Be honest- what do you think about women who are content to be just wives and mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Good Lord. Do you think the mom who has a kid in first grade and a preschooler is raising the preschooler but not the first grader? You don't have to be around your kids all the time to raise them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Status, family pressure, lots of reasons.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s better than women who are content to be middle management.

What an asinine misogynistic question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Good Lord. Do you think the mom who has a kid in first grade and a preschooler is raising the preschooler but not the first grader? You don't have to be around your kids all the time to raise them.

Maybe. But you do have to be around them for more than two hours per day. Same goes for men though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Good Lord. Do you think the mom who has a kid in first grade and a preschooler is raising the preschooler but not the first grader? You don't have to be around your kids all the time to raise them.

DP That's true but there is a major difference between caring for an infant or toddler vs a kid in elementary school. That's like saying someone who has a housekeeper cleaning the house is doing the same thing as someone who cleans it themselves. I'm not sure why some working parents easily view all the other things they outsource as someone else actually doing those things but can't wrap their brain around the fact that if your kid is in daycare 8 or 9 hours a day that's not you raising them during those hours it's someone else.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really think about it as a concept?

I know a few SAHMs who are the "I'm so busy I'm so busy listen to ALL THE THINGS I have to do!" type which is kind of in insufferable when it's a huge part of their personality. Not that I am judging, but it's an odd schtick and hard to be on the receiving end of because I never know how to respond. Am I supposed to share my work tasks? List my mom tasks? Tell them they are the #1 busiest? Steer the conversation to something else? When I used to SAH I did not do this, largely because I felt self-conscious.

I feel lucky to have a flexible yet fulfilling career that I am good at and recognized for, but it's not my whole personality and a career isn't necessary to be a whole person. People should be free to do what they want, but I do think it's healthy for their identities to expand beyond the boundaries of WOH or SAH.

I feel like this stems from insecurity, perhaps theyve been judged as lazy before and now make such a big fluff about how much they actually do.

I disagree because I know plenty of SAHM *and* WOHM moms that do this. I think some women bond over venting about the busyness of their lives, while recognizing that whether it’s their kids or their career, they wouldn’t change a thing. A SAHM going on and on about the chaos of travel soccer isn’t looking for you to feel bad for her, it’s more like an invitation for you to respond “ugh I totally get it! I am closing on two real estate deals tomorrow and the clients are being so difficult…let’s go grab a cocktail and forget about it all for an hour.”

+1. Yes! You get it. This is exactly it. And I complain about all of it - my kids, my work, my dogs. Whatever. It’s banter.

I'm a SAHM and I never complain about being busy (because I'm not), but lots of working parents tell me they know I must be crazy busy, and they talk about how busy they are too. I really do think it's just bonding.

If you are not busy, then your kids are small or don’t do any busy activities. I wasn’t busy either until my kids hit middle school. Now they are 13 and 16 and I honestly feel busier than when they were preschoolers.

Busier after they get home from school, you mean. They're gone the majority of the day...

Correct. But when they are home now, I am busier and more frazzled and tired than I was when I had them home with me full time. Back then, I controlled our schedule and we did everything leisurely. They were very content just to play in the house and yard and the occasional playground. We shopped together and I prepared meals leisurely and I just sort of lightly cleaned while they played. I rested while they napped and they went to bed early - 7/7:30pm and slept for 11-12 hours.

Now they leave on a staggered schedule (MS and HS) - I am making breakfast and packing lunches from 7am - 9am. Then they come home on a staggered schedule - 3:45 and 4:45. Both need healthy snacks and then most nights they are eating dinner at different times from each other due to activity schedules. My husband and I will eat with one or both of them depending on the night, plus they have to be dropped off and picked up in the middle of it all. I don't control when the practice/games/performances/competitions are nor do I have much say over the specific location. Then throw in homework, after practice snacks, showers, etc. and I'm not usually "off" until 10pm.

It is more hectic and harder now. I literally thought it was easier when they were 1 and 4.

I think its much harder with activities, school pick up and drop off, etc.

However,r you should get more organized and have snacks prepared, dinner ready to go i the one, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Good Lord. Do you think the mom who has a kid in first grade and a preschooler is raising the preschooler but not the first grader? You don't have to be around your kids all the time to raise them.

Maybe. But you do have to be around them for more than two hours per day. Same goes for men though.

There was a famous tv personality -- was it Hoda Kotb? Someone along the same career lines who I think retired, who said she was a devoted mother -- she always went home to tuck her kids in to bed then come back to work.

What the... is that really a devoted mother? No, it is not. Again, why bother having kids at all?

[Anonymous]

Working moms are super heroes in my book.

It is easier to be a SAHM if you have support, financial security and social network.

- SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Have you tried asking this honest question of many men? Amazing how many of them don’t raise their kids, by your definition. I don’t know too many families with two SAHPs but get on the phone with your Congressperson about UBI and maybe it will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working moms are super heroes in my book.

It is easier to be a SAHM if you have support, financial security and social network.

- SAHM

Its easy to be WFOH if you've nanny, daycare, maid, financial security and social network.

Bottom line: Do what works for you and your family and stop poking your nose into other people's business. Thankfully, there are choices, we aren't forced to be each other's clones.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people who have children but don't have any interest in raising them. What's the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them? Honest question.

Good Lord. Do you think the mom who has a kid in first grade and a preschooler is raising the preschooler but not the first grader? You don't have to be around your kids all the time to raise them.

DP That's true but there is a major difference between caring for an infant or toddler vs a kid in elementary school. That's like saying someone who has a housekeeper cleaning the house is doing the same thing as someone who cleans it themselves. I'm not sure why some working parents easily view all the other things they outsource as someone else actually doing those things but can't wrap their brain around the fact that if your kid is in daycare 8 or 9 hours a day that's not you raising them during those hours it's someone else.

No. I could see this if you were talking about parents working 60 hour weeks but not normal full time hours. Of course SAHMs are doing work that working parents outsource, but it’s not a 1:1 relationship. When you spend time away from your kids you end up needing to spend more concentrated parenting time outside of “working” hours. Children who go to daycare still need mom to discipline, teach, love, show affection. Putting them in daycare can create work (pumping, morning routines, the end of the day release of energy if they’ve been good all day for someone else) that otherwise wouldn’t be there.

— A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could afford to stay home and be a mother and wife. Instead, I’m paying someone else to spend whole days with my child while I work at a career that is meaningless to me.

Being a mother is not “just” being a mother. People can love being a mother the same way another woman might love being a lawyer. Parents can prioritize being present for their kids over spending most of their time focused on furthering their career or just earning a paycheck.

But can't you do both? It' a false choice at times. Not always, but at times.

I heard someone use the term "full time mother' the other day -- I know what they meant, but are we not all full time mothers?

DP but are some of you being deliberately obtuse? OBVIOUSLY if someone else is caring for your child while you are at work, you are not doing as much “mothering” as a mother who cares for her child ALL THE TIME. So IN CONTEXT, NO! You are NOT a “full-time mother” (which as you said you know what they MEANT when they used this term).

This is not a value judgement, it is merely a fact.

(I have been both WOHM and SAHM FWIW)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

When I’m meeting someone who doesn’t work outside the house I am usually bracing for a comment like this, since they are handed out freely with out care for any of the reasons some one might have chosen to work. I have no other thoughts about their choices- how would I know better for them than they do for themselves?

What if I love my work and feel passionately about it and what it does for society, and chose to work even if I don't 'have' to -- do you think those people are less-than parents, too?

I don’t think SAHMs are leaving jobs like this, they’re leaving dead-end menial work. People who are happy and accommodated and valued stay.

I left my career in which I was happy, accommodated, valued, and relatively highly paid. But I couldn’t handle the lifestyle anymore of juggling that career while having three kids, one in daycare and two in before and after care, not to mention the chaos of summer camps and school breaks and snow days. We were all stressed and no one was happy at home. I miss my job sometimes, but my kids are so much happier that so far it’s been worth the sacrifice. I can always go back to work later, when we can all handle it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could afford to stay home and be a mother and wife. Instead, I’m paying someone else to spend whole days with my child while I work at a career that is meaningless to me.

Being a mother is not “just” being a mother. People can love being a mother the same way another woman might love being a lawyer. Parents can prioritize being present for their kids over spending most of their time focused on furthering their career or just earning a paycheck.

But can't you do both? It' a false choice at times. Not always, but at times.

I heard someone use the term "full time mother' the other day -- I know what they meant, but are we not all full time mothers?

DP but are some of you being deliberately obtuse? OBVIOUSLY if someone else is caring for your child while you are at work, you are not doing as much “mothering” as a mother who cares for her child ALL THE TIME. So IN CONTEXT, NO! You are NOT a “full-time mother” (which as you said you know what they MEANT when they used this term).

This is not a value judgement, it is merely a fact.

(I have been both WOHM and SAHM FWIW)

So…full time mothering is something that only exists before age 5?

[Anonymous]

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You mean people like me, who are very well-read, can discuss most current events with intelligence and some background knowledge, and also earn significant passive income from my dividends?

I'm doing great, thank you. Feel free to think whatever you want about me.

That fact that you replied sort of indicates you care what people think.

I only judge those that do not contribute in any way to society - volunteer work, pta, kids activities, anything. If all they do is care for their kids, then I judge them as incredibly selfish and lazy.

No one cares what you think.

Hahaha. You clearly do otherwise you wouldn’t call it out with a reply. You would’ve simply ‘risen above.’

No, I guarantee the poster just wants to make it clear that no one cares what you think. When people declare a judgment, "I don't care what your judgment is" is an applicable and valid response.