Relationship with EX after split

[Anonymous]

Split up with my ex over 6 months ago. She is also the mother of my 9 year old son. We were together for 10 years. I left because she started seeing another man and was not willing to work on our relationship. Things weren't perfect between us, but we had a very easy relationship. We were best friends, didn't argue much, and got along great.

Leading up to the final split and for months after we weren't very friendly unless it had to do with DS. Over the past month or so we've seen eachother more often and have had more 'friendly' conversations that aren't related to DS.

Deep down I feel like she doesn't deserve me as a friend given her lying and cheating before we split. I feel like she is getting exactly what she wants.....her new, single free life plus the benefit of my friendship that she had before.

Any of you ever face this? Am I just getting past it all and moving on or am I letting her take advantage of me being a nice person.

I figured after a while we'd eventually be friends again. But not this soon. When I think of what was done, my anger for her comes back.

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you that I write as someone who was very bitter after my split.

1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Do what you need to do to establish balance in your life.

2) forgive her. This DOES NOT mean be friends with her necessarily. If that comes at some point because you feel it's beneficial to you or or your child, that's fine. If you are never friends with her because it hurts or you just simply can't trust her, that's totally fine too. She hurt you and no, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm telling you to forgive her because that will help YOU move on.

3) I certainly think you need more space from her right now. Obviously the feelings are still raw. I'm sure a part of you feels good when you talk to her and things are almost good between you. Then you remember what she did and you get mad all over again. This cycle is going to continue you until you heal.

4) From this point on, think about what's good for your child. Period. It's not about you two. It's about the son you have.

Good luck. It really sucks when someone who you considered a friend betrays you like this. My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

Ten years is a long time and she sounds selfish for dating other people while you were together (isn't that cheating?).

Co-parent and be civil. Maybe things can change, but she seems emotional and impestuous and that prob has to do with why you split in the first place. Why stay involved in that? How draining. You prob wont be able to really move on from her if you put yourself in this in between scenario. Unless you want her back, then you got a diff set of issues to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Split up with my ex over 6 months ago. She is also the mother of my 9 year old son. We were together for 10 years. I left because she started seeing another man and was not willing to work on our relationship. Things weren't perfect between us, but we had a very easy relationship. We were best friends, didn't argue much, and got along great.

Leading up to the final split and for months after we weren't very friendly unless it had to do with DS. Over the past month or so we've seen eachother more often and have had more 'friendly' conversations that aren't related to DS.

Deep down I feel like she doesn't deserve me as a friend given her lying and cheating before we split. I feel like she is getting exactly what she wants.....her new, single free life plus the benefit of my friendship that she had before.

Any of you ever face this? Am I just getting past it all and moving on or am I letting her take advantage of me being a nice person.

I figured after a while we'd eventually be friends again. But not this soon. When I think of what was done, my anger for her comes back.

take the red pill bro. you got beta-ized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you that I write as someone who was very bitter after my split.

1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Do what you need to do to establish balance in your life.

2) forgive her. This DOES NOT mean be friends with her necessarily. If that comes at some point because you feel it's beneficial to you or or your child, that's fine. If you are never friends with her because it hurts or you just simply can't trust her, that's totally fine too. She hurt you and no, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm telling you to forgive her because that will help YOU move on.

3) I certainly think you need more space from her right now. Obviously the feelings are still raw. I'm sure a part of you feels good when you talk to her and things are almost good between you. Then you remember what she did and you get mad all over again. This cycle is going to continue you until you heal.

4) From this point on, think about what's good for your child. Period. It's not about you two. It's about the son you have.

Good luck. It really sucks when someone who you considered a friend betrays you like this. My heart goes out to you.

OP here. Thanks for this input.

1. I am for sure taking care of myself. I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm no longer allowing my feelings toward her dictate my attitude and daily life. I no longer wake up and the first thing I think about is her or our split.

2. I am working on the forgiveness. I've come a long way based on the months leading up to our split and the months after. I thought it would take me a lot longer to feel like I do today about everything. But i don't truly forgive her at this point. But I think given what I've said in the first post, I'm moving that way. No use continuing to cry over spilled milk.

3. You are probably right. Even though I feel things are good between us, I should probably just let that be and keep my distance. I've noticed I've used her for advice lately and she has done the same. For years we would constantly bounce things off each other so it feels natural to go to her when something comes up where an outside opinion would be nice.

4. What is best for DS has been the goal since the day we started going downhill. We never argued in front of DS. Nobody, including family, knew what was going on. And now, DS comes first between us. We don't let personal feelings come in to the discussion. If DS needs something, we figure out what is best with his best interest in mind. I am grateful for this everyday that we can maintain a healthy parenting relationship.

And yes, betrayal sucks. Never did I ever think she would have done this to me. I thought were above this as individuals and a couple. It really changed my view on the type of person she is. When I see her, I don't miss her beyond the friendship we shared. I am no longer attracted to her. I no longer love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten years is a long time and she sounds selfish for dating other people while you were together (isn't that cheating?).

Co-parent and be civil. Maybe things can change, but she seems emotional and impestuous and that prob has to do with why you split in the first place. Why stay involved in that? How draining. You prob wont be able to really move on from her if you put yourself in this in between scenario. Unless you want her back, then you got a diff set of issues to manage.

Yes she cheated. So I left. I wasn't going to put up with that.

My involvement recently isn't emotional...it just seems friendly. Joke about things we joked about before. Discussed topics we used to discuss before.

And no, I don't want her back. I never want to go back to where we were.

[Anonymous]

I wish my ex could leave the tension behind. It's toxic for the kids and he cannot let go of his petty anger.

I never cheated on him. I was a good wife. He dropped the ball well before I asked him to leave. He will never forgive me for it either. He got mean and I was just supposed to take it.

Be the nice guy. Your children deserve it. It has NOTHING to do with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wish my ex could leave the tension behind. It's toxic for the kids and he cannot let go of his petty anger.

I never cheated on him. I was a good wife. He dropped the ball well before I asked him to leave. He will never forgive me for it either. He got mean and I was just supposed to take it.

Be the nice guy. Your children deserve it. It has NOTHING to do with your ex.

I am always nice to my DS' mother in front of him. He has never seen me argue or be disrespectful toward her. Like I said before, we put our personal feelings aside when it comes to DS. I will never talk bad about his mother in front of him. I will never discuss the real reasons behind our split until he is an adult and only if he asks me. I'll teach him to respect his mother.

[Anonymous]

It seems clear to me that you're unhappy with how things are with her, with being more friendly and maybe more like the "good old times." You have every right to feel resentful and hurt. And you have every right to feel better about your current relationship than you do now. Clearly it troubles you, so I would take a step to change it. Limit your communication or try to be cordial and to the point without delving into friendly, funny chatter. It may not feel comfortable to do it at first, but if you don't want to be her chum, now or ever, then stop playing the part and you'll probably feel better in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Be nice, because it's the right thing to do, but you don't need to trust her again. You will be interacting with her for the rest of your life. There's no benefit to punishing her for her misdeeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wish my ex could leave the tension behind. It's toxic for the kids and he cannot let go of his petty anger.

I never cheated on him. I was a good wife. He dropped the ball well before I asked him to leave. He will never forgive me for it either. He got mean and I was just supposed to take it.

Be the nice guy. Your children deserve it. It has NOTHING to do with your ex.

I am always nice to my DS' mother in front of him. He has never seen me argue or be disrespectful toward her. Like I said before, we put our personal feelings aside when it comes to DS. I will never talk bad about his mother in front of him. I will never discuss the real reasons behind our split until he is an adult and only if he asks me. I'll teach him to respect his mother.

This is the PP. It's wonderful to hear this. It makes all the difference in the world. You'll never regret taking the high road. I haven't, despite the continued aggression from my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be nice, because it's the right thing to do, but you don't need to trust her again. You will be interacting with her for the rest of your life. There's no benefit to punishing her for her misdeeds.

Being nice isn't the problem. I am always nice.

But my dilemma is more about what the relationship should be after the split given what she did and how she handled it (or didn't handle it).

[Anonymous]

I could forever be upset at my ex for breaking up with me when I was pregnant and for initially being an ass about me deciding to keep the baby. He was a real dick for awhile there. I could forever be upset with him for seeing her only two days a week now, while I have her 5 days. I'd rather he have closer to the 50/50 split most of my friends have with their exes. I resent him sometimes for all the free time he has, all the administrative crap he doesn't have to do.

But it's easier on everyone just to be friends. You'll be coparenting forever - why make it tougher than it has to be? Reframe it as you being the bigger person, not as her getting to have it all. Kids can always sense tension - avoid it if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wish my ex could leave the tension behind. It's toxic for the kids and he cannot let go of his petty anger.

I never cheated on him. I was a good wife. He dropped the ball well before I asked him to leave. He will never forgive me for it either. He got mean and I was just supposed to take it.

Be the nice guy. Your children deserve it. It has NOTHING to do with your ex.

I am always nice to my DS' mother in front of him. He has never seen me argue or be disrespectful toward her. Like I said before, we put our personal feelings aside when it comes to DS. I will never talk bad about his mother in front of him. I will never discuss the real reasons behind our split until he is an adult and only if he asks me. I'll teach him to respect his mother.

This is the PP. It's wonderful to hear this. It makes all the difference in the world. You'll never regret taking the high road. I haven't, despite the continued aggression from my ex.

I grew up in a divorced home and my father was this way toward my mother. He never talked bad about her. He never argued with her in front of us. He always stood by any decision's she made regarding how she would treat us. He told me when i'm old enough we can discuss the split. It wasn't until I was close to 25 that I finally sat down with him and had him explain what happened. I think he still sugar coated it a little, but it didn't really matter at that point. My mother was a good mother to me, we had a great relationship, and hearing about their split didn't change my feelings toward her.

[Anonymous]

All you have to do with her is coparent. What is happening behind that? Just be civil when talking about your son.