Childless people who grow old and sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our neighbor - who recently passed away - was in that situation. Her husband had passed away years ago so she was on her own. She had a home care worker, though seemed to cycle through a number of those as they can be unreliable. She had a financial and health care advisor. She had a niece and nephew form NY who would drop in about 1x ever 5-6 weeks to check in on her. Mainly, though, the responsibility fell to the neighbors in the area who would check in on her. She had lived here since 89 or so and had long standing relationships with most of the residents in our tight knit community. Two neighbors in particular checked in on her daily. I think they were named as beneficiaries in her will.

So if you are childless, you will need to be tight with your community, as they will have the most eyes on you when family does not live nearby.

You forgot to mention that you also need to be rich - to have a home care worker, however, 'unreliable' plus a financial and health care advisor.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

Ps. My the tentative plan is to move into assisted living and literally pay each of my seven nieces and nephews to come visit me once or twice a year to help prevent or spot elder abuse. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.

I hate to say it but if they are also doing elder care for their own parents, this probably won’t happen.

I have a net worth of fifteen million dollars, so they might.

I don’t think you understand the burden of being sandwiched between caring for your own parents and caring for your own children. If you’re going to disinherit some nieces and nephews because they don’t have the bandwidth to add another adult to their caregiving list, that says all we need to know about you.

Disinherit? Nieces and nephews are not entitled to inherit money from their aunt. Especially an aunt they ignore. What the hell.

As a current member of the sandwich generation I can say it is hell with our own parents. Cannot imagine adding uncles and aunts, especially if they were as nasty as our own parents could be.

Mom likes to say she was there for her mother and her aunt. Um, no. She barely did shit for her mom and then put her in a home and never visited. When very wealthy aunt started tossing around money, she and her cousins quickly came running like dogs for treats and helped. Be careful about screwing the parents of those nieces while you pay them to be there for you. One would hope everyone would have a sense of ethics, but some people will dumpt their parents for $$$$$

[Anonymous]

Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

[Anonymous]

My mom's aunt moved in with us growing up, and lives with us for over 30 years. She paid a tiny bit of room & board from her social security but my parents took care of her otherwise.

I have an aunt in good health who also helps take care of two of her best friends from college who are now in poor health. One is in a nursing home with dementia and they go visit her a few times a month -- I think they also her the nursing home when it because obvious she needed it.

A lot of people don't have all that, though, obviously. If you don't have either money or good friends, you end up in the situation where the best you can hope for is that a neighbor calls adult services on you, and they come and find you a nursing home.

This is also making me think of Carl in UP. RIP Ed Asner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

It’s part of the Asian culture and Polynesians also take care of their own. My mother is being cared for in her home by my brother and sister.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in rural america, and it is also the custom for children to care for their older parent in home. My grandparents lived with us when I was growing up, and both of my parents grandparents lived with them as well. I will certainly take care of my own mother when the times comes (my father unfortunately passed away young), as long as her health permits it.

[Anonymous]

My SIL just had her uncle move in with them. His wife also moved to their city but to a home with full care. Within 2 months of moving in, he paid off their house fully.
People are generous and people help, it goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

My best friend, an only child, not only oversaw the care of her mother with Alzheimers but also her maternal aunt and uncle since their only daughter had died of cancer in her 20s. It was overwhelming at times but she did the best she could. I have two siblings that are childfree and unmarried in their late 50s/early 60s and wonder who will look after them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

It's cultural. It is also common in such families for grandparents to be the primary source of childcare while parents work, and for young people to live with their parents well into their 20s and sometimes even 30s to save money for their own homes and families. Or, if the families are well off, for parents to provide substantial financial support to enable children to attend graduate school, for instance.

You cannot look at how people care for the elderly members of their family without viewing it as part of a larger picture of care and support. My DH and I paid our own way through school (with loans). We paid for our own wedding. We saved the money for our down payment ourselves. When we had a baby, we did not receive any financial support from our families and receive tons of demands for visits and quality time with our kids but zero offers of support for our family. Even during Covid, when I had to go part time in order to homeschool our kid, our families response was "well, good luck to you."

If they are expecting to come live with us or to provide chauffeur service or to, oh my god, help them work out at a gym.... well, good luck to them.

This is what happens when you take individualism to its maximum point. It's not great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

It's cultural. It is also common in such families for grandparents to be the primary source of childcare while parents work, and for young people to live with their parents well into their 20s and sometimes even 30s to save money for their own homes and families. Or, if the families are well off, for parents to provide substantial financial support to enable children to attend graduate school, for instance.

You cannot look at how people care for the elderly members of their family without viewing it as part of a larger picture of care and support. My DH and I paid our own way through school (with loans). We paid for our own wedding. We saved the money for our down payment ourselves. When we had a baby, we did not receive any financial support from our families and receive tons of demands for visits and quality time with our kids but zero offers of support for our family. Even during Covid, when I had to go part time in order to homeschool our kid, our families response was "well, good luck to you."

If they are expecting to come live with us or to provide chauffeur service or to, oh my god, help them work out at a gym.... well, good luck to them.

This is what happens when you take individualism to its maximum point. It's not great!

Agree with this. I previously posted that my sister had my mom move in with her when she was widowed. But, my parents also intentionally moved to live near her when they retired and spent a lot of time providing childcare for her kids. Her ex-husband is useless so my dad was really the surrogate father for her boys. I was a little sad that my parents' move meant they stopped visiting me as much (we live on the other side of the country) but I also knew eventually my sister would handle most of the burden of elder care. I provide what emotional support I can and visit regularly. DH's sibling's family also was also very involved in providing care for his parents and it was the same situation that his parents provided most of the childcare they had needed when their kids were little.

I can understand if the parents were not at all involved in supporting their kids as best they can that the kids would feel less desire to do the same for them. And, if a childless person hopes to have younger relatives be their emotional/logistical support in later life, it's on them to give of themselves to nurture that relationship. I have a childless cousin in her 50s who will likely be well cared for by her nieces and nephews because she has been intensely involved in their lives since they were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

It's cultural. It is also common in such families for grandparents to be the primary source of childcare while parents work, and for young people to live with their parents well into their 20s and sometimes even 30s to save money for their own homes and families. Or, if the families are well off, for parents to provide substantial financial support to enable children to attend graduate school, for instance.

You cannot look at how people care for the elderly members of their family without viewing it as part of a larger picture of care and support. My DH and I paid our own way through school (with loans). We paid for our own wedding. We saved the money for our down payment ourselves. When we had a baby, we did not receive any financial support from our families and receive tons of demands for visits and quality time with our kids but zero offers of support for our family. Even during Covid, when I had to go part time in order to homeschool our kid, our families response was "well, good luck to you."

If they are expecting to come live with us or to provide chauffeur service or to, oh my god, help them work out at a gym.... well, good luck to them.

This is what happens when you take individualism to its maximum point. It's not great!

This. My parents were more helpful, but once I graduated from college I was on my own. There was no collective help like with some cultures.

I was unable to have children, and was therefore less valuable to my parents, even though they didn't help my sibling with children. I hope to either find a continuing care community somewhere else (since I live in the dc burbs right now due to my job) and live there post retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

I agree, culture is also a huge factor. I’m Asian, and we care for our elderly parents with as much care and attention as our young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

Ps. My the tentative plan is to move into assisted living and literally pay each of my seven nieces and nephews to come visit me once or twice a year to help prevent or spot elder abuse. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.

I hate to say it but if they are also doing elder care for their own parents, this probably won’t happen.

I have a net worth of fifteen million dollars, so they might.

Gross. Not everyone can be bought.

Uh, most people have a price far less than 15 million. Get real.

[Anonymous]

One I knew was a teacher whose students cared for her in her old age.

Sometimes nieces and nephew take on the role.

Often when you see elderly unhoused people, there's another answer to your question.

Many moved to communities with care built in as they age, and people there look after each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

I agree, culture is also a huge factor. I’m Asian, and we care for our elderly parents with as much care and attention as our young children.

But what if those Asian people didn't have kids? That's the issue here. Are you also caring for elderly aunts and uncles and friends who have no children?