Childless people who grow old and sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad reading this post. I observe elderly asians at the gym, pre-covid, whose kids would always be there helping them workout etc.. A couple of my asian co-workers also look after their elderly parents without a fuss.

Except this isn’t a discussion about people caring for their elderly parents, it’s about how childless people expect to be cared for in their later years (hint, it’s not by their non-existent children).

[Anonymous]

I have kids but I am not planning on them taking care of me. I saw what my granddad's dementia did to my Dad and how my MIL got overwhelmed trying to care for her Dad (and how much better it was for everyone when he was in a home and couldn't wander any more) and I will not let that happen to my kids. I'd prefer to be in a facility and if not that, I'll move to a state with physician assisted suicide.

[Anonymous]

If they’re wealthy, that solves a lot of problems obviously. My dad had a rich, childless aunt and uncle. His aunt outlived his uncle by 20 years, and he died suddenly so didn’t drain down their health care savings really at all. After he died, she sold their huge house and downsized to a condo in Florida, where she lived independently until her health took a bad turn. My dad and one of his siblings moved her to a great combination assisted living and nursing home where she lived for 5 years until she passed away at age 99. But she was able to pay for all of that herself and my dad and siblings didn’t really have to do much other than visit.

If you’re not well-off … well, you hope you have a good support system in the community and your extended family. It’s very tough though. My IL’s went through this with a neighbor. Older couple, no kids. He suffered a stroke but survived, but was permanently impaired - then a few years later she died suddenly of a heart attack. They always had to check in on him, every day, for years. I think someone from their church helped arrange home health aid visits also.

But of course, all that is possible because the silent generation and the Boomers are more financially secure than Millennials, and more stable and connected in their communities. Aging without kids is going to be a crisis for Millennials when that time comes.

[Anonymous]

I am childless not by choice and also divorced. I am saving as much as I can because we live into our 90s in my family -- my dad is 75 and my aunt turns 100 in a few days -- but I also have made my college-aged niece my beneficiary and have nurtured a relationship with her since birth as well as help her financially as my sibling is unable to do so and not likely to outlive me. Hopefully she will care enough about me to make sure I am cared for even if she can't do it herself. My hope is that I can leave her any children she has some money though so I would prefer to stay healthy and independent then just quietly die one day.

[Anonymous]

Not just childless old people. I cut off contact with my abusive parents and I'm sure as hell not driving up to New England to take them to doctor's appointments. They alienated every single family member and that's their own fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL just had her uncle move in with them. His wife also moved to their city but to a home with full care. Within 2 months of moving in, he paid off their house fully.
People are generous and people help, it goes both ways.

Would they have moved him in if he hadn’t been able to pay off their house and all he had was a monthly social security check?

[Anonymous]

I'm in an elder care industry and let me tell you - far more people who struggle to figure out care plans as they age have children than don't. Families are dispersed and it simply isn't true that "most" people can count on their adult children caring for them.

I've seen some very sad stories, including people whose children died before them. The childless people are not usually sad stories because they've been aware for a long time that they had to make alternate community/arrangements.

[Anonymous]

I’m hoping that assisted suicide will be a legal option should I need it. As someone who advocated and cared for both parents and an aunt, I know how much work —and love — caregiving can take. It’s very likely that I won’t have those supports.

[Anonymous]

I have kids but will try to leave as little to chance as possible. I’ve already told my DH and kids not to hesitate to put me in a facility should I need it some day. I do not want them to have to be my caregivers at home. We just talk about it openly now and DH and I will make sure we move to an accessible home by 60, and consider CCRC *before* we require assistance with activities of daily living.

Ideally, people without kids should plan, plan plan and meet with an elder care attorney to figure out what steps they can take now to secure their future (POA, health care proxy, advance directive, etc).

Inmy wiek I e seen people in the situation OP described and their emergency contact is often a sibling or friend. Occasionally the hospital has to initiate a guardianship process or make a referral to Adult Protecrive Services. Those with resources have more options, obviously and can afford Assisted Living, and those that can’t might struggle along until they have a medical crisis, at which point the hospital will help them apply for Medicaid so they can go to a long-term care facility (though there needs to be someone to assist with gathering paperwork, documents, etc. so ideally that person has been established in the past).

It’s important for everyone to have an easily accessible Advance Directive.

[Anonymous]

*in my work I see people*^^

[Anonymous]

I have seen many outcomes.
The healthier spouse (if one exists) does most of the work and when they are alone:
They go into a Continuing Care Facility and have explicit instructions of care.
Nieces and nephews or younger siblings pickup the slack.
They die alone and more quickly.
They are taken advantage of.

Mostly, in the past, it was that other family members picked up the slack. The continuing care facilities are relatively new and are becoming more popular.

[Anonymous]

You’re pretty much screwed. My siblings and I are dealing with this as we speak. Our mom had a stroke and will be moving into a AL tomorrow. No one but your spouse or kids will go to the lengths it takes for your care trust me. I myself have a grown son and I’m definitely not counting on him! I’m getting long term care insurance and I will move into a retirement community with all the levels so as I age I can stay there. Look out for yourself and plan now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an elder care industry and let me tell you - far more people who struggle to figure out care plans as they age have children than don't. Families are dispersed and it simply isn't true that "most" people can count on their adult children caring for them.

I've seen some very sad stories, including people whose children died before them. The childless people are not usually sad stories because they've been aware for a long time that they had to make alternate community/arrangements.

That's a good point. What are the good arrangements you see them making? (I'm in my late 40s, no kids - this is hopefully quite a long way down the road but it would be good to have ideas and be planning for them.)

[Anonymous]

Uh sort of unrelated but I am childless, and my BFF got me here. How did you other childless people end up here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re smart, you move yourself into an adult community with services while you’re still in good shape.

This is what my neighbor did...she was in good health but outlived her husband and had no kids. When she reached a certain age, put down a deposit on an independent living apartment in a senior community that has assisted living and skilled nursing and sold her home.