top dollar when she sells; ultimately that’s what’s she has invited OPs advice for. She might get top dollar by doing it her way, but sound like she won’t have any profit and might actually lose money. OP has the guts to not be a yes man; he’s pointing this out so that she can achieve what is presumably her unlitmate goal here, which is the realize the highest return on this sale. OP has done his part, and any further dickering over price points for water faucets is fruitless. I think OP has been reasonable on all accounts, including shutting down further debate because the question has already been asked and answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing that OP you are approaching this as if you are being asked to share in the decision when really what your GF is looking for is a sounding board. She feels confident to in her deciding to do these renovations and probably assumed she could weigh options with you/your father - as she’s identified you both as having some experience she values. What I think you are not doing is seeing her as capable from the start. She’s clearly not still deciding IF she’s doing this work but you approach this as if there’s still time to stop her. You can have all the opinions in the world but it really doesn’t sound like she asked you to weigh in on the one thing she didn’t ask you about. I find it really insulting that you and your father feel that kind of ownership in how she conducts her business.

Dollars to donuts if he kept his mouth shut and she doesn’t recoup her money, she would blame him for not sufficiently warning her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have this problem but we are happy and will not breakup. We normally never fight and are very compatible. This is just one issue that has come up that has really been a problem. She wants to make top dollar out of selling the food to pay the rest of her SL debt off, but age is not being realistic. You don’t put marble and a standing tub with a new shower in a $300k something condo and expect to recoup that money. She will end up losing most of the money. The condo is nice and really doesn’t need anything to be done. She can do simple things like change hardware, paint, or tile the floor for a couple grand. It’s not really needed. It’s not only me that she has been complaining to or get mad at when we won’t listen. She has been told this by my dad, her family, a realtor friend, her realtor, and myself. I really don’t want it to become a big thing and ruin our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have this problem but we are happy and will not breakup. We normally never fight and are very compatible. This is just one issue that has come up that has really been a problem. She wants to make top dollar out of selling the food to pay the rest of her SL debt off, but age is not being realistic. You don’t put marble and a standing tub with a new shower in a $300k something condo and expect to recoup that money. She will end up losing most of the money. The condo is nice and really doesn’t need anything to be done. She can do simple things like change hardware, paint, or tile the floor for a couple grand. It’s not really needed. It’s not only me that she has been complaining to or get mad at when we won’t listen. She has been told this by my dad, her family, a realtor friend, her realtor, and myself. I really don’t want it to become a big thing and ruin our relationship.

Then don’t make it a big thing. The money is hers to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have this problem but we are happy and will not breakup. We normally never fight and are very compatible. This is just one issue that has come up that has really been a problem. She wants to make top dollar out of selling the food to pay the rest of her SL debt off, but age is not being realistic. You don’t put marble and a standing tub with a new shower in a $300k something condo and expect to recoup that money. She will end up losing most of the money. The condo is nice and really doesn’t need anything to be done. She can do simple things like change hardware, paint, or tile the floor for a couple grand. It’s not really needed. It’s not only me that she has been complaining to or get mad at when we won’t listen. She has been told this by my dad, her family, a realtor friend, her realtor, and myself. I really don’t want it to become a big thing and ruin our relationship.

Then don’t make it a big thing. The money is hers to lose.

Is it though? They are combining households, so that will affect their future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have this problem but we are happy and will not breakup. We normally never fight and are very compatible. This is just one issue that has come up that has really been a problem. She wants to make top dollar out of selling the food to pay the rest of her SL debt off, but age is not being realistic. You don’t put marble and a standing tub with a new shower in a $300k something condo and expect to recoup that money. She will end up losing most of the money. The condo is nice and really doesn’t need anything to be done. She can do simple things like change hardware, paint, or tile the floor for a couple grand. It’s not really needed. It’s not only me that she has been complaining to or get mad at when we won’t listen. She has been told this by my dad, her family, a realtor friend, her realtor, and myself. I really don’t want it to become a big thing and ruin our relationship.

You have your answer OP! On this path you just smile and tell her how great the expensive tub looks when it’s installed. Take lots of pictures and maybe take a bath in it for posterity. Perhaps try to price the condo a little higher and see if anyone bites at that level. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have this problem but we are happy and will not breakup. We normally never fight and are very compatible. This is just one issue that has come up that has really been a problem. She wants to make top dollar out of selling the food to pay the rest of her SL debt off, but age is not being realistic. You don’t put marble and a standing tub with a new shower in a $300k something condo and expect to recoup that money. She will end up losing most of the money. The condo is nice and really doesn’t need anything to be done. She can do simple things like change hardware, paint, or tile the floor for a couple grand. It’s not really needed. It’s not only me that she has been complaining to or get mad at when we won’t listen. She has been told this by my dad, her family, a realtor friend, her realtor, and myself. I really don’t want it to become a big thing and ruin our relationship.

Then don’t make it a big thing. The money is hers to lose.

Is it though? They are combining households, so that will affect their future.

DP. They are not even engaged, so yes, it is her money to lose. As long as she contributes to their joint household after she moves in with him however they agreed, what she does with the rest of her money is not his business.

[Anonymous]

The only concerning things here OP is that you don’t seem to have discussed this enough to understand where she is coming from. Her actions seem inexplicable to you, as do her feelings. Either you don’t ask enough questions to get her point of view or she isn’t articulating it but that isn’t great because higher stakes issues emerge over time in a marriage and not understanding can create resentment on both sides. Have you asked her, what’s your goal in selling? How will these renovations help you achieve that? I’m curious what she would say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only concerning things here OP is that you don’t seem to have discussed this enough to understand where she is coming from. Her actions seem inexplicable to you, as do her feelings. Either you don’t ask enough questions to get her point of view or she isn’t articulating it but that isn’t great because higher stakes issues emerge over time in a marriage and not understanding can create resentment on both sides. Have you asked her, what’s your goal in selling? How will these renovations help you achieve that? I’m curious what she would say.

OP here. I mentioned this. Her goal is to sell her condo and love in with me. She wants to get top dollar with the renovations to pay off the rest of her SL debt. I’ve been supportive but it’s been over a month of her daily complaining about it. It’s all she wants to talk about.