Dating Newly Sober Alcoholic(?)
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend has decided to quit drinking. I don't know if you get an official diagnosis as an alcoholic, but at the very least he has a drinking problem (controlling how much he drinks, behavior when drunk, etc.)
I am a casual/social drinker of beer only. (I don't drink liquor and rarely drink wine) To support his decision, I agreed that we won't keep any sort of alcohol in the house. I generally have a beer or 2 a couple nights a week at home, so that's going to be a change for me, which is fine. We also won't go out to the bar or drink when we go out on 'dates'. I usually have a few beers when we're out to dinner or something, and we would meet other couples on nights out. So, again, another change I am more than willing to make to accommodate him. The problem is, he doesn't want me to ever drink again. Even when I'm not with him. So, if I go out with my girlfriends, I can't have a beer with dinner with them. If we go to a special event, like a wedding, vacation, party, (something that doesn't happen on a frequent basis), I cannot drink there either. I asked if this is something while he's getting adjusted to not drinking. He says no, as long as he doesn't drink, I shouldn't either. I feel like this is abnormal and is less about supporting him and feels more like him being controlling. But, I have never been around a recovering/sober alcoholic, don't attend meetings and I don't know if you are expected to never drink if you are in a relationship with them. Does anyone know if my boyfriends requests are normal, or are they unreasonable. |
Anonymous
| His request is not normal. He should be going to meetings or otherwise getting support so he can learn how to navigate social situations without requiring everyone around him to abstain. |
Anonymous
You're not wrong. I've been in AA for 21 years. The newly sober person should worry about his own drinking and shut up about everyone else's drinking. He is reasonable to request no alcohol in the house and no drinking around him, because it makes it difficult for him to refrain from drinking if it's around him. It is not reasonable for him to tell you to NEVER drink again. It's not his decision to make. It's yours. There is a great book called The Recover Book which may help you with this situation. Good luck. That said, if he's that adamant about it, you may not have a relationship if you decide to drink. |
Anonymous
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I know a couple that have joined each other on all sorts of dietary adventures. They were vegan for two months, for example. Granted, they're married. How serious is your relationship? I was a casual smoker and stopped entirely when I was in a relationship I thought would go the distance. It didn't but 1) it was a smart health decision anyway, and 2) I never felt controlled. I valued his kisses (and his enjoyment of my kisses) over the feel of taking in a cigarette. I'm interested to see what others think. |
Anonymous
| He is being unreasonable. He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He needs to take control of that relationship while accepting that others in his life so not have the same issues. I wouldn't go out of my way to drink around him, but a night out with your friends is well within reason. |
Anonymous
This is not the same. The OP is not a willing participant going on a "dietary adventure," and her having an occasional drink with friends is not a health issue. I suspect the OP has encouraged the boyfriend to quit drinking based on his behavior and he is trying to spread the pain around out of spite. |
Anonymous
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Unreasonable. OP, is he attending AA meetings or just decided to quit on his own? There's a strong emphasis in AA on personal responsibility for one's own behavior rather than trying to control other people's drinking. I've never heard of anyone in AA dictating to their non-alcoholic significant other whether they can ever have a drink again. (And I'm assuming from your description of your drinking that you are not an alcoholic -- that he is making this demand out of concern for himself and not you.)
I suggest that you attend some Al-Anon meetings where you can get feedback and support from other friends and family of alcoholics. They say you should try six meetings before you decide whether it is for you. Also, try different meetings in order to find the right group for you. Based on your description of your bf, I question whether he is going to be able to stay sober without regular attendance at AA. Or he may stay sober but be what we call a "dry drunk" -- someone who doesn't drink but still behaves like an alcoholic. It can be a long process working toward a healthy sober life. I hope you will both get the support you need. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Unreasonable. Controlling. He is the one with the problem, not you. The fact that he feels you have to suffer because he does speaks volumes about his attitude and maturity.
Ask him if he should curl up with some motrin and hot tea when you have cramps, cause why should you have to suffer alone? |
Anonymous
| Agree with others. Unreasonable. |
Anonymous
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OP here - He is planning on moving in with me in January when his lease is up (he is already over there about half the week anyway.) Which is why not having it in the house was discussed. We have been talking about marriage and I assume, based on our discussions, he will be proposing early next year.
So, I'm thinking I should suggest he attend AA meetings and speak with people there about his request that I need to become a sober person too? We are going to a friends destination wedding next year. My parents have a house at the beach we go to several times over the summer. I like being able to have a beer when I'm on vacation or at a celebration. I really don't have much of a problem with not drinking on our local/regular outings like I usually do. But I don't think that's something I want to completely omit, especially on special occasions. And I feel like breaking up over me having 2 or 3 beers at a wedding is ridiculous, and makes me seem like I'm the one with the problem for not giving it up for the sake of a relationship. Not saying I anticipate this being a cause to break up, but I'm unsure how attached to this idea he is, because I haven't really pressed the issue since I don't know how this whole thing works. I'm hoping he was just being over-zealous in his initial pursuit into being a sober person. |
Anonymous
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My husband was an alcoholic before I met him and hasn't had alcohol in at least 8 years. The only time he was ever upset about me drinking was we went to a big new year's party when we hadn't been dating for long, I got rather smashed and kissed him.
It's reasonable for you to not drink around him and not make it a big part of your social life, but unreasonable for him to expect you to never drink again yourself. Perhaps not drinking for 6 months in solidarity would be nice, but never again isn't a decision he should make for you. |
Anonymous
You are being totally reasonable OP (and frankly, even if it was more than beer or you wanted to drink during local outings too, you would still be reasonable). If you break up it won't be over a couple of beers, it'll be over him being too rigid and controlling. |
Anonymous
Why was your husband upset? Because the kiss came after being smashed? Because you were smashed at all? |
Anonymous
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Sorry, but you most likely ARE going to break up over this. Recovery is HARD, and darn near impossible if he's not going get support and guidance.
Absolutely do not let him move in with you or get engaged until he has been sober at least a year. I echo the recommendation to go to Al Anon and listen to others who've BTDT. |
Anonymous
| You should not give up alcohol because he tells you to. You want to enter a marriage as partners, not one person controlling each other. On the other hand, alcohol is a drug. Even if you are not addicted, every time your are choosing to drink you are really just consuming a liquid drug. Why drink at all? |