Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you neeed to do some soul searching and see if you really want kids. So many people say I have always dreamed of my future with kids, well no offense but duh? That's the future we're sold from the time we are kids ourselves. IS that really what you want, or is just you wanting it because you think you should want it because it's what everyone else does.

If you have really thought about it and truly want kids then, you've got to break up there really isn't a compromise on this.


IT's extremely easy to be pressured into having kids, when you aren't really into it especially as a woman. Women also typically end up doing the bulk of parenting. Kudos to your girlfriend for figuring this out and being honest with you about it, and maturely explaining her change in feelings.

This is really true. My ex came from a large-ish Italian-American family. He thought he really wanted to be a family man, married, lots of kids, etc. I think he was truly surprised when he realized he did not want to be married or have a child. Too bad he realized it when DS was about 3 months old. Fast forward, I remarried, DH adopted DS, we had more kids, have been married more than 20 yrs, and exDH has never married or had kids. He's been happy (I think) with his career, travel, doing his hobbies and serial dating. He really didn't want the family life.

OP: decide what you really want. If your girlfriend truly doesn't want the same thing you do, it's better to move on now. Really. Not everyone gets lucky in their ending like I did.

"Wanting kids" is biological, for both men and women. There are people who take exception to this, like OP's girlfriend currently believes, but that does not mean that at 50, she's not going to really look back at regret this. I know more than a few women who cavalierly thought in their 30s that they didn't want kids, and now, in their 50s, they realize what an egregious mistake that was.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, but I agree with the others - your girlfriend is giving you the gift of honesty of where she is right now. That's all any of us can do. You need to recogize your own reality - that this isn't the match you thought it was - and move on, sooner rather than later. You're not getting any younger either.

What world are you in that you think childless women regret it?

To the contrary, of my (successful, well educated, smart) group of girlfriends from college and grad school, I'd say 70% of us were indifferent after getting married about having kids. Most had kids, and I'd say half of the ones who went on to have kids somewhat regret it. Like, we love our kids and there is a lot of good, but a lot of shit comes along with it... and most of these women recognize that if they had never had kids, they would have had an equally fulfilling life that was probably a lot less stressful and maybe a lot happier. The people I know who are married without kids (i.e., those who had the option to have kids but chose not to), they are all very, very happy with those decisions. I don't know anyone who could have had kids who regrets that they didn't.

Now let's look at the men: I know a few men who really, really wanted kids. In some cases, it was cultural (large italian family) or that they had a very classic idea of what a successful family looked like - sahw, working dad, lots of kids - but the guy's desire for kids wasn't about kids. And then i know one guy who LOVES kids. Other than that, i know a few guys who were adamantly against kids, and then rest were indifferent, but probably assumed they would because that's kind of the expectation when you get married. And if a guy isn't adamantly against kids, they should probably accept that kids are on the horizon.

Point is: The GF is acting totally rational. The OP should really soul search about if they truly care about kids, or if it's just they always assumed they'd have them because that's what people do. 90% of guys in my life have honestly not cared about kids when it came down to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Women are particularly duplicitous when it comes to these types of issues. PP wouldn't have said that unless the stereotype fit. And it does.

. One of the good-for-nothings I rejected four times posted online and told other women he didn't want kids. He told me he did--ease up on the misogyny unless you are bisexual and have dated an equal number of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you neeed to do some soul searching and see if you really want kids. So many people say I have always dreamed of my future with kids, well no offense but duh? That's the future we're sold from the time we are kids ourselves. IS that really what you want, or is just you wanting it because you think you should want it because it's what everyone else does.

If you have really thought about it and truly want kids then, you've got to break up there really isn't a compromise on this.


IT's extremely easy to be pressured into having kids, when you aren't really into it especially as a woman. Women also typically end up doing the bulk of parenting. Kudos to your girlfriend for figuring this out and being honest with you about it, and maturely explaining her change in feelings.

This is really true. My ex came from a large-ish Italian-American family. He thought he really wanted to be a family man, married, lots of kids, etc. I think he was truly surprised when he realized he did not want to be married or have a child. Too bad he realized it when DS was about 3 months old. Fast forward, I remarried, DH adopted DS, we had more kids, have been married more than 20 yrs, and exDH has never married or had kids. He's been happy (I think) with his career, travel, doing his hobbies and serial dating. He really didn't want the family life.

OP: decide what you really want. If your girlfriend truly doesn't want the same thing you do, it's better to move on now. Really. Not everyone gets lucky in their ending like I did.

"Wanting kids" is biological, for both men and women. There are people who take exception to this, like OP's girlfriend currently believes, but that does not mean that at 50, she's not going to really look back at regret this. I know more than a few women who cavalierly thought in their 30s that they didn't want kids, and now, in their 50s, they realize what an egregious mistake that was.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, but I agree with the others - your girlfriend is giving you the gift of honesty of where she is right now. That's all any of us can do. You need to recogize your own reality - that this isn't the match you thought it was - and move on, sooner rather than later. You're not getting any younger either.

Many, women regret having kids. I'm so glad we're living in a time when more people aren't blindly following the " it's biological" mindset.

Agree. Wanting sex is biological. Wanting kids is a learned behavior.
50s and chosen childfree here and married mid 20s. Absolutely no regrets! And I’m a woman.😁

[Anonymous]

This is one where neither person should compromise. Only answer is to split

[Anonymous]

OP - you should not marry her. You should break-up now and not invest any more in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only known a handful of people who truly don’t want kids, and they are very open about it. There is no cooing over a baby and saying “that will be us someday” no talk of kids, none of that. They wouldn’t start a relationship and talk of kids, dream of kids, only to pull it back once you’ve fallen in love. You aren’t dealing with a woman who “decided she didnt want kids”.

It sounds to me like she either read too much negative stuff during the big rainstorm last week, or she listened to someone vent. Either that, or she’s met someone maybe an older guy who is telling her how much his teens suck, I once heard someone say that he knew Abraham’s son wasn’t a teenager because if he were, killing him “wouldn’t have been a sacrifice”

As for me, I’d not want to date someone who “sat me down” like a schoolboy on a beautiful fall weekend to tell me they decided to fundamentally alter the future we were planning on. I wouldn’t “give her time” for anything, this is a choice she’s making.

You certainly don’t want to “give her time” and stick around to do all the boy jobs you did when you were dating, bring her food when she’s had a rough week, do fun date activities, only to have her say in a couple years “I told you I didn’t want kids”.

From where I sit, I don’t know why you love her.

I’d end the relationship and find someone who wants the same future you do.

If you two were married, I’d have a discussion about depression, but as a girlfriend, no. The reason is that there is very little you can do for a girlfriend so if she is depressed, you’ll be put into the role of never ending support, support on her terms when you could be finding a life partner who shares your goals and dreams.


For what it’s worth, I’m a woman. I have 3 kids, and I don’t regret having them. The state of the world doesn’t bother me a bit. Is it perfect, no, but then it never is. It is also not a bad place to be with the right attitude. As context, my teenager was being an ass this morning, our tv has a crack in the screen, and it seems like school wants a covid test every five minutes. All that being said, I enjoy my kids at least most of the time. They are nice, good, people. The world is a better place with them in it then it would be without them.

My advice would be the same for a woman who’s boyfriend didn’t want kids, find someone who shares your goals and is just as excited as you are. As I tell my kids “you don’t go to a baseball stadium and expect to see a hockey game”.

So a woman changing her mind about wanting to have kids must be cheating or depressed? You can’t see why he loves her? You sound like an idiot. Anyone can change their minds about kids when they want.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the girlfriend read the childfree subreddit and became woke to the ill effects of having kids. The OP is probably one of the men who like the idea of having children rather than the daily grind of dealing with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tough to hear but what she is saying is she doesn't want kids with you. Your relationship is done. In a year she'll meet mr right and pump out a couple of little tikes.

People who say they do not want to get married or want kids are not fully telling you all the truth. Its not that they do not want kids or want to get married, its that they do not see you as the longterm spouse or potential father of any children they have thought about having.

This is such bull shit some people really don't want kids or marriage. Life is much easier when you accept things as they are instead of assuming everyone is duplicitous

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the girlfriend read the childfree subreddit and became woke to the ill effects of having kids. The OP is probably one of the men who like the idea of having children rather than the daily grind of dealing with children.

The ill effects of having kids is real. No woke about it. Women are finally realizing it is a shit deal for them.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of her.

She won’t change. Her mind never does. Break it off and don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only known a handful of people who truly don’t want kids, and they are very open about it. There is no cooing over a baby and saying “that will be us someday” no talk of kids, none of that. They wouldn’t start a relationship and talk of kids, dream of kids, only to pull it back once you’ve fallen in love. You aren’t dealing with a woman who “decided she didnt want kids”.

It sounds to me like she either read too much negative stuff during the big rainstorm last week, or she listened to someone vent. Either that, or she’s met someone maybe an older guy who is telling her how much his teens suck, I once heard someone say that he knew Abraham’s son wasn’t a teenager because if he were, killing him “wouldn’t have been a sacrifice”

As for me, I’d not want to date someone who “sat me down” like a schoolboy on a beautiful fall weekend to tell me they decided to fundamentally alter the future we were planning on. I wouldn’t “give her time” for anything, this is a choice she’s making.

You certainly don’t want to “give her time” and stick around to do all the boy jobs you did when you were dating, bring her food when she’s had a rough week, do fun date activities, only to have her say in a couple years “I told you I didn’t want kids”.

From where I sit, I don’t know why you love her.

I’d end the relationship and find someone who wants the same future you do.

If you two were married, I’d have a discussion about depression, but as a girlfriend, no. The reason is that there is very little you can do for a girlfriend so if she is depressed, you’ll be put into the role of never ending support, support on her terms when you could be finding a life partner who shares your goals and dreams.


For what it’s worth, I’m a woman. I have 3 kids, and I don’t regret having them. The state of the world doesn’t bother me a bit. Is it perfect, no, but then it never is. It is also not a bad place to be with the right attitude. As context, my teenager was being an ass this morning, our tv has a crack in the screen, and it seems like school wants a covid test every five minutes. All that being said, I enjoy my kids at least most of the time. They are nice, good, people. The world is a better place with them in it then it would be without them.

My advice would be the same for a woman who’s boyfriend didn’t want kids, find someone who shares your goals and is just as excited as you are. As I tell my kids “you don’t go to a baseball stadium and expect to see a hockey game”.

You sound like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she doesn't want kids: she doesn't want kids with YOU

My exH and I had one child, and he always bragged about wanting me. Then, after 10 years together, he changed his mind about having a second baby. Turned out he was cheating on me, and we divorced 5 years after

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think she doesn't want kids: she doesn't want kids with YOU

My exH and I had one child, and he always bragged about wanting me. Then, after 10 years together, he changed his mind about having a second baby. Turned out he was cheating on me, and we divorced 5 years after

NP.

No, as difficult as it may be for you to comprehend, it really sounds like she does not want kids, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only known a handful of people who truly don’t want kids, and they are very open about it. There is no cooing over a baby and saying “that will be us someday” no talk of kids, none of that. They wouldn’t start a relationship and talk of kids, dream of kids, only to pull it back once you’ve fallen in love. You aren’t dealing with a woman who “decided she didnt want kids”.

It sounds to me like she either read too much negative stuff during the big rainstorm last week, or she listened to someone vent. Either that, or she’s met someone maybe an older guy who is telling her how much his teens suck, I once heard someone say that he knew Abraham’s son wasn’t a teenager because if he were, killing him “wouldn’t have been a sacrifice”

As for me, I’d not want to date someone who “sat me down” like a schoolboy on a beautiful fall weekend to tell me they decided to fundamentally alter the future we were planning on. I wouldn’t “give her time” for anything, this is a choice she’s making.

You certainly don’t want to “give her time” and stick around to do all the boy jobs you did when you were dating, bring her food when she’s had a rough week, do fun date activities, only to have her say in a couple years “I told you I didn’t want kids”.

From where I sit, I don’t know why you love her.

I’d end the relationship and find someone who wants the same future you do.

If you two were married, I’d have a discussion about depression, but as a girlfriend, no. The reason is that there is very little you can do for a girlfriend so if she is depressed, you’ll be put into the role of never ending support, support on her terms when you could be finding a life partner who shares your goals and dreams.


For what it’s worth, I’m a woman. I have 3 kids, and I don’t regret having them. The state of the world doesn’t bother me a bit. Is it perfect, no, but then it never is. It is also not a bad place to be with the right attitude. As context, my teenager was being an ass this morning, our tv has a crack in the screen, and it seems like school wants a covid test every five minutes. All that being said, I enjoy my kids at least most of the time. They are nice, good, people. The world is a better place with them in it then it would be without them.

My advice would be the same for a woman who’s boyfriend didn’t want kids, find someone who shares your goals and is just as excited as you are. As I tell my kids “you don’t go to a baseball stadium and expect to see a hockey game”.

Honestly, unless your child is curing cancer, it doesn’t matter whether you brought them into existence or not. You feel the way you do only because they are YOUR KIDS. You also are a terrible person for second-guessing a woman’s decision to be childfree.

[Anonymous]

Dealbreaker. Mourn the loss of the relationship but move on. Each of you needs to be true to yourselves.