Boyfriend confronted me about what I wore to meet female friends

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my mother, who has a chronic illness that seriously limits her social life, and used to be annoyingly suspicious and paranoid about the whereabouts and behavior of my father, whose job entailed quite a lot of dinners out with colleagues.

It won't change, OP, so you have to figure out a way to ignore it, like my father did. Otherwise you need to end this relationship. People like this with chronic illnesses have rather low self-esteem and a tendency to depression, so these thoughts come easily to them (particularly if he's been cheated on before).

BTW you never discuss such subjects via text - he shouldn't have texted you about it if he didn't want you to text him back.

[Anonymous]

Guy here,

Some guys get really insecure when they finally realize that their women are starting to have fun and be 'out there' more. Personally, I think he thinks you are his little 'project' and so has a right to control what you do for fun, how you do it, and how others see you.

Personally, if my woman came home and told me that, I would play along by writing my number on a piece of paper when she is not looking, along with a sneaky note to say the 70 year old needs Viagra, but I am always ready for you. After making love, I would do something nice by going out and getting you another top just like the one you wore.

That's how you make a woman feel secure in her relationship and keep her attracted to you, instead of trying to legislate her life!

So this is where I offer you my email and give you the option to jump ship while you can before it's much too late. I am single....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is being ridiculously controlling. It would be a red flag to me. Two parts are equally bothersome, 1) that he said this; and 2) that he refuses to discuss it.

Yes, this. It's your body. He doesn't get a vote, ever.

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong by sharing the story about the 70 year old.
If this is truly a first time thing, I'd go with a previous PP approach- he's not mad about this, it has to be something else.
I'd also be on the lookout for other controlling behaviors. Cause telling you how to dress is completely inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Now he's saying it because I wore too much perfume (2 spritzes of perfume HE bought me) and smelled "available from across the room). He made me feel like a tramp and I'm completely hurt.

[Anonymous]

What's that saying that goes something like, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." Your BF is showing you who he is, now it's up to you to decide whether to put up with that or not. Is this the type of person you want to be with?

[Anonymous]

Dump him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now he's saying it because I wore too much perfume (2 spritzes of perfume HE bought me) and smelled "available from across the room). He made me feel like a tramp and I'm completely hurt.

He has continued texting about this after saying he wouldn't only to tell you you wore too much perfume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be he is just having a bad day and feeling insecure? Bad news elsewhere (illness flare up, other issue)? I know it is hard, but its actually better to talk in person and try to figure out what is really bothering him.
My DH gets like that sometimes, will pick on silly issue when something else is actually bothering him. Not very mature, but it happens

He is having a particularly bad week illness-wise. Nothing like this has ever happened

OP, I have dealt in the past with a very bad, controlling relationship, and it was a pattern-- incidents like these happened often. You've been with your boyfriend for 7 years and he's never done anything like this before. It sounds to me like he's just having a bad week with his illness, as you say, and is lashing out at you. I wouldn't try to discuss it over text but talk to him about it tonight.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend has some trust issues from his past relationship(s) and perhaps some insecurity issues as well which may or may not have anything to do with his current health issue.

What he just needs is a bit of reassurance on your part that you simply were out with the girls, had some harmless fun and did nothing out of line.

As long as this doesn't become a regular thing on his end, it should be fine. A little jealousy is okay, it just shows how much he cares and is a little flattering.

However it can be quite annoying being accused of doing something that you absolutely have no desire to do, such as pick up other men so if you starts accusing you of doing this and has nothing to base this on besides your style of dress then I would seriously tell him to take things down a notch or I would consider taking a break from him.

No one should have to defend themselves on a continuous basis based on someone else's insecurity levels.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a controlling asshole. This shit would not fly with me. I am the most non flirty person alive but I like fashion, and if I want to wear a miniskirt and heels out because I like the outfit, and I'm going out with friends, no man is going to tell me anything about it. Find a new BF.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like insecurity. No doubt it's made worse if he has a chronic illness that prohibits him from going out much --- but if the illness isn't going away, then it's something he has to come to grips with and not take out on you.

To the PP above that said the fact that a "guy" chased her out isn't something you tell your significant other I have to totally disagree. First of all, it was a 70-something man. But even if it was a 30-something man your relationship should be secure enough to laugh at it with your partner.

[Anonymous]

I would be open and honest with him:

"I told you about the incident with the senior citizen so that we could laugh together. You are frightening me and weirding me out with your controlling behavior. Please stop and consider an apology."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here,

Some guys get really insecure when they finally realize that their women are starting to have fun and be 'out there' more. Personally, I think he thinks you are his little 'project' and so has a right to control what you do for fun, how you do it, and how others see you.

Personally, if my woman came home and told me that, I would play along by writing my number on a piece of paper when she is not looking, along with a sneaky note to say the 70 year old needs Viagra, but I am always ready for you. After making love, I would do something nice by going out and getting you another top just like the one you wore.

That's how you make a woman feel secure in her relationship and keep her attracted to you, instead of trying to legislate her life!

So this is where I offer you my email and give you the option to jump ship while you can before it's much too late. I am single....

Awww you are sweet (and I'm married)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like insecurity. No doubt it's made worse if he has a chronic illness that prohibits him from going out much --- but if the illness isn't going away, then it's something he has to come to grips with and not take out on you.

To the PP above that said the fact that a "guy" chased her out isn't something you tell your significant other I have to totally disagree. First of all, it was a 70-something man. But even if it was a 30-something man your relationship should be secure enough to laugh at it with your partner.

x2.