Relationship with EX after split

[Anonymous]

OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

You did deserve a lot more. First, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. Second, you deserved to have your feelings of hurt acknowledged. My ex did the same thing. I don't know what hurts more to this day. The fact that he did it or that he never apologized. So it's a double betrayal. We all mess up and make mistakes, but the behavior after is just as important in my opinion. If she asked for forgiveness and was remorseful, I'm sure it would hurt a lot less.

In other words, you are not wrong to need her apology. You may never get it, and you'll have to be prepared for that. That's why I said to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

You did deserve a lot more. First, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. Second, you deserved to have your feelings of hurt acknowledged. My ex did the same thing. I don't know what hurts more to this day. The fact that he did it or that he never apologized.[u] So it's a double betrayal. We all mess up and make mistakes, but the behavior after is just as important in my opinion. If she asked for forgiveness and was remorseful, I'm sure it would hurt a lot less.

In other words, you are not wrong to need her apology. You may never get it, and you'll have to be prepared for that. That's why I said to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers.

The bolded part is so true. The way she handled it really hit me hard. I figured out of any couple, if we had issues....we would be able to work through it. She betrayed the relationship and then just gave up. The cheating part doesn't hurt as bad as how it was handled......that crushed me.

And I understand why I have to forgive. For my mind and for me to move on in life.

And I'm prepared for her never to acknowledge her wrong doing, apologize, or ask for forgiveness. That is the kind of person she is. Her loss....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

You did deserve a lot more. First, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. Second, you deserved to have your feelings of hurt acknowledged. My ex did the same thing. I don't know what hurts more to this day. The fact that he did it or that he never apologized.[u] So it's a double betrayal. We all mess up and make mistakes, but the behavior after is just as important in my opinion. If she asked for forgiveness and was remorseful, I'm sure it would hurt a lot less.

In other words, you are not wrong to need her apology. You may never get it, and you'll have to be prepared for that. That's why I said to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers.

The bolded part is so true. The way she handled it really hit me hard. I figured out of any couple, if we had issues....we would be able to work through it. She betrayed the relationship and then just gave up. The cheating part doesn't hurt as bad as how it was handled......that crushed me.

And I understand why I have to forgive. For my mind and for me to move on in life.

And I'm prepared for her never to acknowledge her wrong doing, apologize, or ask for forgiveness. That is the kind of person she is. Her loss....

It truly is her loss. You sound like a very nice person and very grounded. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really will get better with time. Figure out who you are without her. I mean, for so long you guys were a unit and part of your identity was wrapped in that. You have to figure out who you are now, 10 years later. I would hold off on dating. You will enjoy it a lot more when you are truly back on your [emotional] feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It truly is her loss. You sound like a very nice person and very grounded. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really will get better with time. Figure out who you are without her. I mean, for so long you guys were a unit and part of your identity was wrapped in that. You have to figure out who you are now, 10 years later. I would hold off on dating. You will enjoy it a lot more when you are truly back on your [emotional] feet.

The dating thing I did start doing. And it seemed to help a lot to get my mind off of the split. I started looking at the split a lot differently and how I was acting.

But on the flipside, I realized I'm not ready to be in any type of relationship right now. I am enjoying my single life. I am doing things I like doing because I've gained a lot of free time I didn't have before. But I also enjoy talking with some of these women. But after a date or two, I feel like I'm just not ready to take it further anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

You did deserve a lot more. First, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. Second, you deserved to have your feelings of hurt acknowledged. My ex did the same thing. I don't know what hurts more to this day. The fact that he did it or that he never apologized.[u] So it's a double betrayal. We all mess up and make mistakes, but the behavior after is just as important in my opinion. If she asked for forgiveness and was remorseful, I'm sure it would hurt a lot less.

In other words, you are not wrong to need her apology. You may never get it, and you'll have to be prepared for that. That's why I said to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers.

The bolded part is so true. The way she handled it really hit me hard. I figured out of any couple, if we had issues....we would be able to work through it. She betrayed the relationship and then just gave up. The cheating part doesn't hurt as bad as how it was handled......that crushed me.

And I understand why I have to forgive. For my mind and for me to move on in life.

And I'm prepared for her never to acknowledge her wrong doing, apologize, or ask for forgiveness. That is the kind of person she is. Her loss....

NP here.

You were wronged by the infidelity, then again by the lack of apology or remorse or understanding of how deeply you were betrayed. You cannot make your ex ever see those things or feel those things. She may, in time, really recognize them and apologize for them, but she also may not. The only thing you can control is how YOU feel and respond in your present situation. You are doing a phenomenal job of handling that with respect to your child. Now you need to focus on it for yourself. Stop thinking about what your ex deserves or doesn't. Respond to your ex in the way that's healthiest and best for YOU. Maybe right now that means less "friendship" and more just politeness. Maybe later, when you are feeling differently and more time has passed, it will be more friendship again, and maybe it will always just be polite + good co-parenting. It's all fine as long as you focus on what's best for your own health and emotional wellness.

I'll note here that this is all easier to say than to do. I'm struggling with a lot of spousal betrayal myself at the moment, and you're much further along than I am. But the above are the things I am trying to work toward to heal myself. Anyway, I get it, and I'm so sorry about the betrayal and your ex's lack of remorse. It's incredibly painful. You're doing a great job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'll note here that this is all easier to say than to do. I'm struggling with a lot of spousal betrayal myself at the moment, and you're much further along than I am. But the above are the things I am trying to work toward to heal myself. Anyway, I get it, and I'm so sorry about the betrayal and your ex's lack of remorse. It's incredibly painful. You're doing a great job.

Thanks.

And I remember when people gave this advice when I first went through all of this. It was hard. I couldn't see it ever really getting any better or actually working. But it did...and it is still ongoing. I've gone through the cycle a few times of feeling great, then right back to the bottom letting it engulf my life/feelings. But each time the feeling great lasted longer and the recovery from the other end of the cycle was faster.

I feel like I'm in the long stretch now. Now it is just little details like this that will bug me. But I'll sleep tonight just fine. I'll wake up tomorrow not thinking about what happened.

One thing that helped a lot was gaining new friends, staying busy, and not being afraid to go on a date or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Split up with my ex over 6 months ago. She is also the mother of my 9 year old son. We were together for 10 years. I left because she started seeing another man and was not willing to work on our relationship. Things weren't perfect between us, but we had a very easy relationship. We were best friends, didn't argue much, and got along great.

Leading up to the final split and for months after we weren't very friendly unless it had to do with DS. Over the past month or so we've seen eachother more often and have had more 'friendly' conversations that aren't related to DS.

Deep down I feel like she doesn't deserve me as a friend given her lying and cheating before we split. I feel like she is getting exactly what she wants.....her new, single free life plus the benefit of my friendship that she had before.

Any of you ever face this? Am I just getting past it all and moving on or am I letting her take advantage of me being a nice person.

I figured after a while we'd eventually be friends again. But not this soon. When I think of what was done, my anger for her comes back.

take the red pill bro. you got beta-ized.

While I think the alpha/beta labels are a tad silly, there's truth here.
You were good as the provider (and still are), but the other guy was good for the sex. If he's out of the picture, "you'll do." Don't be stupid and fall into that trap.

[Anonymous]

Agree with above. You sound really nice and stable, and I think your ex knows that and may try to use what she can of your kindness and niceness now. I would distance myself and focus on being civil as others have said here. You don't have to be cold, but you also don't have to relive the inside jokes with her every time you see her. Doing so probably feels good for both of you, but it's also not likely helping you move along.

Don't rush being in a relationship or dating. Do what comes naturally and enjoy spending time around new people. While you seem even-keeled and not someone out for an eye for an eye, the best revenge is a life well lived. Go enjoy your life - it sounds like being away from someone as hurtful as your ex may wind up being the best thing that ever happened to you.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound sexually jealous. Did she start seeing someone else because your physical relationship was not good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound sexually jealous. Did she start seeing someone else because your physical relationship was not good?

I don't really think the details of why things went south really matters at this point. She cheated, I left, and here we are.

[Anonymous]

You seem to benefit from the friendship. That may be when you two are at your best together. Why end that just to make a point? If it bothers you in a meaningful way to be her friend, then don't be. But if it is lingering resentment, you are taking something good away from yourself and keep that resentment. She handled your relationship poorly. But that does not mean she must no longer be a person whose opinion you benefit from and whose company you can enjoy. If it becomes that you no longer enjoy her company, than you cut it off.

It is a difficult spot. I don't envy it. I think out ego's are hard to outrun sometimes. It is definitely your ego worrying about if you should be her friend anymore. That is perfectly normal and I do not mean that as a criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound sexually jealous. Did she start seeing someone else because your physical relationship was not good?

I don't really think the details of why things went south really matters at this point. She cheated, I left, and here we are.

I agree. Who cares if he was sexually jealous??? What the hell kind of a questions is that. You either have integrity (which she did not) or you don't. It's not dependent on other person's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

OP, problem is she wore the pants in the relationship. Women HATE and Disrespect. men who are too nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.

I think what makes it so hard is how non-remorseful she was and is. When we were close to the split I was very angry with her. She just said: "Get over it....". She never came to me and said she was sorry for what she did or how she handled things. Just that she doesn't want to fix things because she doesn't have it in her heart.

I felt I deserved a lot more than just that.

OP, problem is she wore the pants in the relationship. Women HATE and Disrespect. men who are too nice.

OP please don't listen to this idiot.