Boyfriend confronted me about what I wore to meet female friends

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 7 years. We've been living together for 2.
A while back, he really pushed me to make more friends and find some hobbies. I did both and have a really good life.
Last night, my girlfriends and I went to a nice bar/steakhouse type of place to play trivia.
We had a blast and I was home by 10:30.
I even told him about the 70 year old guy who chased me into the parking lot to give me his number (I'm 32).
I thought he would find it as funny as I did.
To preface the next part-I wore a nice button down black and white H&M top, a pair of skinny black pants and black, close-toe wedge heels.
My makeup was classy and my hair was down.
I looked like every other woman there. It's the same type of outfit I would wear if we go out to dinner.
I got a text from him today telling me that he didnt like what I wore and basically implying that I looked like I went out to pick men up.
I sat at a fucking table with 8 women and lost at trivia. I didn't speak to another man. At all.
I've never cheated on him and never given him any reason not to trust me. We have never really had trust issues. He's been cheated on before.
He refuses to discuss it via text and my entire day is screwed now.
I'm really upset. What the hell is this about?
I should also add that he has a chronic illness and doesn't like to go out too often. I go out with my girlfriends 2-3x per month. We do trivia, dinners and go for coffee. We aren't out clubbing.

[Anonymous]

It's about the fact that you told him a man chased you into the parking lot to give you his phone number. That's the type of thing you laugh about with your girlfriends. NOT the type of thing you tell your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

He is insecure. Until HE realizes this and wants to make a change, you will be dealing with more of this shit.

You are your own person. He should control what you wear out.

Has he done anything similar in the past?

[Anonymous]

He is being ridiculously controlling. It would be a red flag to me. Two parts are equally bothersome, 1) that he said this; and 2) that he refuses to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is insecure. Until HE realizes this and wants to make a change, you will be dealing with more of this shit.

You are your own person. He should control what you wear out.

Has he done anything similar in the past?

This.

His trying to control you in any way is unconscionable.

[Anonymous]

May be he is just having a bad day and feeling insecure? Bad news elsewhere (illness flare up, other issue)? I know it is hard, but its actually better to talk in person and try to figure out what is really bothering him.
My DH gets like that sometimes, will pick on silly issue when something else is actually bothering him. Not very mature, but it happens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May be he is just having a bad day and feeling insecure? Bad news elsewhere (illness flare up, other issue)? I know it is hard, but its actually better to talk in person and try to figure out what is really bothering him.
My DH gets like that sometimes, will pick on silly issue when something else is actually bothering him. Not very mature, but it happens

He is having a particularly bad week illness-wise. Nothing like this has ever happened

[Anonymous]

I don't think that discussing it over text is a good idea. I think you guys need to sit down and talk about it.

I also second the opinion that you made a mistake telling him about the old guy who hit on you. I made a similar mistake with DH one time (except it was a 15yo kid, rather than a 70yo) and he did not think it was funny at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's about the fact that you told him a man chased you into the parking lot to give you his phone number. That's the type of thing you laugh about with your girlfriends. NOT the type of thing you tell your boyfriend.

My DH would find it funny if a 70 year old man chased me to the parking lot to give me his number. He had a pack of college girls hit on him once while walking our dog and told me about it. I found it funny and it was a big ego boost to him! I told him about some college guys hitting on me in the hotel elevator while I was on a work trip and how it gave me an ego boost--we had a 6 month old and I was working on getting my body back. It was flattering. I hadn't been hit on by anyone other than DH in a long time.

We are both secure in our relationship, though. DH has been cheated on, but does not fear that I will do that to him. It sounds like your BF is not secure in your relationship, maybe due to his chronic illness.

[Anonymous]

What's up with dating for 7 years, living together for 2, and no ring? Do you want to get married?

I'm not sure what to say about his text, other than tone can be misinterpreted via text. If this truly is a one-time, new thing, I would be willing to overlook it... but I'd be on top alert for any other controlling behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you want to dress like a WWE wrestler or an underwear model, or wear a suit or work clothing, it's really none of your boyfriend's business. You get to be you, in whatever form that takes, and he either accepts it or doesn't, but he shouldn't be giving you shit about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up with dating for 7 years, living together for 2, and no ring? Do you want to get married?

Some people are not "traditional" and don't need a ring to commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be he is just having a bad day and feeling insecure? Bad news elsewhere (illness flare up, other issue)? I know it is hard, but its actually better to talk in person and try to figure out what is really bothering him.
My DH gets like that sometimes, will pick on silly issue when something else is actually bothering him. Not very mature, but it happens

He is having a particularly bad week illness-wise. Nothing like this has ever happened

Previous PP. Than I would approach it with compassion vs. "you are a jerk" attitude. Since he texted you this, it is hard to tell what the "tone" of it was, meaning when you actually talking to person you can see their reactin and retract, try soften the statement, explain yourself better, etc. with text is cut and dry "send". Sounds like its total one-off for him, just wait till eve and discuss (hard, I know). I normally try to say to my DH in such situations "Hey, what you said was rude/inappropriate/hurtful, but I am pretty sure "the issue" is not what is really bothering you. Care to tell me whats up?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 7 years. We've been living together for 2.
A while back, he really pushed me to make more friends and find some hobbies. I did both and have a really good life.
Last night, my girlfriends and I went to a nice bar/steakhouse type of place to play trivia.
We had a blast and I was home by 10:30.
I even told him about the 70 year old guy who chased me into the parking lot to give me his number (I'm 32).
I thought he would find it as funny as I did.To preface the next part-I wore a nice button down black and white H&M top, a pair of skinny black pants and black, close-toe wedge heels.
My makeup was classy and my hair was down.
I looked like every other woman there. It's the same type of outfit I would wear if we go out to dinner.
I got a text from him today telling me that he didnt like what I wore and basically implying that I looked like I went out to pick men up.
I sat at a fucking table with 8 women and lost at trivia. I didn't speak to another man. At all.
I've never cheated on him and never given him any reason not to trust me. We have never really had trust issues. He's been cheated on before.
He refuses to discuss it via text and my entire day is screwed now.
I'm really upset. What the hell is this about?
I should also add that he has a chronic illness and doesn't like to go out too often. I go out with my girlfriends 2-3x per month. We do trivia, dinners and go for coffee. We aren't out clubbing.

He's a ruminator. your "funny" little story got bigger and bigger in his mind and it exploded this way. It was a mistake to share it.

Are you serious about him and your relationship? If so, I would react to the music and not the words here. Respect his wishes to not engage and receive the message that his feelings are hurt and something you did led to him feeling insecure. Tonight, come home, and make him feel secure. Be lovey, be the reassuring girlfriend who only has eyes for him. Don't make any concessions about what you will wear in future, it's your choice not his, but don't throw that in his face either. Get him to talk about what is bothering him, keep your mouth SHUT while he does so--you are trying to invest in your relationship, not test it with an argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be he is just having a bad day and feeling insecure? Bad news elsewhere (illness flare up, other issue)? I know it is hard, but its actually better to talk in person and try to figure out what is really bothering him.
My DH gets like that sometimes, will pick on silly issue when something else is actually bothering him. Not very mature, but it happens

He is having a particularly bad week illness-wise. Nothing like this has ever happened

12:44 here. Even more evidence that you should be compassionate. use today to feel your own anger and move past it so you can give him what he needs by way of support tonight. Who knows, if you have a good one, the day of thinking may lead to him retracting his text when you see him.