Girlfriend Won’t Take Advice

[Anonymous]

I would ask yourself if you really want this person to move in with you. You both do not sound compatible.

[Anonymous]

If it's this bad now, just wait until she moves in with you and starts making plans to change things in your shared residence. She's the type who only wants to hear what aligns with her ideas - anything to contrary she will fight back against.

She's a total control freak. Either you establish a new and healthy dynamic in your relationship or get out now. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

She may be asking for advice or opinion, but what she really probably wants is listening and validation. She just wants you to enter into her worries, not fix them. Can you do that? Because this won’t be the last time. All through your life together she is going to want you to just be there, listening to her and supporting her, without actually fixing or doing anything. If you want to try, then let go of any judgement about her wasting money. If she asks if you like this title or that, tell her what you LIKE, not what you’d USE IN HER SHOES. If she complains that the work is exhausting, make listening noises and agree that renovation is exhausting. That’s it. That’s all she wants from you. Do you have the ability to give her that?

[Anonymous]

What does her Realtor say about all of her proposed changes?

Also, break up with her. If you can't handle this aspect of the relationship, it's not going to work long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be asking for advice or opinion, but what she really probably wants is listening and validation. She just wants you to enter into her worries, not fix them. Can you do that? Because this won’t be the last time. All through your life together she is going to want you to just be there, listening to her and supporting her, without actually fixing or doing anything. If you want to try, then let go of any judgement about her wasting money. If she asks if you like this title or that, tell her what you LIKE, not what you’d USE IN HER SHOES. If she complains that the work is exhausting, make listening noises and agree that renovation is exhausting. That’s it. That’s all she wants from you. Do you have the ability to give her that?

That sounds exhausting. Why would anyone want to spend time let alone marry someone so self centered?

[Anonymous]

Agree that you are not compatible, and she should renovate and then keep living in her beautiful apartment.

1. Just bc your dad has an opinion, does not mean that he the universally "correct" opinion. Reasonable people can differ. You are disrespecting her by assuming she is incorrect and your dad is correct. If I were her, I would be strongly considering breaking up with you once I realized this.

2. You seem to be unwilling to have a conversation wherein your girlfriend doesn't agree with you and do what you say.

3. The money thing here seems like very important subtext. If you are moving towards marriage, your finances will merge. And it seems like you both have very different ideas for how to spend it.

Another vote for breaking up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand. You’re giving her advice. She doesn’t take the advice. But she’s also mad you aren’t giving her advice?

OP here. She asked for my advice, I told her what my dad said about it being a waste of money, and then she decided to do it anyway. She will ask my advice on colors, etc., and then get annoyed when I tell her I like something different. When I told her I’m not giving her anymore advice, she got mad and said I’m unsupportive.

For the first example of your dad saying something was a waste of money... You can't really fault her for coming to her own conclusion. You and your dad were just PART of her decision making process. She is still free to make her own decisions. Getting huffy about that makes you seem arrogant.

As for your second example of her getting annoyed because you liked something different, what do you mean?

Saying you won't give her advice anymore can come off as "oh poor me, nobody listens to me, I guess I must be worthless." It's obnoxious.

OP here. My dad is trying to save her money. She wants to do two nice bathrooms but she will not the get the money back when she sells. She plans to fully rip one out and put in a standing bathtub and separate shower. For a condo in the $300k range, she will not get her money back. There is a thing as making designs too nice for the price. She has decided to do it anyway even though my dad told her she is not likely to get her money back.

She will ask about samples and I tell her all to pick the cheaper option because paying top price won’t get her money back. She gets mad and goes with the other one.

I don’t care what she does. Its her property. I do get annoyed when she asks for my advice and then gets mad when I don’t agree with her. I told her last time she asked that I’m not giving anymore advice because she gets mad at me. She told me I was being unsupportive.

She has been complaining about all the work she had to do and how hard the process it is. When I try to give her advice, she gets mad.

I’m just tired of it. She’s putting way too much into a condo that she will never get her money back. She needs to stop complaining because it’s her choice.

She's asking your opinion on color choices and you're giving your opinion on price. That's annoying.

Let this play out. If she loses money, be supportive by not saying I told you so. Let her live and learn.

Think of her complaining as venting. Don't think of it as a plea for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You better get on the same page about money before you take your relationship to the next level.

Do you always listen to your Dad with financial decisions?

OP here. No. My dad doesn’t give me much financial advice except for when I was young. She asked him about remodeling because he used to do construction as a side business. She wants to spend about $20k with two bath remodels and he told her not to do it. She is look at expensive stuff like marble and floating tubs for a condo in the $300k range. She will be wasting her money.

This is an interesting thing that happens as you grow up. When you're young, even a young adult, you think your parents are the absolute experts in their field of expertise. For some people, it's hard to let go of that. You seem to think your dad's opinion is always the right opinion. Maybe it's not. Maybe your girlfriend is getting advice from other people as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be asking for advice or opinion, but what she really probably wants is listening and validation. She just wants you to enter into her worries, not fix them. Can you do that? Because this won’t be the last time. All through your life together she is going to want you to just be there, listening to her and supporting her, without actually fixing or doing anything. If you want to try, then let go of any judgement about her wasting money. If she asks if you like this title or that, tell her what you LIKE, not what you’d USE IN HER SHOES. If she complains that the work is exhausting, make listening noises and agree that renovation is exhausting. That’s it. That’s all she wants from you. Do you have the ability to give her that?

“Enter into her worries” - WTF?

[Anonymous]

If you wanted to have a say in what she does, you should have married her.

Give her advice, but stop having an opinion and being so invested in what she decides that you end up fighting over it. It’s her property, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Most women really do not want advice. They want validation of their opinion.

[Anonymous]

$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

I assure you that even if there were compelling factors to justify the renovation, OP would never admit it because he is more invested in being right than in having a healthy relationship with his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

I assure you that even if there were compelling factors to justify the renovation, OP would never admit it because he is more invested in being right than in having a healthy relationship with his girlfriend.

Bull shit! You are just one of the certain type of women who posts here who makes out the woman to be right and the victim at all costs

Her behavior is completely inappropriate. Yes ops communication may need fine-tuning, but that doesn't excuse the girlfriend who is out of line and needs to grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$20k bathroom renovation for a $300k condo makes no financial sense absent other compelling facts that indicate she could recoup enough to make her time and investment worthwhile. I think OP rightfully is concerned about his girlfriend’s judgment in dumping good money that she most likely will not recoup into renovations that neither of them will get to enjoy. He is wondering why someone would do something that is illogical. Is it based on ego (she wants to put her best foot forward in the sale photos and hear everyone say how gorgeous her condo is) or perhaps fixation (she’s sucked into the renovation process and is having trouble controlling her spending). The girlfriend is getting defensive saying that OP is not being supportive, but maybe she’s getting defensive because she knows OP is on to something but she plows forward with the overspending anyway.

OP, her pattern does not bode well for living together and combining your financial future. If you live together you are going to have to be prepared for her buying pricey stuff for your home that you probably don’t need, and she will get defensive if you can’t understand how cute/functional/classy that thing is, or that she had a bad day and is entitled to the purchase, or whatever the excuse may be. You both need to get on the same page about this, or else you’ll have a lot of frustration, and possibly debt.

I agree with this, but I will also add that OP’s girlfriend will be just as frustrated with him because it seems she wants what she wants. As a single person she can do that, but in a relationship, it’ll cause problems unless they have the means that can accommodate her following her fanciful whims.

Two things OP could do
1. suggest she get a realtor, or two, to weigh in on whether her desired reno is a good idea.
2. discuss financial goals and how they will handle finances as a couple now, before she moves in.
If they can’t get on the same page with finances, this won’t work well longterm.