Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Kids

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. This sucks.

I think the PPs have given you some really good advice. It’s heartbreaking and so hard, but sadly it’s reality that if you want kids, you need to move on. Resentments do grow. And you don’t want her to have kids to make you happy if it’s not what she wants. Not a good recipe for a family.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me except the reverse (I am the woman and had told my boyfriend the first month of dating I was pretty sure I did not want kids and that he needed to be ok with that and he said he was and then after several years of dating he changed his mind).

It's okay for this to be a dealbreaker. That said, you are the man, so if ten years from now you decide you want kids, you could divorce her and find someone else. But that's not really fair to her. She'd probably rather end it now and find someone who is ok with no kids if you want them and would divorce her later.

Take some time to think about it. Honestly, there are lots of great women out there who do want kids, so you could probably find someone else, especially if you are college educated, not overweight, and make at least 115k a year (sorry, just being honest).

No man (or any person, for that matter) with a shred of moral decency would do this, PP. Sorry if it's news to you, but there is a reason they are called wedding VOWS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys? Do you know why she changed her mind? These questions are just my curiosity.

For most people, wanting or not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I know for me, it’s something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t have married my dh if he didn’t want to be part of a family with children. You have to figure out where your heart is on this issue.

OP here. We are both in our thirties. I asked her why she chose her mind and she listed things like kids are a huge responsibility, this world is crazy and only getting worse and doesn’t feel right raising kids in today’s society, doesn’t want to give up her job, etc. It’s mostly for her about leaving kids in this world that will likely just get worse since it’s going downhill fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys? Do you know why she changed her mind? These questions are just my curiosity.

For most people, wanting or not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I know for me, it’s something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t have married my dh if he didn’t want to be part of a family with children. You have to figure out where your heart is on this issue.

OP here. We are both in our thirties. I asked her why she chose her mind and she listed things like kids are a huge responsibility, this world is crazy and only getting worse and doesn’t feel right raising kids in today’s society, doesn’t want to give up her job, etc. It’s mostly for her about leaving kids in this world that will likely just get worse since it’s going downhill fast.

She has some valid points. I have young kids and sometimes wonder what I've done. I don't want to tell them not to have kids because they are the end of the line, but I kind of hope they don't because their kids are in for a world of hurt. Life without kids is pretty great, full of money, time, travel, fun. But if you won't feel fulfilled, then find someone else. Maybe she'd be open to adoption? Re the responsibility thing, if you all adopt one and get a fantastic nanny, life can be pretty grand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys? Do you know why she changed her mind? These questions are just my curiosity.

For most people, wanting or not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I know for me, it’s something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t have married my dh if he didn’t want to be part of a family with children. You have to figure out where your heart is on this issue.

OP here. We are both in our thirties. I asked her why she chose her mind and she listed things like kids are a huge responsibility, this world is crazy and only getting worse and doesn’t feel right raising kids in today’s society, doesn’t want to give up her job, etc. It’s mostly for her about leaving kids in this world that will likely just get worse since it’s going downhill fast.

Probably for the best. This world is going to h*ll and I don’t want kids either because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys? Do you know why she changed her mind? These questions are just my curiosity.

For most people, wanting or not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I know for me, it’s something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t have married my dh if he didn’t want to be part of a family with children. You have to figure out where your heart is on this issue.

OP here. We are both in our thirties. I asked her why she chose her mind and she listed things like kids are a huge responsibility, this world is crazy and only getting worse and doesn’t feel right raising kids in today’s society, doesn’t want to give up her job, etc. It’s mostly for her about leaving kids in this world that will likely just get worse since it’s going downhill fast.

She has some valid points. I have young kids and sometimes wonder what I've done. I don't want to tell them not to have kids because they are the end of the line, but I kind of hope they don't because their kids are in for a world of hurt. Life without kids is pretty great, full of money, time, travel, fun. But if you won't feel fulfilled, then find someone else. Maybe she'd be open to adoption? Re the responsibility thing, if you all adopt one and get a fantastic nanny, life can be pretty grand.

What? She doesn’t want kids but think she would be open to adopting a kid and having it raised by a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys? Do you know why she changed her mind? These questions are just my curiosity.

For most people, wanting or not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I know for me, it’s something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t have married my dh if he didn’t want to be part of a family with children. You have to figure out where your heart is on this issue.

OP here. We are both in our thirties. I asked her why she chose her mind and she listed things like kids are a huge responsibility, this world is crazy and only getting worse and doesn’t feel right raising kids in today’s society, doesn’t want to give up her job, etc. It’s mostly for her about leaving kids in this world that will likely just get worse since it’s going downhill fast.

She has some valid points. I have young kids and sometimes wonder what I've done. I don't want to tell them not to have kids because they are the end of the line, but I kind of hope they don't because their kids are in for a world of hurt. Life without kids is pretty great, full of money, time, travel, fun. But if you won't feel fulfilled, then find someone else. Maybe she'd be open to adoption? Re the responsibility thing, if you all adopt one and get a fantastic nanny, life can be pretty grand.

What? She doesn’t want kids but think she would be open to adopting a kid and having it raised by a nanny?

You will still be a parent and responsible for a child you adopt.

[Anonymous]

Look, I love my kids and my husband and I love our life together, but I should have believed him when he said he didn't want kids, and he should have had the discipline to hold himself to that. It's not miserable, and again, I love my kids/husband and he is a the best dad he can be, but hindsight, we both know he really did know what he wanted (or didn't want). Society looks past dads like this, but it kills moms who make the same mistake.

Leave if she is serious, for her benefit.

[Anonymous]

If she is really serious and it’s not a passing phase, you should probably leave. A friend of mine who thought her husband would change his mind is now divorced and raising a kid by herself because he really did mean it (she had the child via donor when they divorced).

If you leave now and start dating, it’ll probably take you time to find someone. If she changes her mind she’ll know how to get in touch. But I’m sorry as it will probably take you some time to grieve the imaginary future you had. Talking to her more and really accepting where she is now will help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She says that now, but I 99 percent guarantee she’ll end up having kids with some other guy down the road.

This is not true. I did what OP’s girlfriend did. He said kids were not a dealbreaker. We talked about kids twice while dating. Both times I said no kids. He agreed. We got married. 18 months later he figured out a way to wear me down and get me pregnant with one-time unprotected sex even though I said I sis not want to and I did not want to get pregnant. Well, I got pregnant. Had the kid. We divorced many years later. Our relationship ended with the pregnancy.

OP—find a woman who has the same vision or one of you will be very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

OP, if kids are something you think you want, you don't want to give that up. My child makes life worth living for me, and I had a great life before her. They're really that special. Like seeing in technicolor. Getting to see the magic of life, holidays, animals, etc, through a child's eyes. Nothing wrong with your girlfriend but you need to share a vision for your life together and this is too big a compromise for either of you.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful that she communicated this w/you before marriage.

So many others do not.

I think if you really want children in the future - then staying w/your girlfriend will lead to pain, & a lot of resentment down the line.
Maybe she does not want children w/you for whatever reason.
Or perhaps she may change her mind later down the road.
Who really knows??

But the way things stand > you two do not have mutual future goals in line which sadly can negatively affect your relationship.
I would seriously consider breaking up, but it is entirely up to you what you feel comfortable doing.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. 💫

[Anonymous]

Its a deal breaker. If you know you want kids then its done. If you want kids then you will grow to resent her.

[Anonymous]

I never wanted kids and my boyfriend did. After a couple years, I wanted kids too. Then a couple years after that, he tells me he does not (this was age 22-26 between college/grad school/first job). It ended up being a dealbreaker and we ended it. I’m now 33, married, have a house, planning to try for a kid next year.

[Anonymous]

I think you neeed to do some soul searching and see if you really want kids. So many people say I have always dreamed of my future with kids, well no offense but duh? That's the future we're sold from the time we are kids ourselves. IS that really what you want, or is just you wanting it because you think you should want it because it's what everyone else does.

If you have really thought about it and truly want kids then, you've got to break up there really isn't a compromise on this.


IT's extremely easy to be pressured into having kids, when you aren't really into it especially as a woman. Women also typically end up doing the bulk of parenting. Kudos to your girlfriend for figuring this out and being honest with you about it, and maturely explaining her change in feelings.